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A Barstool Chicago Tradition Unlike Any Other: The Annual St. Patrick's Day Police Blotter Round Up

When it comes to throwing down for St. Paddy's Day, Chicago isn't just playing in the big leagues; it's in a league of its own. The Windy City turns into the Emerald City overnight, dunking the Chicago River into a vibrant shade of green that's got to be seen to be believed. It's like the whole city grabs a pint of Guinness and decides to throw the wildest, greenest bash in honor of St. Patrick.

From the crack of dawn, the streets buzz with energy. We're talking bagpipers, traditional Irish dancers, and enough green beer to float a parade of leprechauns down State Street. The bars? Packed. The vibes? Electric. And the people? They come from every corner of the country just to get a taste of Chicago's legendary St. Patrick's Day spirit.

But it's not just the river dyeing or the booze that sets Chicago apart. It's the heart—the city's rich Irish heritage pulses through its veins, fueling celebrations that are as authentic as they come. From downtown on Saturday, with the river dyeing and the downtown parade, to shifting gears to Sunday and the Southside Irish Parade, it's an all-weekend bash. 

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I say it every year, and get called a traitor from the people back in Boston, and a moron by the morons in NYC, but nobody is on Chicago's level when it comes to partying for St. Patrick's Day.

PFT agrees.

(DISCLAIMER: Now, having said all of that. This job has gotten much, much tougher since Big Cat began doing these back in the day. Namely because the police blotters, and the accounts that monitor them aren't filled with much drunken horseplay and girls crying on sidewalks, and hammered dudes pissing behind dumpsters- nowadays it's mostly, as Ja Rule once said, "Murdaaaaaa". And lots of bad stuff. But we'll do what we're good at around here and make lemonade out of lemons)

Let's get started, shall we?

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Wow what a hot start to the weekend. 

One of Chicago's most prestigious doctors and pillars of the community is a wanted man for the murder of his wife, and escaping law enforcement. US Deputies began conducting a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the Chicagoland area. 

(Sidebar- right off the top I realize, but point remains, I caught The Fugitive on tv last month and instantly got sucked in. Just a perfect lazy Sunday afternoon movie. Watching it, it's crazy to see how well cast the movie is. It's like the plucked every extra in the movie right off the streets and every supporting character out of Manny's Deli or Lou Mitchell's. 

I tweeted this 

and got half a dozen replies like this

ok end rant. All time movie, all time Chicago St. Patrick's Day scene. Back to the carnage. )

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We've got our first jumper of the day. 

And at only 1 pm. That's impressive. Built up a solid 6-7 hour base of drinking before the decision making lead to thinking, "the water's probably not even that cold, the sun is out. I could swim across and back easy. Fuck it, I'm doing it." Followed by a roar of applause from all his friends, and the strangers standing around. This guy felt invincible for sure.

Not confirmed, but guessing it was Michael Phelps here.

Eddie Money missed the boat.

Literally.

But that didn't stop him. I see you player.

Somebody must have let the word out that the undermanned CPD was directing attention towards the surge downtown because the robbers were out in full force.

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We've got a brawl at The Billy Goat!

Had to be tourists. 

You have to be an absolute fucking numbskull (or from out of town) to pick the Billy Goat to throw down. Any of them. They have some of the rawest, meanest mother fuckers you've ever seen manning the grills and registers there. Those guys are just waiting to hop over the counter and show somebody what time of day it is. Heavy money that the guys who started this fight were the ones put into the ambulance. 

Losers of the highest regard.

This was one of those ideas had weeks ago that seemed too brilliant to believe. "We'll rent one of those dinghies from my buddy who works at the Belmont marina, they just sit there all winter, he won't care at all. We'll be able to cruise up and down the river all day drinking. It'll be great." 

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Only they came to realize their buddy never winterized the motor and not having that red stuff in with the gasoline causes it to seize up when you're in the middle of nowhere on the west bank. At least it was inflated correctly.

Around 6pm the Bears traded Justin Fields to Pittsburgh. You felt a palpable shift in the entire city's energy. Not in a good way.

One of the worst corners in downtown. Anybody found over here on a regular day is more than likely hammered or on something. On St. Patrick's Day 100% without a doubt smashed.

If you're holding the "Samurai Sword Attack" raffle ticket please come and collect your prize.

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Street cred. Ever heard of it?

Chicago people fucking love pub crawls. 

They love them even more on St. Patrick's Day. 

Why? I have no idea since every single bar is open and every single restaurant opens pretending to be a bar this whole weekend so last thing you need is a detailed map telling you where and how to bar hop, but that's just me. Maybe it's all about the $5 novelty T-shirt that ends up at Goodwill next month? 

You know things are dicey in Chicago when the first St. Patrick's Day EMS call we get from Wrigleyville comes at 10pm.

Oh here we go. Either this guy had a moment of enlightenment from his wasted friends encouraging him, "you know you don't need to take that right? There are laws against these things. Just because he's a manager doesn't make him fucking king. This is unconstitutional." 

OR, this is the same low-life I made leave my bar for trying to bring a small dog in on a leash to get trampled, whose girlfriend then fought with me screaming/slurring that she's a service dog. 

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This is why it's so important to employ the "buddy system" on days like St. Patrick's Day. "No man or woman left behind" is no fucking joke. This is how things like this occur.

One second Julie and Kyla are having a grand old time milking some schmucks from Hoffman Estates for all the free drinks they can pound, the next minute Julie is sneaking out of the bar with one of the guys to go give him a western-style hand job outside in the alley and Kyla is left panicking. Next thing she knows it she's behind the bar helping herself to the bottle of Pucker's lime that's sat there untouched for 8 years and refusing to leave. 

The Underground… still crazy, after all these years.

These people are just the worst. 

Sad part is he probably doesn't even have his wallet on him because the bouncers would have checked before calling the police. So the bar, and the bartender will end up having to eat it. 

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That's an oxymoron.

New Rule - if you roll out with your own bag-piper on St. Patrick's Day, or any day for that matter, you have the authority to threaten whoever you want. That's as bad ass as it gets in my book.

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The "responsible" drunks have headed home for the night. This is about the time where the really angry drunks, the people who never know when they've had enough, the ones down really bad who don't want to go home and sit with their feelings, and the psychos all stay out and recreate the seen from Batman when they let all the crazies out of Arkham Prison. 

Can we get more clarity please? Acting up how? You can't be a fucking burrito joint opened at 1 am on St. Patrick's Day serving drunk Mexican food to the drunkest people on Earth food and then complain when they act drunk. What are we even doing here El Greco's Buritos? Clean it up.

And people wanna think that times aren't tough out there? Thanks Obama.

Wow what a friend.

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Man do I feel bad for Palmer House security. That place used to be one of the nicest hotels in Chicago when I first moved here. Wicked expensive rooms, hoity-toity gala's always being had there. Then it just went to absolute shit and it seems like it just caters to groups of people throwing ragers there every weekend. Can only imagine the scene on St. Patrick's Day night. 

Sigh.

When did this become such a thing here? Who is to blame? Vin Diesel? 

10 Doors on Taylor Street… Shit. Was Tommy DeVito in town? 

Guy could never keep his cool.

Probably coming from Frontier, all jacked up on testosterone. Break this one up and have them each go their separate ways. Venison and Jameson is a lethal combo that gets the best of us all.

Bugs as in bugs? Like insects? Or bugs as in listening devices? Either way what the fuck?

This fuckin miscreant. 

Who was blasting off all these fireworks? Not the city right? How do you get your hands on this many fireworks in March? Krazy Kaplan's isn't open year round are they?

All in all, not the best but not the worst St. Patrick's Day I can remember in Chicago. The weather was nicer than usual (60 and sunny for most of the day), and downtown seemed to return to life which was a really good thing to see. 

I love this city.

If I missed anything please shoot it over to me Dante@barstoolsports.com