Note to Self: Don't Shave Your Face If You're a Beard Guy

As I looked out my window and watched the cold, wet Chicago rain fall from the sky, I heard a voice in the back of my head telling me to "do it." Do what? Should I chop down the morning wood? I asked myself. The voice responded, "No, you sick fuck, it's Tuesday." Puzzled and desperate to find answers, I started watching YouTube. What started as "how do you tell your inner voice to be quiet" quickly turned into the David Goggins and Tom Brady show. Little did I know that listening to these two speak would give me a bigger rush than any bump I've taken in my life. As I sat there and studied these two men, I realized something. What do these two gentlemen have in common? Is it that they prioritize their health over everything? No, that's not it. Is it that they're both extremely disciplined to their craft? No, that's not it. Is it that they both used to be a bit overweight? No, that's not it.

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I've got it... Neither of them has a beard! Filled with excitement, I asked the voice in my head if this is what it wanted me to do, and the voice replied, "Yes, you stupid fuck, did you not see how long and terrorist-looking your beard was yesterday." As soon as the razor touched my face, I knew I made a mistake. I quickly realized that my face wasn't as slim as I thought it was. What once used to be a chiseled jawline has turned into something resembling the ball sack that hangs from a turkey's neck. When I walked into Big Cat's office, I knew I fucked up. He took one glance at me and said, "You look disgusting, I can't even look at you. What do you want? Make it quick, and don't come back until your beard does." It's safe to say that was not the moment to bring up a contract extension, so I left.

After being bantered by my coworkers (in a locker room way, I'm no bitch), I did what every man does when they want to be lied to: call their mom. I FaceTimed my mom and showed her the baby face that she always admired. I thought I was going to be showered with compliments, but yet again, I was wrong. "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SON??" My old-ass mother yelled into the phone. Instead of replying with a slick comment, I hung up on her before I said something I'd regret.

Moral of the Story: Your inner voice is the devil, and don't shave your beard if you have a chubby face.