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Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Water; California Runs Out Of Money For Its Shark Detection System

Norbert Probst. Shutterstock Images.

Fox5SanDiego: A high-tech system that alerts swimmers when sharks are lurking in Southern California’s coastal waters could be shuttered as funds have begun to run dry, managers warn. The system works using a system of buoys, tags and monitors that track the local population of white sharks, sending an alert to local lifeguards when the sharks come within 300 yards of the buoys. The lab received $3.75 million that was supposed to fund the system for five years, though they managed to stretch the money to six years.

If you find yourself in Southern California this summer, it's still going to be fine to go in the water, despite funds for Shark Lab's shark detection system running dry. While Shark Lab sounds like one of the coolest places on the planet to work based on the fact they combined two things that are inherently awesome -  shark (apex predator) + lab (mad scientists experimenting) why is Shark Lab pissing away millions of dollars on a shark alert system? 

If the researchers at the Shark Lab truly knew anything about sharks, they'd know there are fewer than 100 unprovoked shark bites GLOBALLY each year. There are more bites per year in Dave's pizza reviews than shark bites world wide. With those statistics, you have a higher chance of winning the lottery than getting bit by a shark, which at this point might be the only way shark lab can keep their expensive shark shark fence going. 

We are so lucky that sharks aren't blood thirsty monsters like people make them out to be, because if you've ever seen the speed a shark in water, you'd never go back into the ocean. We'd need the shark alert system up and down the coastline of every coastal state. You'd even be hesitant to get into the neighborhood swimming pool without first checking the deep end. The video below shows a tiger shark getting up to top speeds while hunting a sea turtle, and its unreal. A human wouldn't stand a chance. 

There was that one shark week where Discovery Channel claimed Michael Phelps beat a shark in a race, but the event was completely fraudulent. They hyped the event up all summer like Phelps was going to be racing an actual shark in the water, but the whole thing just ended up based on estimated top speeds with a CGI shark. It was bullshit. Chad Ochocinco raced a real horse. I need Phelps in the water with a real shark. At the moment, our best defense against sharks at the beach right now is some sunscreen slathered teenager who decided he would guard lives as a summer job simply shouting when they spot a dorsal fin, which isn't great, but at least its cost effective. California could be putting this money towards something more important, like making sure they don't run out of drinking water. The Shark Lab is perpetuating anti-shark propaganda with needless anti-shark technology, and I won't tolerate the shark slander.