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Let's Give A Wellness Check on Every NFL Player Named Justin Using The "Just In Hell" Meter

Giphy Images.

I'm not sure what deal with the devil the representative of people named Justin made but these first few days of NFL free agency have been anything but just-in case you weren't paying attention. So I think it's appropriate to bring all the Justins together league-wide as a courtesy to see how everyone is doing.  

Using my data programming skillset (Pro Football Reference player page and CTRL + F) I was able to ID them all and rate their level of turmoil using the "Just in Hell" meter. We'll use a 1-10 rating system with 1 meaning the lowest level of Just in Hell and 10 being the most Just in Hell.  

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0 - Justin Tucker/Maduguike 

OK I lied. Neither of these pro bowl Ravens even get a 1 on the scale. It's good to see at least some Justin's aren't struggling. I mean the worst thing that's ever happened to Tucker is when Travis Kelce and Pat Mahomes went mean girls on him in warmups by lightly tossing his kicking tee aside. 

1.0 - Justin Pugh

Remember, this is the guy on the Giants that said he came straight from his couch in his Sunday Night Football intro clip. While completely uncalled for to brag to everyone watching the game from their couch, it also established his dominance from any starting quarterback on his team who could only say they came from the chicken cutlet stained couch of his parents. 

All in all, things are pretty comfy for Pugh despite no longer being on the couch. I don't think we need to worry here either. 

1.2 - Justin Houston/Bethel

Speaking of comfort, both these Justin's play in Miami so as long as they learn their lesson and don't make the playoffs again things should be more than comfortable. 

2.1 Justin Strnad

An offensive tackle for the Broncos and autocorrect nightmare, Strnad is waiting to see who he'll be needing to protect this season. The only other thing he's dealing with is the fact that his last name looks like letters on a Scrabble tile holder before you arrange them into the obvious six-letter word. I hope whoever worked at the birth certificate department of the hospital he was born at got the help required to beat dyslexia. 

2-4 - Justin Jones/Evans/Murray/Shorter/Shaffer

Just… some other guys named Justin that don't serve as a focal point for a joke or transition to a joke. 

We now move into the wellness check required section. 

8.8 Justin Hollins

It's not often a player plays games for three NFL teams in a single season but that's what Hollins dealt with last season going from Green Bay to New York to Los Angeles like some within-subjects research participant on an experiment that explores playing defensive end at perfectly spaced, stratified geographical locations of the United States. For now, he's on the Chargers. Hopefully his agent at least hooked him up with a "No-Boeing" clause as consolation to a no-trade for wherever he's shipped back and forth to and from this season. 

But hey. At least he's employed.

8.9 Justin Hardee

Employed. On the Jets.

9.1 Justin Herron

Waived by the Raiders right after Christmas. The RAIDERS. Can't get much worse than that.

9.3 Justin McCray

Not waived by the Carolina Panthers. 

9.5 Justin Jefferson

OK, we're finally on to the big three names that sparked the entire purpose of this blog. Just a few days ago Jefferson had Kirk Cousins as his QB who peppered him with targets every game Jefferson was healthy. A receiver's dream. Now…at least for the moment…it's Sam Darnold. 

It sure seems like they are making moves to draft a QB in Round 1 after the trade with the Texans but as it stands now, Jefferson is in the bowels of Justin Hell. What can possibly be worse than a pass catcher losing his quarterback only to replaced with nothing?

9.6 Justin Herbert

Meter Recalibrating…

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9.9 Justin Herbert

Oh yeah. A quarterback who loses his entire cast to be replaced with nothing. Well not his ENTIRE cast. Just 77.7 percent of it.

Justin Herbert Receiver 2023 Reception Share Leaders

This is unreal. Of Herbert's 229 total completions in 2023, 229 were caught by a someone who is longer on the team as of less than a week ago. The handmade - so not exactly to scale - graph above tells the story. There's also more than just four current pass catchers that remain from last year, but you get the point. 

I've never seen anything quite like this. Especially for a top-tier quarterback. What an experiment that will be in LA for the Chargers. No not the Justin Hollins experiment. The Jim Harbaugh experiment. 

9.99 Justin Fields

By far the most surprising story of free agency is that no one seems to want Justin Fields whatsoever. First we thought Atlanta or Pittsburgh. Kirk signs. Wilson signs. Then rumblings about the Raiders lasted all of eight minutes before Minshew swooped in. Minnesota was seen as a possible next option despite being in the same division as the Bears. In comes the Sam Darnold knife twist. 

No one seems to even know Justin Fields exists right now. The Seahawks were another team pundits keyed in on. They traded for Sam Howell. Even Drew Lock found a team. Mason Rudolph. Jameis. Brissett. JOSH JOHNSON. Then Charles Robinson of Yahoo wrote how the Eagles made picture perfect sense to sign his as a backup. Everything made sense from the scheme, cap situation, etc. And sure enough, the Eagles made a move at QB.

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This can only mean one thing now that the backup job is open in Pittsburgh given that Mike Tomlin has gone on record saying he really likes Justin Fields.

I'd love to tell Justin Fields that nice guys finish last. But in his case, he's not even finishing. He's forgotten. It's "I want to give a grown man I've never met a hug" level sad. Unreal. The flaws in his game are all on tape but there's no mistaking the improvement in his game he's made in the latter part of 2023. He did everything he was asked to do. Was coachable and respectful. And no one gives a flying fuck. 

Jesus I hope this blog goes up soon before another team passes on hi….

Seriously if you've played quarterback at the flag football level or at least tossed the ball back to the center a time or two check your phone because it will probably buzz before Field's does. 

Just a crazy few days for a few Justins in the NFL going through some stuff. 

P.S. In another universe, Ryan Tannehill's middle name would be Justin and not "Timmothy" (lame) and make a surprise appearance to this blog. What could have been…

@stathole