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Dear John (Vol. 5): How Do I Not End Up Like You?

Welcome to another episode of Dear John. I've been getting a few real good questions sent in lately. But in all honesty, most of them have been bad. There's far more bad questions than good. A lot of people are asking if I'm gay. Let me just clear that up right now... Yes I am gay, and my dick is small. Moving forward, let's keep it professional and stick to serious inquiries only. 

Dear John, 

Love the blogs. Asking on behalf of a friend of mine. He is dating my girlfriends sister. Every year we go on a trip with our girlfriends family. The men in the family golf everyday (it’s sick) and the women stay back, hang by the pool shop etc do whatever someone who doesn’t golf would do (couldn’t be me). Anyway, my friend is getting ready to propose to his gf. He would like to ask the parent’s permission on this trip. He is stressing about how to do it. My girlfriend says he has to ask both parents are the same time, which is tricky cause it’s a big family trip like 30 people total. He was thinking he’d just ask the dad on the golf course and ask the mom some other time on the trip. So my question is: do you think it’s a big deal to ask separately? Or do they have to be together? If you think separate is fine, he should definitely ask the mom first, correct? Thanks man, let me know! 

First off, it's kinda dope that you and your friends are dating sisters. That's a very high-risk, yet pretty awesome situation to be in, assuming everything works out and nobody ends up killing each other. That way you get your friend with you at all the terrible family events you'd rather not attend. That's a pretty good deal.

Side Note: About your golf sentences. I played golf as a kid. Not to brag, but I actually got pretty good. Nothing crazy, but I had the ability to break 80 every now and then. And because it was known amongst my friend group that I was a decent golfer, I was always just expected to play with them. "Oh well we need a 4th, I'm sure John will play. Then we'll pair him with our friend who can barely swing a golf club and bet money on the match. It'll basically just be John vs two decent golfers. So as long as John doesn't play lights out, we'll take his money easily."

Like I even had the $60 to pay for a round every weekend in the first place. I fucking hated that.

My point is, don't feel bad about not golfing. If I'm reading between the lines correctly, I feel like you're embarrassed to be a non-golfer in a family of golfers. But don't worry about that. Do you know what's way more manly than golfing? Staying back at the AirBnb and convincing your friend's girlfriend (i.e. your girlfriends sister) to have a hot threesome. Not only will you get off dick-wise, but moving forward, anytime you're feeling inadequate about not being a golfer, you'll know in the back of your mind that you've fucked 2 members of their family. Who's the alpha male now?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That wasn't your question at all. That's just a bonus suggestion. Your actual question is , "Does my friend need to ask both of her parents for her hand in marriage at the same time?"

First off, I think keeping with Christian marriage tradition, asking the dad is most important. Obviously, it depends on the family, but in a traditional marriage situation, it's the Dad who "gives his daughters hand away." Because the daughter is Dad's property. I think. She originated in his balls and everything.. It's not a prima nocte situation or anything like that. I'm not saying he has to let the dad fuck her or anything. But I kinda feel like a traditional family would respect the fact that you asked the dad first.

On the other hand... it is 2024... asking only the Dad could get your friend cancelled. I doubt that will happen thought. Unless the mom has a decent Twitter following a propensity for shaming men on the internet, I really doubt they're going to care how he does it.

But assuming the mom isn't one to publicly cancel you, I think I have a solution. While your friend is golfing with the dad, just have him pull the dad to the side and say something like, "Hey Dad, I have a question for you. But I'd like to ask it to you and your wife at the same time. Is there a time us three could be alone for a few minutes.

Problem solved. The dad will know exactly what you're talking about. He'll appreciate that he came to him first. The mom will appreciate that he didn't "officially" ask the question until she was there. That seems like an easy solution. Once you pose the questions to the dad, and they realize what's happening, I promise they'll both find a way to meet your friend in the backyard for a few minutes at some point during the vacation. 

But keep in mind, as much as "asking their hand in marriage" is a nice thing to do. IF the parents say no... then you have to tell them to fuck off. That's when you just marry her even harder. That's how you keep a spark going in a relationship. If her parents don't approve, that's going to make for a super hot marriage. They're going to have great sex for the rest of their lives.

Dear John,

Do you have any professional or personal advice for a young college graduate so that I don’t turn out like you?

Alright, dick. I guess that's a fair question. I hate myself too. But to be honest, most people don't end up like me, so it's kind of insane that you would need advice on how to not end up like that. Literally all you have to do is take your post-college job seriously. Make your job your life for the next 5-10 years. Get yourself promoted, advance within your company, etc.. Build up a nice savings account. Make sure you don't spend all of your extra money on drugs. Then when the time comes, accept a new job with a company that will pay you twice as much money to do half the work. Once you're in that second job, that's when you meet the girl of your dreams. Once you're set for life financially the dating pool is going to open up like you've never thought possible. Buy yourself a home. Impregnate your wife with your seed. Raise a family. Live a happy life. Honestly it's not that fucking hard. You just have to have a little discipline. That's been the playbook for years. I never figured that out myself, but that doesn't mean I can't see how easy it is for those who try.

Anyways, just make sure you don't get super addicted to drugs and start spending your time writing half-drunk blogs on a Wordpress site (www.johnrichtv.com) that nobody reads. Do more than the bare minimum at your bullshit sales job and you'll be ok. Just DON'T spend all your time watching The Yak, then have to rely on pulling a "Yak Jeopardy" idea out of your ass. Then you have to beg TJ to play it on air and shit…

I mean… it worked great for me. But you should easily be able to avoid that if you put your mind to it. I believe in you brother. As long as you don't do exactly what I did…. As long as you don't put yourself in a position where all your chips are pushed to the middle of the Barstool table… I promise you won't end up like me.