Dumping Them Out: Racist Dogs
I've always fantasized about writing movies. I don't have the audacity to think I could actually make come up with a good one, due to a combination of laziness and a lack of confidence. I don't know the first thing about script writing. For example, one time I emailed a script for a sketch to Francis and he told me, "You're gonna have to reformat that if you want me to read it." Which I'm sure he was right about. I probably should have been more professional with my writing. But it still hurt my feelings. Also the sketch was about suicide, so idk if Barstool actually would have let me make it. The gist of it was Elon Musk rolls out a new Twitter feature. It's a suicide hotline that you have to pay for. "Pay-To-Stay" is what it's called. So when you want to kill yourself, you pay a certain amount of dollars per month, then all of the sudden you get access to suicide hotline number. But more importantly, you gain a bunch of followers. Shaquille O'Neal and few other famous people interact with your tweets. All the sudden you have an online presence. Then you don't want to kill yourself anymore. In the sketch the guy gets a 1 month "Pay-To-Stay" free trial, but then one the free trial ended he lost a bunch of followers and blew his brains out.
Now that I type that out I feel like it's not that bad. Maybe I just shouldn't have the guy blow his brains out at the end. I suppose he could just decide to pay the monthly fee. That might be something I have to revisit. Anyways, here are few movie/sketch ideas I have that I would like to make someday.
Advertisement
Movie #1: The year is 1968. People in America still view homosexuality as an illness. But gradually, more and more people are beginning to accept it. A progressive filmmaker decides to make a movie about a boy in high school who is coming to terms with the fact that he likes men. Obviously the boy is facing a lot of adversity. But the movie isn't about the boy's journey. It's about the making of the film. But since nobody on set has ever met a gay person before, they have to hire a "gay consultant" (i.e. a random gay guy). The gay consultant is hired to help with the script and oversee the production of the film to make sure it's realistically gay enough. The director keep asking him questions like, "Now, in this scene, do you think he's walking gayly enough?" or "Would a gay man order a steak at dinner or is that too unbelievable?" and things of that nature. Eventually, the consultant gets fed up with their ignorance and starts giving them horrible advice, just to fuck with them. For example, he'll tells them things like, "You can always tell a man is gay if he's wearing a basket of fruit on his head like Carmen Miranda." He also tells them, "All gay people secretly want a large pair of breast implants". So he convinces production to include a scene where the boy gets huge tits. This movie that's supposed to be a serious, progressive film becomes this cartoonish depiction of what these idiot filmmakers think being gay is all about. It becomes a cult classic in the gay community as it's a fun little inside joke about how they were able to mess with these big time Hollywood producers.
Movie #2: I know this premise of a movie has been used 100 times, but I'm gonna put my own little spin on it. Say there's a family who has 2 dogs. One white dog and one black dog. The dogs are in the prime of their life (3-6 years old). Then one day, the white dog eats a weird mushroom off the ground. The next morning, the dog can speak English. But now that the white dog can talk, we learn what he really thinks. Turns out the dog is crazy racist. Not against people, but against other dogs. The white dog fucking hates his black sister. He uses an arsenal of slurs that we haven't even heard before. More and more dogs start stumble upon these mushrooms, and soon enough there's a shit load of dogs who can talk. We learn that there's a disturbing amount of racism in the dog community. Dog race war breaks out. Black dogs and white dogs fucking hate each other. Brown dogs are a whole other story. It's a huge problem. It becomes the focal point of the next presidential election. I don't really know how this movie ends. It's merely a jumping off point. I'm only an ideas guy. But I think there's something there.
Advertisement
Movie #3: This one kind of sucks, but It's like the movie Limitless, except the limitless drug is extremely accessible, and has no negative side effects. The manufacturer of the drug doesn't care about making money, they just want to make the people of the world smarter and more ambitious. They have the best of intentions. So this drug gets distributed all across the world. It's a miracle drug. Everyone is now a genius. It even prevents current drug addicts (heroin, crack, meth, etc.) from going through withdrawl. Nothing bad happens from the drug, all it does is enhance your brain. But once everybody is a genius, things start to turn bad. All of the sudden, everybody is on a level playing field. But still, there are only so many jobs to go around. There's not enough money to go around. The competition is fierce. The unfortunate people who end up with the short end of the stick are pissed. They end up forming militias. Civil war breaks out in every country. But it's even more viscous because everybody is competent. Turns out, every person being intelligent and ambitious isn't necessarily a good thing for society. Nuclear warfare breaks out. Billions of people die. Suddenly we have an apocalypse situation on our hands. Eventually the drug runs out and Will Smith has to bring back society to normal.
Clearly these are only half-baked ideas. I feel like the last one sort of sucked, but I think the first few have potential. That's the beauty of Dumping Them Out. I've sort of hacked the internet. It's a free brain dump. Since everyone is just here for the GIFs, I can drink a few beers and put whatever dumb bullshit comes into my mind into a blog and nobody is going to give shit. Worst case scenario the reader gets to enjoy some Boob GIF's. If anybody knows a director who would like to make one of these movies please let me know.
