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The "Pickle Monster" Is America's Next Great Super Villain, Goes Around Terrorizing New Jersey Delis By Bobbing For Pickles

Something that I think a lot of people forget is that in order for great superheroes to exist, there also needs to be great super villains. There would be no need for a Batman if there weren't a Joker running around terrorizing the people of Gotham. Nobody would give a shit that Peter Parker got bit by a spider if he didn't have to use his powers to stop Green Goblin. The Avengers would just be a bunch of dorks in costumes if they didn't have to prevent Thanos from obliterating half the universe's population. 

Fact of that matter is that we love heroes, but we actually need villains. 

And I think the Pickle Monster has the making of being one of the all-timers. I mean just think about this for a moment. One day you're living your ordinary life in South Jersey. The only thing you're terrified of is having to pump your own gas. It's a happy, quiet life. Next thing you know, however, your life is overcome with fear and anxiety that one day you could be in a deli that gets attacked by the Pickle Monster. You're picking up your thinly sliced turkey, maybe a quart of potato salad, and right as you go to reach for one of those deliciously crispy and sour pickles hanging out in those massive barrels...


The Pickle Monster strikes again! No pickle is safe. Could be kosher dill, could be bread & butter, could be half sour. It doesn't matter, the Pickle Monster is coming. Your life is never the same. You know the sheer level of chaos and horror that awaits you around every corner. You can hardly bring yourself to go out and buy groceries anymore. 

That is, of course, until a hero comes around and puts an end to the Pickle Monster. We need a watchful protector over delis all across New Jersey. Help us, Gherkin Guy. You're our only hope. 

P.S. -- Speaking of heroes, I'm currently on my 3rd day of paternity leave and still pumping out blogs over here. That's what we call hero ball.