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The Final Bell Just Rung: My Teaching Career Is Officially Over

It's 2:10 on Friday afternoon. Another school day has just ended for the 135 students that I have in class this year, but my teaching career just ended for……what could be forever. And I'm not really sure what to say right now? I've never really been at a loss for words, whether that be in speaking or writing, but I'm honestly having a surreal feeling that I cannot describe very well at the moment. The fact of the matter is that all I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a Teacher and a High School Basketball Coach. Some kids go through different phases of wanting to become Astronauts or Doctors or Lawyers, or even in the basketball world for us too small & too slow white free throw shooters, a college or NBA coach. Nope, not me. My role model growing up was my 10th grade Honors English teacher, and he was also my High School Basketball Coach. He taught me, loved me, and most importantly, he held me to a high standard and demanded the best out of me. So when I did finally grow up, I simply wanted to become a positive light for kids that need one the most, just like Coach did for me. And I feel like for the last 9 years, I've worked very hard to do that.

Anyways, I don't have the proper words to say Goodbye to the over 1,500 kids I've taught, learned with, laughed with, and cried with, so I guess I'll just go through my camera roll and relive some awesome memories? Starting with August 14th, 2015…..my first day of school:

Nice facial hair, you 22-year-old weirdo. Love that you understood the importance of a shirt and tie at a young age, though. A symbol of professionalism and hard work. Both of those go a long way in any career. And despite the seriousness of the dress up, anyone that knew me then knew that was the only part of my persona that was serious. I started off as the young, fun teacher that would do anything the kids asked to make coming to school more enjoyable for them, such as getting taped to the wall ala the world renowned podcast producer, Mr. Hank Lockwood:

That sucked to be stuck to a wall for not one but two entire lunch periods, but it made the kids happy. And I made sure I had my fun with them too, always enjoying the day before Thanksgiving Break, especially when the Buckeyes were in the middle of an 8 game win streak in the Rivalry…

I can't believe those kids are adults now….

Speaking of kids that are adults now, one of my favorite memories early on in teaching was when Fortnite got really popular with my 7th graders, and we made a bet that if I couldn't get a "dub" over the long weekend, they could call me Mr. Loser for the entire next week. I shit you not, I played on Thursday night, all day Friday, all day Saturday, all day Sunday, and in the middle of Presidents' Day on Monday……after sitting in a bush the entire time….and the other finalist shot a rocket into the ground….it finally happened:

Man, I was the King of the school that Tuesday. They had to call me by MY NAME the rest of February and into March, when we started my favorite annual project: March Madness brochures. 

Was this a boondoggle to give myself a week off to study brackets? Maybe. Did I assign an argumentative writing / debate project on who would win the 1st round games so we could then watch the 12:20 pm tip-off games on Thursday and Friday from my classroom? YES.

I believe that was the year that Mr. Galvin set the course record, which still stands today, of 45 straight makes on the Pop-a-Shot Machine.

Thought about bringing him to the 41 free throw challenge, but that little bitch wouldn't quit his job with me. Kidding, Mark. Love you, and love when we (Principal Baptist, stop reading now) would bet the kids games of Pop-a-Shot to either make them do Silent Reading so we could chill, or let them play on their computers so they could chill.

Being a teacher never felt like work. Sure we already have summers off, but even regular holidays were just filled with fun and games.

That live Mr. Moore-gan Wallen concert was epic. So was the time our entire school shut down due to a contagious diarrhea disease (not pictured) for 2 weeks!!! But that paled in comparison to working at home for 3 months due to Covid….

Teaching class via Zoom was hands down the most ridiculous thing I've ever done in my life (and it was NOT good for the kids), but I made the most out of it by prerecording my lessons in different themes for the students to enjoy:

That was when Tiger King was hot in the streets, and things like that allowed me to have so much fun during covid. I mean, I taught 50+ lessons with various themes. If Dave wanted more evidence of me being able to make content, I think he could just go rewatch my Grammar sessions live from outer space during 2020. The staff agreed they were pretty good too:

And then Covid died down a bit and we were finally allowed back into the classroom (in small increments), and by the luck of the draw, I had an entire class of just boys.

Folks, this will go down as my favorite part of teaching….ever. Guy Day Friday. I'd bring in a case of (Root) Beer. We'd kick our shoes off. We'd eat pizza. We'd smoke candy cigarettes. We'd watch football. Just guys being dudes.

Okay, I feel like I'm rambling. I don't know how this will be received, but I feel like I owe it to myself to take this trip down Memory Lane. And it was a memorable one, like getting pied in the face in front of the whole school:

Or dressing up in an 80s track suit to "get the kids warmed up" the day before state test each year.

Or when someone stole my Chipotle out of the staff fridge, and I turned it into a week long investigation lesson.

Or when the fucking KIDS convinced the Principal to let them steal my car on April Fools Day:

Man, I'm going to miss this silly shit. And I didn't really realize how much I was going to until today….my last day.

$200 to stay? This kid must not know Portnoy threw me the bag (in terms of public education) to leave the classroom? But it's the gesture that counts way more than any money could…

Today was flat out awesome. Thank you to my Principal for asking me / allowing me to come back and teach one more day. I thought the kids, parents, staff, etc were going to be upset with the mid-year departure, but I've never felt more loved and supported. I mean, today's lesson was that we spun the Mr. Moore's Goodbye Present Wheel, created an email that they can contact me at for what we determined to be the next 30 years, and auctioned off all of my belongings for a grand total of zero dollars. I signed more copies of The Giver and The Outsiders than I thought were in circulation on this planet, but the kids all wanted a momento to hang on to. And I got my fair share of momentos, too….

Tate's Army? Oh boy, I'm not sure the comment section is ready for these 135 absolutely ruthless (and hilarious) 12-year-old HEATHENS, but I'm so glad they're on my side. 

Alright, that's what I got for you guys, as I now have to go turn in my staff computer…that I've been blogging on for 6 years. It's now 2:10, the final bell just rung, and my time as a teacher, whether that be temporarily or permanently, has officially come to an end:

But with sad endings always come new beginnings, and it's an understatement to say I'm thrilled to join the best company in the world for my next career:

I'm so fucking excited to start on March 11th. I think I've put the majority of my time, effort, and talent into a multitude of things over the last decade, but starting in a month, for the first time ever, I will only be focused on one thing. I think I have some great ideas to make people laugh that I've always had to hold back on due to various reasons, but now I finally get to move forward with them.

In the meantime, I'm going to try and sell my house, move all of my belongings to an apartment in Chicago (where I've been once….for 7 hours…to shoot free throws), and go win the first state championship in Granville High School Basketball history. Tournament start next Wednesday. What a storybook ending that would be….