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German Dude Has His Penis Severed From His Body And Everyone Immediately Looks To Blame His Dog, Real Mature Guys

NZ Herald- A man was rushed to hospital after authorities initially believed his pet dog “about the size of a Jack Russell terrier” bit off his penis and ate it.

Neighbours of the man, who lives in Germany, alerted police after they heard the pet dog’s incessant barking coming from his home at 2am.

When first responders arrived, they could hear loud groans coming from the man’s home.

They broke the front door down and found the 66-year-old man writhing in pain alongside his barking dog.

German newspaper Bild reported the man’s penis has so far not been recovered from the scene.

Lemanis, from the Bochum police, told the German tabloid: “The man has been put into an artificial coma by the doctors. We hope we can interview him soon.

“One hypothesis, of course, is that the dog, which is about the size of a Jack Russell terrier, bit off the penis and ate it. The wound could also be a bite wound.

Ok today’s your lucky day because you’re getting two blogs for the price of one here.

For the first one, let’s imagine this story is real. And that this little tiny Jack Russel Terrier, who looks like Baxter from Anchorman. 

Giphy Images.

You’re trying to tell me, this little fella, German as it may be, just out of the blue decided to jump up and chomp down on his owners hog? Got such a good bite he bit it clean off, then swallowed the thing like an Oyster shooter? 

You’re telling me there was no peanut butter involved or any depraved shit like that going on? 

Giphy Images.

Ok, let’s say this little demon dog actually did that. 

Then he is runaway Bad Dog of the Month winner, and I’m just gonna go ahead and give him the trophy for the whole year right here right now in March. 

I’m in the camp who could kill a human much easier than I could kill a dog, but even I say you gotta say sayonara to this little guy if he’s guilty of the crime. That’s beyond fucked up. 

Now for the bonus blog.

“But it’s also possible a sex accident or a crime”: he posited.

Police have since said they firmly believe another person was involved in the incident, and that the dog played no part in an attack.

“The separation of the genitals was definitely done by another person,” police said.

Holy shit man way to just slide that one in there after we already had the poor dog hooked up to the electric chair.

Get this guy out of his coma, and get him talking. Can’t be framing the dog like this, blasting his good name throughout the world, making international headlines, besmirching the good name of good dogs the world over! This is a conspiracy and there better be some ambulance chasing attorney in Florida firing up his Netjet to fly over to Germany and represent this dog in a giant libel suit. 

P.s.- cue the morons in the comment section bitching about a blog on Barstool Sports dot com, on a Sunday afternoon for being fake. Don’t put A THING past the Germans you idiots. Sexual deviants. I’m telling you.

P.p.s.- my mind went straight to this A+ scene from Beethoven while reading this