The 3 Barstool Sports Employees I'd Rob A Bank With

Welcome back to another episode of Blog Wheel. It's been a while since I've done one of these. I kinda quit doing them considering they get a shockingly low amount of clicks. But I'm trying to move away from only writing clickbaity blogs. I'm not sure how long this Barstool Sports this is going to last for me, so while I'm here I might as well write shit that I actually enjoy. 

Today's Blog Wheel topic is: If I were robbing a bank in small town Ohio, which 3 Barstool Sports employees would I choose as accomplices

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P.S. I'm just now realizing I didn't necessarily include a step-by-step plan in this blog. I kinda forgot that was part of the topic. But I'm already pushing 2000 words on this bitch, so I'm rolling with what I got. Sorry @Father_Fist.

A lot of people don't realize that the clearance rate on bank robberies is right around 60%. I'm always forget if "60% clearance rate" means that 60% of bank robberies are successful, or that 60% of bank robberies are solved by the police. But 60% is close enough to half that my point stands either way. Nearly half of bank robberies are successful. That's WAY more than people want to think. Turns out it may not be that difficult to rob a bank.

I like to think I have a little bit of experience in the world of bank robbing. I've never done any bank robbing myself, but I have spent time around someone who has. I've mentioned this in a blog before, but if I'm writing a blog about bank robbing, I'd be remiss if I didn't tell this story again.

Back when I lived in Columbus, Ohio, I dated a girl for a year or so. Her family was wild. A lot of colorful characters. She was couple years younger than me, and she had a brother who was my age. The most interesting thing about her entire family is that her brother spent over a year in prison for bank robbery.

By the time we started dating he was already out of prison. Obviously, I'd never been around a fucking bank robber before. I'll never forget the first time I went to hang out with her family, and had learned this information. The family treated it like one big hilarious joke.

I remember they were joking about who the favorite child was, and the mom said something like, "Well we got ____ over here robbing banks for drug money.." Then the whole family engaged in uprorious laughter. "LMAO what an idiot?! Can you believe our son held up a local bank at gunpoint and demanded thousands of dollars so he could get a fix?" HAHAHA what a silly goose. Our family is so fun and quirky."

That was literally the vibe. I was the only person in the room who had any thought of, "Oh wow that's actually pretty fucked up" 

Look, I'm no saint either. I don't mean to come off as judgmental (although that's exactly what I'm doing). It's just the cavalier attitude the parents had about their son robbing a bank was kind of jarring to me. But in their defense, the kid barely got a year in prison. I think he was sentenced to 18 months and got out early for good behavior. So fuck it.. maybe it's not that big of a deal. I don't know how much money he stood to make in the robbery, but if you have a shot at robbing a bank for a shit load of money, and worst case scenario is you get just over a year in the slammer... I mean shit. That's not a terrible proposition. Should we all try to rob a bank at least once in our lives? It almost seems worth it. Especially if nearly half the time you get away with it? Something to consider. (although I'm pretty sure if you look up the stats most bank robberies are for an underwhelming amount of money, but that doesn't fit my narrative for this blog so I'm just gonna pretend it's at least hundreds of thousands of dollars on the line).

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Either way, I'll never actually have the balls, or be down bad enough to do it.  But if I were... and I had to choose 3 of my Barstool Sports co-workers to join me in a small town Ohio bank robbery.. here's who I'm going with.

First choise is Wallo. It's not a secret to anyone that Wallo spent 20 years behind bars. I need a man who's been around the block. Wallo is a felon. A hardened criminal if you will. There's plenty of reasons for me to include a seasoned criminal in my small town Ohio bank robbing outfit. For one, you need a guy who knows what prison is like. Someone who really knows what it's like, therefore will do whatever is necessary to make sure he never goes back. Especially considering all he's got going for him. Million Dollars (USD) Worth of Game is sitting pretty. In this hypothetical scenario where I get to force ANY Barstool co-worker to rob a bank with me... and I picked Wallo... I know he's going to put every fiber of his being into making sure our bank robbery goes down without a hitch. Maybe I can get Wallo to dial back the clock 30 years for me one-time.

Wallo will be driving the getaway car. The getaway driver is arguably the most important person in the whole robbery. I'll still be the front man/head of the operation (i.e. the guy who slaps gun on the counter and hands the teller a note that says, "if you press the alarm I blow this whole bank to pieces"). But as soon as I've filled my sack of money with a comically large "$" on it, I'm going to need a man I can trust to whisk me away to safety. 

I'm having a tougher time with my second choice. You might think I'd go with Gillie, seeing as him and Wallo work so well together (no other reason, don't be racist). But I'm afraid if I put the two of them together I'll no longer be in charge of the situation. It would instantly become their robbery. This is my robbery.

I thought about going with Rear Admiral, considering I think he watches The Town before bed every evening. But in the end we're robbing a small town bank. If we were performing a Fenway Park, or any Boston related heist, then it would be different. 

Chris Klemmer would be the perfect man to break into the safe (turns sideways and slips through the cracks, I could hold him like a toothpick and pick the lock with his body, or whatever "Klemmer is skinny" joke you want to go with).

But in the end, I need somebody smart. I haven't fully decided whether or not I'll have this person crack the bank safe, or simply blow the whole thing up. Regardless of what I decide, I'm going to need someone with the intelligence to learn whatever role is necessary of him. Which is why I have to go with Francis. 

I also feel as if Francis could be manipulated through competition. 

Me: "Well I need someone smart enough to create and detonate a bomb… I don't think Francis would be good at bombs."

Francis: "What do you mean I'm not good at bombs? I was captain of the bomb squad at Harvard."

Something along those lines. But most importantly, as I've come to learn as fact, Francis Ellis comes from a long line of multi-super-billionaires. That's why his hair is always so small. I won't have to worry about him hassling me for his portion of the lick. 

My final selection is a no brainer. I'll be going with Frank The Tank. I hate to do this to my pal Frank, but I'm going to need a sacrificial lamb for this caper. With Wallo driving the getaway car, Francis on bombs, and me as the money man, I'm going to need my fourth person to be someone who'll take the fall. As the old saying goes, "You don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun your slowest friend." Additionally, I need someone I can trust to keep their mouth shut. If there's one thing I know for sure about Frank, it's that he's not a snitch. Once Frank is caught, I'm certain that he'll take my secret to the grave. Frank is built to do hard time. He would thrive in federal prison. I'll be sure to take care of him financially and keep his commissary full. I'm sure he'll enjoy his daily walks around the prison yard and cell block. I'll have hooked up with small black & white TV or mini-radio so he can keep up with sports. His fellow prisoners will be the perfect captive audience for his rants. Plus he's a natural born leader. Give Frank a month in Rikers and he'll be running the joint. He'll have Latin Kings massaging his bunions and bringing him personal sodas in no time. 

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However, if this plan is going to work, I'm going to need to execute this robbery ASAP. Frank is currently on pace to be a svelte 185 pounds of muscle by this time next year. At this rate not sure how much longer outrunning Frank will be a possibility. If I wait too long, Frank will be high stepping past me on his way to the getaway car on his way out the bank.

So that's the squad. Wallo, Francis, Frank The Tank, myself. Frankly (no pun intended) I think we'll get away with it easily. Obviously we'll be wearing President bank robber masks. I'll be Richard Nixon, Frank will be Regan, Francis will be Jimmy Carter, and Wallo will take Obama. All of my bank robbing knowledge comes from the movie Point Break, so being in small town Ohio I'm a little concerned that we don't have a beach within driving distance where we can abandon our car and surf away to safety. But I trust Wallo to get us to safety, and I trust Frank to become king of Rikers Island and continue making better content than everyone else in New York despite being behind bars.