I Do Not Care About March Madness

It's officially that time of the year when everyone turns into a college basketball analyst! Give me a fucking break; college basketball is a subpar product. If it weren't for the tournament, nobody would even bother watching it. Around 80% of the games end with scores reminiscent of the WNBA. Why would anyone want to watch a bunch of 18-year-olds shooting 55% from the foul line? The offense in college basketball is dreadful; I'd rather watch Mintzy attempt to read a book cover to cover than sit through a college basketball game. It's nearly impossible for these guys to create their own shot; watching college basketball is like being stuck on a carousel. They go up and down, around and around, and every once in a while, you might catch a moment worth remembering.

March Madness is simply an excuse to spend the entire day sitting on your ass. Don't come complaining to me about your issues if you're wasting your time lounging on a couch watching 18-year-olds play basketball. What's preventing you from going after that Bugatti you've always dreamed of? Don't you aspire to be a Top G? Or are you content with spending your days on your ass while your mental state relies on the performance of some 18-year-old from West Chester, Pennsylvania?

If you happen to be one of those rare college basketball savants like my friend Jeff D Lowe, then this month is tailor-made for you, and no one should deny you that pleasure. This is simply for all the people who act like they give a fuck when they don't. Pick your bracket, that's fine, no once cares about your bracket that's going to bust after the first game, just stop acting like you Jay Balis or whatever that fucking dorks name is.