Pre-Dinner Mintz: A Preview Blog Of My 1-On-1 Dinner Date Tonight With Mintzy
Let me begin with this: I thought that quitting my job, letting go of my decade long pension, moving out of my first home that I bought less than one year ago, uprooting my life to a city where I know a grand total of zero people, and betting on myself that I can prove my worth before my two-year contract is up would be the biggest risk I'd take this week.
…..and then Ben Mintz DM'd me yesterday morning at 7:51 am to see if I wanted to get dinner together.
I will say that I've gotten my fair share of these messages from eligible females in the city since I've dropped the cartoon face and revealed that, modestly, I'm a solid….6? Add in the Barstool Bump and some of these ladies might confuse me for a 7 and a half! Trying to stay humble here, but man it's hard to do that when for the last 30 years of your life you're a nobody, and then someone stops and asks to take a picture with you on your walk home from work because you "fucking killed your first day, bro". This love in the comment section and on Twitter have been great, but if one more lady slides into my DMs asking me to play one-on-one like Monica and Quincy do in Love & Basketball….
…I might have to take a page from Marcus Aurelius' book and hire a servant to follow me around constantly whispering in my ear, "You're just a man. You're just a man".
Besides, I'm taken, ladies! Married to the Blog!
Anyways, I got the dinner invite from Mintzy, and to further the ever-growing list of evidence that I'm no dummy at this game, the first thing I did was check my calendar to make sure there were no Company Sponsored events that night. After clearing that hurdle, I knew exactly what I had to do next: I went right to Katz. Marched my 6 foot 2, slender physique with a little flow and pretty bluish-green eyes right up to the penthouse office and said, Hey Cat-Man! Is dinner with the Village Idiot a good idea? He responded, no Tate, my sweet little Minor League prospect that I expect to work his way into the Majors sooner rather than later, going to a 1-on-1 dinner date with Ben Mintz on your second night in town is not a good idea at all. That's a fucking GREAT idea.
So I accepted. And I tweeted the news myself before Woj could steal it from me.
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….and then came out all the federally licensed Content Advisors of the internet. "Stay the hell away from that dude" and "Be careful of the company you keep" were flying off the shelves like Brick Watches. And let me take this moment to tell you all something: I really do respect, value, and utilize the feedback of the Stoolies. If you guys have any ideas for my second episode of my new Cleaning Up The Company blog series, please send them my way. But when push comes to shove, I'm leaning with Daniel Katz on all things content. The man says go to dinner and blog the fuck out of it, so that's exactly what I'm going to do.
….although it would be very funny if getting in the Ben Mintz Business ended my long and illustrious career at Barstool Sports was murdered after one day on the job.
It's a risk I'm willing to take! Besides, the way I see it, I taught a Special Needs reading class the last few years of my career. And while it may be difficult on that initial first day, once you can build a relationship with them, the sky is the limit. The ideas of making Ben Mintz write a passing essay for a 7th grader makes me laugh, and so does perhaps coaching an inner city basketball team together next year. I think the juice may be worth the squeeze on this one.
Anyways, here's some odds set for tonight's dinner:
Mintzy Shows Up To The Right Place (+200)
Odds have really shifted on this one in the last week, with the sharp money appearing to come in heavy on the NO side of things. I mean, you would think that since he's picking the location, he will in fact show up to that location. Then again, he also was delivered an RSVP his friends' wedding this past weekend and instead went to someone else's….and stayed there…
Mintzy's Shirt Is Wrinkled (-400)
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Yeah I'm responsibly hammering the over….
Mintzy Picks Up The Bill (-110)
Let me say this: I do not expect Ben Mintz to pick up the tab. In fact, I will probably offer to pick up the bill as it was very kind of him to invite the new guy to dinner, especially when I know zero people in the city. But I will also say that if I was still living in Columbus, and I asked someone to dinner who was new to town, I would pay for them as a welcome gift. I think that's standard? But also, I think we all know that nothing associated with Ben Mintz is….normal. My best guess is he tells the waitress to split the bill, in which I'll refuse and cover the whole thing. Hey, after 20 days of unemployment, I'm finally collecting a paycheck again. I can afford it!
Mintzy and I Look Straight In The Eyes and Kiss (+1600)
Let's be very clear: the 16 to 1 odds on this prop do not come from the "and Kiss" portion. If Mintzy treats me well on this first date and walks me to my door afterwards, I have no problem jiggling my keys around until he gives me a peck on the cheek. But the longshot payoff on this wager specifically comes from the "Look Straight In The Eyes" wording. Going to be tough to do when my line of vision is parallel and his is more perpendicular.
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It's going to be like when a girl posts a TikTok of herself fully clothed except for the split second where she's in a bra and underwear. We're going to have to time it up exactly right to lock eyes.
I Hoodwink Mintzy Into Trading Himself Off His Dozen Team So I Can Play Trivia With Mark Titus (+450)
This is my master plan. I asked Titus on Mostly Sports yesterday what his Dozen situation was, while knowing exactly what it was. If Goal #5 on my 2 Year Plan is to work with Mark Titus, don't think I'm not already scheming up ideas on Day 2. The plan doesn't work unless you do! So I don't know, you guys tell me. Do you think I can convince Mintzy how high his potential is right now and that he needs to declare himself a Free Agent in The Dozen to join a more prominent team? So then 5 minutes afterwards, I can announce that I am joining the team he just left. I kinda hope this whole ruse can be executed while we're sitting across from each other at supper.
I Discover That Mintzy Is Keyser Söze (+850)
Let me say this: All Business Paige (Office Manager) and I met at the conclusion of my workday yesterday, and she asked me how my day went / what I had in store for tomorrow. I explained that I needed to prep for my first date with Ben Mintz, and she said the following: "One thing that you won't believe is that Mintzy is actually one of the smartest people here". I said ABP, you are correct, that is unbelievable. She quickly retracted and clarified that he has a sharp mind on "certain things" like poker, but her point stood clear, he is no dummy. I'm going to dig a little deeper tonight, because if this man does in fact know what he's doing, then he is the greatest con-man of our generation. What if Mintzy sits down right across from me and his eyes straighten out like Söze loses his limp at the end of the movie…
Alright that's what I got for you guys on the PRE-DINNER side of things. I probably won't live tweet the event due to a little something called table manners, but when I get home tonight, I'll start workshopping the After Dinner Mintz blog to be released first thing tomorrow morning.
Post Blog Notes:
* I don't know where we're going. Is it funnier to do something fancy, or can the boys enjoy some chicken wings and beer?
** Just found out Mintzy chooses not to drink alcohol. Totally cool, and I support him and anyone who makes that decision.
*** Are you allowed to drink a beer when the other person does not?