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First Day On The Job: Here’s The 5 Goals I Want To Achieve During My Time At Barstool

Good morning, everyone. It is 7:00 am, and I am currently sitting here in the Chicago office all alone, unsure of what I’m supposed to do. I know that I’m really early, so this is not a shot at any coworkers whatsoever, but for the last 9 years of my life, I’ve had to get up at 5:30 in the morning and be at work by 6:30. I enjoyed sleeping in today, but even after a 30 minute walk to work, I’m still the first one here and I’m sort of bored. Anyways, I figure it’s time to do what Dave hired me to do: write.

Before I begin this blog, in which I will outline the five goals I wish to accomplish in my new career, I do think it’s important to take a step back and reflect on the craziness of how I got here. No, I’m not talking about the last five and a half years as a part-time employee or my time as a teacher (it’s time to stop integrating those points into everything I write), I’m talking about the fact that just over one month ago, I was living a completely different life, and if not for a series of fortunate events for me / unfortunate events for others, I would still be living that same life today for the next 30 years.

Do you know how many things had to go exactly right for me to be here today? I’m not a big proponent of immediately thanking God after every single thing that goes well, but to the non-believers out there, how can you explain the course of events over the last four weeks going how they did, when if any single one of them happened differently…..from Gaz withholding my May pay, to the high quota put on me by the editors, to me randomly watching Barstool Radio that day she/her mentioned not coming in on Fridays so she/her could blog, to finding out the fact that there were zero blogs written on the last eight Fridays, to how it was handled the following Monday on radio, to Dave canceling radio, and the etc, etc, etc that ensured…..I would still be sitting in Staff Meetings from 2:15 - 3:00 pm every afternoon contemplating what I was going to teach the next day / if I was going to blow my brains out that night. And don’t think for a minute that a huge pro of saying Yes to the second option was that I wouldn’t even have to worry about the first issue…

Anyways, the stars aligned just how they needed to, and here I am, starting a new job this morning. Now, the way I was raised, you never go into a new situation without a plan. You always write down your goals, and then you work backwards to map out what you need to do to achieve them. So without further adieu, here are my 5 goals that I want to achieve while working at Barstool:

Goal #1: Become The Editor-In-Chief 

So I’ve only been writing here for 5.5 years, and in that time span, I’ve worked under three Editors-in-Chief: KMarko, Coley, and Nate. If I was to rank them in order of who did the best job, I’d give a quick laugh because it reminds me of when South Park Elementary voted to see if the Giant Douche or the Turd Sandwich was a better school mascot. But then I’d immediately, without hesitation, go Nate, Coley, and then KMarko. But if I was to order them in who was the biggest fucking dickhead, I’d go KMarko, pause for 20 minutes to make my point crystal clear, then go Nate, Coley really fast. Regardless, history shows that odds are at some point in my full-time career, this position will open up again, and I will throw my size 7 1/2 hat (big head guy, ladies) into the ring. 

At this point (Day 1 on the job), I will not force my way in, although I do think there is a lesson to be learned from how Napoleon overthrew the French Directory and named himself Emperor. But right now, I truly mean that I appreciate Nate. First, he clearly cares about Barstool. And second, I genuinely think he has a good heart. He called me immediately after Pedophile Gate and apologized, and he chose not to do anything publicly to put my teaching and/or coaching careers in Jeopardy. Plus, we struck a deal on the telephone after I blogged the need for a Defense Lawyer that if I would never mention the pedophile headline against him again if he would remove the blog quota that was placed on me. I don’t want to work less, I just want to be able to spend actual time and effort on making something good, instead of putting up two paragraphs to simply check off Gaz’s box.

To make sure we’re all on the same page though….can we recap the trade deal I just pulled off after just four weeks ago being required to blog 35x in a month to bring home about $600? 

It was a pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Portnoy! I mean, even the great Tom Sawyer would be jealous of this con. Sure, he got the neighborhood boys to do his chores and pay him in toys and apple cores to white wash Aunt Polly’s fence, but I just went from Gaz withholding my pay for not getting to 35 blogs a month to getting paid more than I was originally making in my full-time job + 3 part-time jobs….and to now do less work in one of the part-time jobs and quit the other 4 professions all together? Are we sure we’re all playing the same game here?

Anyways, if you would like to join the Office Pool I’m starting to predict the date of when I do take over as EIC, please fill out this form. Will post the spreadsheet and announce the winner when we have one. $100 cash prize!

**I promise you all one thing: no matter where my journey at this company takes me, I will never leave the blog. I know it may be easier to post a video, and I know it may be more lucrative to start a podcast, but I love writing, and I stand by the fact that this company was built on the blog, and it would be nowhere the giant it is today without it. So while some of the greatest to ever stroke the keyboard like Dave, Big Cat, KFC, and KB have all sat out the required five years necessary to be inducted into the Hall of Fame, I do hope to show the old dogs a few new tricks that may make the profession a little more lucrative. 

Goal #2: Get Involved In College Football Content

Here’s a little known fact about me: College Football is my favorite thing on earth, and I travel to a different stadium each year / get a mini helmet to display in the living room of my affordable house overpriced apartment to remember the trip.

Sorry for the clutter, they were packed up for the move. I have trips planned to both Colorado @ Nebraska and Ohio State @ Oregon this year, but those arrangements are on pause depending on if I can get in the mix with our Saturday coverage. Anyways, the timing of Unnecessary Roughness announcing their new crew really cut me deep, because I ALMOST told Brandon Walker when I visited Chicago to shoot free throws that I was extremely interested in helping him (I think he’s elite) however he thinks I could pitch in, but I figured I’d wait until March when I was here full-time. Nope, two days later they announced the changes. So I spoke with one of our editors saying how I’d love to be able to timely publish content about college football on Saturdays, and unfortunately I was told that Big T is already our main college football guy. And while I could help, he would get first priority on stories. To be clear: I was also under the impression that he was the company’s main free throw guy too until I had to drive 6 hours through the night to fill in for him. But I get it, we have our own combination of Kirk Herbstreit, Pat McAfee, and Lee Corso all in one, standing on each other's shoulders ala The Little Rascals inside whatever orange garb Big GT is wearing that day — so I have no problem playing second fiddle until they find out Alan can’t guard the receiver from Hayfield and they need Petey Jones to step in. 

I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I don’t have any issues with Big T, seems like a funny guy from what I can tell and I respect his over the top love for his team. I just want a piece of the College Football pie that company scarfs down each Fall, and I’m looking for a way to get in on it. So I know the big fella is against vaccines and all, but he may want to get the newest covid one. We’re one dude eating a bat in China away from another world Plandemic, and I’d hate to see Big T get Wally Pipp’d because he was out sick. 

Goal #3: Create A Following

When Dave first reached out to me about going full-time, he said it was clear I could write (and that he’s always known that), but his “biggest fear” was what happens if I can’t create a following outside of Browns blogs. And he said that while the hit pieces were “really good”, they were like the new Barstool Radio after two weeks: unsustainable. Point being, Dave says I need to get to the point where people care about what I have to say on more than just the Ohio State football team. And said if I cant, he’ll have to let me go in two years and doesn’t want to “fuck me over” with teaching.

Talk about Davey Big Heart! Very kind of him to be thinking like that, but I simply told Dave that it’s not his problem if I cannot hold up my end of the bargain. He’s the boss and he needs to make decisions that are in the best interest of the company. And besides, failing at this hasn’t even crossed my mind. I’m more concerned that I’ll get the coaching itch again more than not be able to write about funny things. Oh, speaking of coaching….how about the 51 MILLION impressions I got while covering….high school girls basketball….this last month? I’m not going to act like it had as many viewers as the backend of the forbidden Klemmer stream had in the New York Office during a workday, but 1600+ people concurrently watching a bunch of 16-year-old girls break the world record for most jump balls in a basketball game was something.

You wanted me to create a following, Dave? Well I put my head down and did just that. And it’s not like the topic was the most interesting in the world, either. The WNBA’s Atlanta Dream average 3,000 fans per game – I think there were 3,000 in attendance last Tuesday plus 7,500 watching from home. So now I hope that following can continue in other avenues of my work, because honestly, the people I’m most envious of at this company are not the big wigs of the blog like Reags and Greenie. It’s really the people that have legitimate support from groups like the Minifans, Jersey Jerry’s Army, and the Rico Ryders.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I think the “common man” readers of this site can relate very well to someone who was a common man literally a week ago. I put in 9 years in the real world just like all of the fans of this company do every day, and I hope to bring back some of the old Barstool where you actually blog about life in a humorous way instead of scouring the internet for someone else’s article, read the Reddit comments, and then regurgitate them like they’re your own. I really like sports, and I think I have a gift of retelling stories in a way that is easy to follow for the layman’s terms type of crowd, while mixing in a few references and analogies for the sharper minds. I think I can do this….?

Side Note: If I’m able to conquer Dave Portnoy’s biggest fear and create a following for myself, can we brainstorm some good names together? I see a couple Tater’s Tots here and there when I do something the commenters really like, but I don’t know…is that cool or is that Out and About?

Goal #4: Get A 3rd Teardrop

Let me be very clear: I do not want to make my career, nor do I think it would be a successful one if I did, off of attacking coworkers. Like I said earlier, I feel like me and Nate are in a fine place, and other than a fictitious revisionist history interview with Walter Cronkite filled with 30 minutes of Tate Talk, she at least appears to have toned down on the 70+ tweets per day at me and has resorted to subtle subtweets like smirking Grinch faces less than three minutes after my basketball team lost in the Sweet 16. Point being, despite me really looking forward to the day where I get to travel to New York City and have a sitdown with the first Female President of not just the prestigious United States but the world-renowned Barstool NYC Office, I can at least say from my perspective, I’m in my Pax Romana Era. I am going to fully lay off them both and shift my focus to producing funny content without making it at the expense of others. But that doesn’t mean just because I’m done fighting that I’ve packed up shop and left all my weapons to the enemy like the United States did in Afghanistan…

I think my favorite part of this last month has actually been the amount of DMs of congratulations I received from current Barstool employees. I sincerely mean when I say I appreciate every single one of them, and I’m looking forward to working with all of them, but part of me wonders if the kind words were more of celebratory olive branches than celebratory bottles of champagne. 

Take Kaycee Smith, for example, who I think does an excellent job in her role and I hope our paths cross with some college football one day, reaching out with a standard “Congratulations on full-time!” message. I responded with a run-of-the-mill Thank You, love the college football show, and that I’m looking forward to meeting her. And her response? Same, same….plus I’ve learned to stay on your good side, lol. 

…oh so the word is out? In very different ways, the legend lives on…

But in all honesty, what a smart move by Smith. Although I’m not a tough person to please, I do take very meticulous notes. Through that simple tip of the cap, paired with the first blowjob I’ve ever gotten from a guy, I had to update my list of potential targets like the lipstick guy in Billy Madison.

Update your Facebook status for your family and friends, you two. You can both be marked SAFE from any future attacks. But to the rest of you that chimed in on my hiring, I know exactly who said what and who sided where. One flaw I have is that I have rabbit ears, but one strength I have is the ability to stick a dagger into the side of people with my words and twist it while they bleed. Stay off my lawn and I won’t shoot, but if I hear any unnecessary snide comments from the peanut gallery, I’m not afraid to kill again.

Goal #5: Work With Mark Titus and Brandon Walker

Breaking News: I think Mostly Sports is the best show in the Barstool Lineup these days (aside from the Out of Order sketches…that shit is so fucking funny). If my insane string of luck hasn’t run out yet, the best thing that could ever happen to me in these first few weeks is that I rub elbows with Brandon and Mark enough that I could perhaps get an invite onto their show, where I could woo them with my knowledge of ball / intelligence / creative brain / overcome my confidence problem. And if the first date goes well, maybe, just maybe….they’d select me as the fill in for Walker when he goes to Wrestlemania and Titus needs a replacement co-host at the Final Four. And we could call it…..Titus and Tate? The comment section appears to give it’s all important voice of approval…

Speaking that into existence may be too tough in such a short period of time, though. I might need to get back to the drawing board and brainstorm some other ideas. An Ohio State call-in show could be in the cards during football season….or maybe we do something called Titus vs. Tate? Would it be entertaining if we ended The Yak once a week with me drawing up a last second play to run on the basketball court against a defense coached by Titus, and then the coaching roles reverse the following week? Keep a running tally of which basketball mind is more successful on their last second plays….using the cast of The Yak. Could you imagine Big Cat setting a solid back screen for a KB alleyoop to Brandon Walker at the buzzer? Sounds like a fun way to end the show once a week. I don’t know, just an idea, but point being, I’d like to show my worth enough to work my way in with those two. I think we can do some good things together.

Alright, that’s what I got for you guys. First full-time blog done. I have written these 5 goals down in my little notebook, and when I get back to my apartment tonight at……what time do I work til?……I will put them on my mirror. I’m a big mirror goals guy. You get to see what you want AND the person who is either working towards them or lazily falling away from them….all in the same view. True story, at one point when I was in college and living at home for the summer, I wrote down 3 goals for where I wanted my life to be in five years: Teaching, Coaching Varsity Basketball, and writing for Barstool Sports. Let’s hope I can bat 1000% on these five, too.