Introducing "The NBA Casuals Club" - A Weekly Journey Through Irreverant NBA Stats Catered To My Fellow Casuals

Stathole2/17/2024 3:00 PM

This blog is for you. The NBA casual.

Call it a whimsicle check-in on some relevant yet intentionally irreverent NBA stats with a target audience of my fellow brethren. The NBA casual. You like the NBA and might even have a favorite team, but can only take the game as serious as the game takes itself. That'll be how I treat this blog that you can count on reading each and every week for the rest of the season with the exception of potentially several weeks off to adhere to my "load management" routine. All for the sake of staying on brand with the bit. I can't lose either, because even if this whole idea flops then technically that's on brand too.

Little preamble since this is the opening blog to a recurring bit. I should explain the deeper, philosophical underpinnings behind your future updates on things like how many days the league has gone without a flopping technical. Because from a 30,000 ft. view this blog is really a satire on what the league has become.

You might have read some of my weekly "NFL Sad Stats" blog for the past two seasons. Given the positive vibes and interest readers seem to have in random stats loosely tied to current events I've been looking to do something in this vein with NBA. But this blog isn't just sad stats (oh, but there will be). The personal connection isn't quite there for me like it is with Chicago Bears fandom. My perspective on NBA basketball is different and I think there's probably a lot of others who share a similar sentiment. I gave up truly respecting the game when the rules and "points of emphasis" were injected into the offensive recession of the early aughts as some form of fiat to save the game with few superstars outside of Kobe, Duncan and an emerging Dirk.

And here we are now. A game that's filled with great players set on rookie mode for whatever team has the ball. Where even the weakest offensive link on a starting squad can regularly commit an act just short of a misdemeanor to earn a couple of free throws. The fiat offense is just out of control.

I mean…

But wait. Here I still am. Interested in a game I'm talking shit about. I guess I see the potential it could realize if it ditched the bumper bowling rules. So until it does, I'm going to take the game as seriously as it deserves and satire each and every week I'm not load managing. That's what this blog will be about. If I ever shut up and fucking get to it.

So let's get to it. Sorry for the preamble. But I take very seriously the act of not taking the NBA very seriously. If you find this feeling in any way relatable then sit back and relax on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Let's get casual.

NBA Casuals Club: Vol 1

OK. Football is over so we need to catch you up as quickly as possible. Here's a starter-kit graph below showing each team's progression throughout the season where they stand above or below .500. This will help you learn the two most important questions to be properly briefed on the NBA season.

- Who's the team to beat?

- Who sucks ass?

We don't have the time or the care to worry about anyone else right now so the rest of the teams are grayed out. But if anyone at the water cooler at work asks you about basketball, you'll know these two key pieces of information.

You: "See the game last night, Bob? Pistons man. BAD!"

Bob (inner monologue): "This guy knows ball"

The Pistons really do suck. Just look at the sharp downgrade on that blue line. I haven't seen a faster Detroit death slide with pelvic breaking jagged bumps in Detroit since… well, actually I guess it's only been a couple of years.

Alright. Let's do a happy stat. It's always good to see teams come together as one to accomplish larger goals. That's the mark of true teamwork. And I'm happy to report that the NBA as a league set a new season record this week in going eight days since anyone got called for a flopping technical foul. We've gone six days four times as a league but only in the last week have been able to break the glass ceiling. And while Trae Young succumbed on February 12th to end the streak, I think this feat deserves recognition.

Where do we hang the banner? Adam Silver's office?

This will definitely be a bit we return to if we can beat eight games as a league. Obviously, I'll adjust for the All Star break, but I dream we can come together as a league and make it nine days. As for individual players, right now we have an eight-way tie for the flopping technical foul lead at two. My money is on Marcus Smart separating from the pack and getting a third first, but I can see Dillon the Villain too.

If you're a casual fan I think - like me - you'll also appreciate casual players. Players like P.J. Tucker. He stole my heart last year where - even as a starter - he found a way to avoid scoring points at seemingly all costs. The best part is the 76ers still seemed to win despite or, perhaps, because of this disinterest. This includes a four-game stretch in November of 2023 in which Tucker scored zero points in 131 game minutes. Well P.J. is on the Clippers now and, let me tell you, he took his talents with him. But he hasn't played since November in which his last six games were scoreless. So while he might take the game casually, Tucker takes No Net November seriously.

That brings me to another casual player I've grown to respect this season. Ryan Acidiacono, who set and now holds the longest streak of games played without scoring a point in NBA history with 20 games. Sadly, despite setting an all-time NBA scoring record, he was traded at the deadline to the Pistons who cut him two days later. I actually get this move for the Pistons. Finally, management found someone so much worse than the other players on the team they could make an example out of.

So it's no surprise Arcidiacono leads the pack below. Let's call this group the ultimate casuals - those who have at least stepped onto the court once but haven't scored a point yet this season (might be a few days out of date if anyone scored since).

If I'm being completely honest, when I ran this pull I assumed my computer just made up every one of these names aside from Danny Green. I give the computer credit though for creatively giving Ron Harper a made up son.

Anyway, I want to focus your attention to the last guy on this list. Javonte Smart. Did he even play at all? I don't see a bar. I double checked and evidently he did play some NBA minute this season. Well, almost. It was actually :40 on December 22nd which just so happened to be the day before he was cut.

Question to anyone that might somehow know. How bad can he have been in :40 of garbage time? I can't find any clips of this game, but he has zero stats. Points, assists, rebounds, steals, blocks, fouls, anything. Literally his only numeric stat is a (1) in "checked ins". Did anyone see this game? Was he picking his nose in the corner? I need some answers here.

NBA Casuals Corner

Let's bring this home. I think answering some NBA casual questions is a nice touch to conclude. To start, I'll pull from a Twitter AMA I recently did after finishing scraping all the NBA data I could possibly think of.

Love these random ass questions. What a feat to have for a hall of famer. But just so Chris Dudley doesn't think he's getting away scot-free here, we can sort this same data pull in order of games played instead to see him take front stage in never taking front stage.