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Dear John (Vol. 4) - I Want to Start Doing Drugs

Welcome back to another episode of Dear John, where I field questions from the good readers of Barstool Sports and provide them with the best advice I have in my heavily damaged brain. The questions are starting to roll in little more slowly, so if you like reading these, please feel free to fire off a question on the Google form above. I honestly, love doing these, and I think they've been going over fairly well, so any questions you send in are truly appreciated.

Dear John, 

Got a bit of a doozy for you. So I live in a very typical suburban neighborhood in rural America. I have two young kids and a lovely wife. When we moved here in 2020, we made friends with a few families in pretty short order, one of them who lives right next door and has two similar aged kids and had a nice friend group going for a little while. Over the next year or so, we decided to take a step back and remove ourselves a bit from the group due to some pretty ridiculous drama that can best be summed up as middle-school bullshit. We also had some idea that there might be some extramarital affair going on between two members of the group. Fast forward to last year, I attend a concert (shoutout Bring Me The Horizon) with one of the guys from that original friend group and he confirms with me that the extramarital affair was true. The affair was between the dude who lives next to us (we'll call him John, not his actual name) and a girl who lives right next to him (so two houses down from us; we'll call her Jane, also not her actual name). Jane finds out that we know and asks my wife to meet and talk about it. My wife is less than enthused but agrees to a phone call where we find out it was going on for a year, Jane's husband knows, and yet, John's wife (we'll call her Lucy) does not. This obviously puts us in a tough spot because we still have a decent relationship with the John and his wife due to our kids, but have to keep this secret from Lucy. What are your thoughts on how to handle this situation? My wife struggles pretty immensely with having to be a part of this and would ideally love if Lucy found out organically, but if it was determined that we told her or were part of her finding out we fear there would be some ridiculous drama we don't want to get involved with. 

Idk why you had to choose "John" as a pseudonym. Feels like you could have picked literally any other name than the name of the person you're asking a question to. But that's fine. I'll power through it. 

Let me quick make a neighborhood diagram out of this situation so I can visualize exactly what I'm working with here.

(I gave you a nicer house, you're welcome)

Now that I've laid this out in a way that's digestible, I can clearly see that's there's only one solution to this problem. You need to convince Jane's husband to seduce Lucy. 

The very last thing you want to do is insert yourselves into this situation as the people who break the news to Lucy. If you break the news to Lucy, there's no telling how she's going to react. Then you're smack dab in the middle of everything. You're going to end up playing mediator. You'll be Lucy's shoulder to cry on. Lucy is going to end up crashing on your couch for months. She'll overstay her welcome. You'll grow to resent her. You'll eventually have to pay for a hotel just to get her out of your hair. That's a nightmare scenario. 

But if you can mange to get Jane's husband inside of Lucy, even just once, then everybody will be on a level playing field. Everyone will have a secret. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much one party expects foul play from another party, nobody is going to say shit. Everyone will just keep their head down, go about their business, ignore the situation entirely, and you'll all continue living happy-ish lives. That's how healthy adults handle situations. It's sort of like they said in Oppenheimer when Oppenheimer was justifying making the bomb. When everybody has their own nuclear weapons, it will actually bring world peace. Nobody is going to fire their nukes, because if one person fires their nukes, then the other side will fire their nukes, then the whole neighborhood explodes into 1 million pieces. You must get Jane's husband has to fuck Lucy. Slip some aphrodisiacs in their wine one night if you have to. Then nobody has to feel bad about anything, because they'll all be equally shitty people. It's the only way to handle this.

Dear John,

How much more desirable is a man if he's funny? A lot of women seem to say they find humor attractive. But how much can it overcome some less than desirable red flags? I'm a 33 yo guy who has turned away every solid opportunity HANDED to me. I've decided to take the hard path. I've also been financially dependent on my mother (and lived with her up until recently) for much of my life. I'm also a guy who has small sized wiener with the inability to ejaculate (sperm is frozen due to testicular cancer). Being broke is humbling but its also been somewhat of a choice. So has living with mom. Its taught me many lessons in life. Its served as a trusty compass to help find my footing in this world. Some of the experiences I've encountered so far have only reiterated that Valuing my time and focusing on being happy is far more important and imperative than making sure my lifestyle fits into many of the societal norms. When Simply looking at the gaps of unemployment on my resume its easy for people to assume im a lazy guy without any drive and lack of motivation and discipline. Especially when you add the financial aid of mother for all these years. The bottom line is, I have very lofty goals for myself and I'm highly motivated especially to prove people wrong. People don't know about the fire in my belly. I have always had tremendous belief In my abilities but some of my actions don't show that, so I can't fault the ladies for perceiving me a certain way.

First things first, I'm sorry about your balls and penis. But look on the bright side, if any girl ever calls you out for having a wee dick (which no girl will ever do, in my experience girls are very nice about small dicks), you can just blame it on the cancer. She won't be able to say shit then. 

But depending on the girl, you might need to pull up a medical journal or two to convince the girl that having sex with you isn't contagious, and that there's no way you'll give her vagina cancer. Which honestly might be kind of tough. I know cancer isn't contagious, but if I were about to sleep with a girl and she was like, "Hey just so you know, this shit down here motions to vagina it riddled with cancer", even though I know it can't be passed on…  I'd be like, man…. do I really wanna go balls deep in cancer? Is that a smart thing to do? I know it's not AIDS but like… …. shit…. it's kind of like AIDS. They're both not good…. 

Ok sorry I went off on a bit of tangent there. Back to your original question. "How much more desirable is a man if he's funny?" (which was barely even your question. You kinda just asked "how much does being funny matter" then proceeded to vent to me about how down bad you are. But that's fine. That's what Dear John is for. I got you brother)

"How much more desirable is a man if he's funny?"… well it depends. It depends on how funny you are, and it depends on how much you have working against you. In your case, you're a broke 33 year old man with testicular cancer who lives with his mom. So if you're roughly as funny as Katt Williams in his prime you should be ok. 

Although I will say, if you can find a woman who isn't afraid of catching cancer from your dick, cancer could possibly work in your advantage. I'd lean less on "being funny" and more on "having cancer". Sympathy sex counts the same as regular sex. A hot woman having sex with you, or maybe even dating you, could make them feel better about themselves as person. Consider a hot woman in her early 30's who spent her whole life sleeping around with ass holes. She probably feels bad about her choices. Getting with cancer guy would be a good deed. That would cancel out all the douche bags she dated in her past.

"Oh my god Sammi, that's so nice of you to fall in love with cancer guy. You're literally a hero" - that's what her friends will say

If you both play your cards right, you could even go viral with your story. You're in a position where a girl can parlay dating you into a few hundred thousand TikTok followers. That's nothing to sneeze at. I'm not saying you don't need to be funny. Be as funny as you can. But god dealt you shitty hand when he gave you cancer. Use the cancer to your advantage any way you can. Sympathy is a powerful thing.

Dear John,

I want to get into the drugs, but I’m not sure how to start. Any advice? 

When you're looking to get into drugs, it can be very temping to dive into the deep end. But you have to practice self-control. If you're truly serious about developing a drug habit, you have to start small. You also have to understand that it will eventually all come crashing down on you. That's how drugs work. But if you're smart, you can stretch out the process for 5, maybe even 10 years. 

Obviously you start with marijuana. If you're not an experienced smoker, good weed is going to hit you like a hard drug. I'd spend at least a full year doing nothing but smoking weed. Stretch that new-stoner feeling out for as long as you can.

Once you build up a tolerance and weed no longer has the effect it once was, then I'd dip my toes into cocaine. But you HAVE to make sure that you're NEVER the first person to do a line out of a new bag. Fentanyl is real. It can kill you in an instant. Always have a friend or a loved one test your cocaine first so that you're not the one who dies.

You'll get bored of cocaine pretty quick though. With the exception of weed, all drugs pretty much start being fun after a month or so. The return on investment dwindles drastically after you've been doing it for a few months. You gotta get off the uppers. If I were you, I'd get into psychedelics next. I prefer acid to mushrooms, but you should definitely experiment with both. But eventually those are going to rot your brain. You can't overdo psychedelics.

Once you start to feel a little brain fried, THAT'S when you turn to Opiates. It's going to be temping to start taking Percocets or Vicodins early on in your drug career, but I promise it's better if you wait. There's a natural ramp up to Opiate use that you can stretch out for multiple years. Start with OTC pills like Percs and Vics. I'm out of the game now, so I'm not sure what comes after those. Maybe the blue roxys? Do Oxys or Opanas still exist? Dilauded? Morphine? Whatever you can get your hands on will work fine. Either way, do the harder OTC pills until you're no longer achieving the high you once were. That's when you switch to herion. 

Don't be dumb though. Whatever you do, DO NOT shoot up the heroin. You can't come back from that. Trust me, I've seen it plenty. But even if you're not shooting it up, Fentanyl is still a problem. However, at this point in your life, you'll be so addicted to drugs that you're not going to bother having a friend test your heroin (also you probably won't have friends willing to do heroin). So you'll just have to roll the dice there. Just be sure you knock on wood. And just like any other drug, you'll eventually work up a heroin tolerance. Eventually, heroin will no longer get you high. It'll just make you not want to kill yourself for the next 6-8 hours. Which might be an even better feeling. To go from horrible withdrawal, where you can't sit still, have terrible back pain, and feel like you want to jump out of your skin, literally the worst feeling you've ever felt, to only feeling not THAT bad. Xanax will be wrapped up into that too. Although you really shouldn't combine the two, That's a great way to die. You'll only use Xanax to bridge the gap between heroin fixes. It's not going to get rid of your withdrawals, but it'll help you make it an extra few hours until you cave and go to Wal-Mart to get $120 in cash back off your Discover card.

Next comes rehab. It's miserable.  At rehab you'll get really into Suboxone.. Suboxone is the drug that is supposed helps you get clean off opiates. If you're smart, you'll check yourself into a real rehab where they're gonna hold you accountable, not let you leave, and make you work a strict program. If you don't have good insurance this will cost you tens of thousands of dollars. During this time you'll be attending NA meetings, doing community service, and learning how to cope with your drug addiction. You'll have to make a series of painfully uncomfortable apologies to those that you've wronged over the course of your addiction. Some will forgive you, some won't. You're certainly going to lose a lot of friends. But if you do rehab right, by the time you're 40 years old you'll be totally clean. You'll have no money. You'll probably have a ton of debts, and owe SO MUCH money in medical bills. You'll be working a Dairy Queen for minimum wage. You'll likely be living with your parents. But hey… you wanted to get into drugs. If you're serious about "getting into drugs", that's how it's fucking done.

P.S. Also you'll probably go through a weird meth phase at some point. I'm not sure when the best time for that is. It'll kinda just happen one day when you're hanging out with a bunch of shady characters and someone is like "you want some meth"… and your life is so far gone at that point that you just say fuck it and do the meth. It'll feel awesome at first, but after a month of steady meth use you're gonna need a break. You'll probably just go back to opiates

P.P.S. I also forgot about Adderall. That probably overlaps with weed and leads into cocaine.

P.P.P.S. Don't get into fucking drugs dumbass. It's never worth it.