Will Someone Please Explain This Magical Dana White Blackjack Table Where You Only Win Money?
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Somewhere in Las Vegas—a world away from the strip, buried deep within the bowels of that sinful city; somewhere past the lurking, lurching, somnambulistic horde of tunnel-dwellers that Donnie and Vibbs once met—there exists an aberration to the laws of nature. A loophole in the most basic of economic principles. Something so unholy, so impossible, that many wonder if it isn't some trick of the mind or fancy video editing.
A blackjack table where you can't lose.
Not only do you not lose, you get to win… as much as you want! Like some Great Wall of China Buffet but instead of going up for your fourth plate of egg foo young, you grab those MSG-drenched tongs and serve yourself cold, crisp, United States currency. Name your prize, name your size. Make up a number! Fourteen-thousand-seventeen-million-hundred-seventy-fourteen? You might need a quilt that features some kindergarten numeric teaching tool, but we'll make it happen little buddy. Just ask Papa Dana to plug the number into his sorcerer's cookbook and in short order, you'll be walking home with plus-sized stacks.
"How much do you want to win?"
…
Eye-opening. All these years of playing blackjack, I've been asking myself the wrong question: how much can I stomach to lose? I'd withdraw my money and then hand my debit card to whichever friend held the strongest religious beliefs and force them to pledge upon their God that they would not let me have the card back until we were miles and miles from the casino. What a cynical, sucker bitch I've been.
The Bussin' Boys are there all the time, which is pretty cool. Props to them. I met Dana White once and told him I knew Robbie Fox. He said "oh I love Robbie Fox," and then we didn't speak for the rest of the Celtics game even though we were sharing a cupholder.
Here's Dave winning $90,000, which was apparently his destiny/finish line for the evening, and (impressively) walking away:
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And a montage of everyone winning their rent for at least a few months:
What in the absolute fuck is this sorcery? I'd worry about drawing too much attention to it because I'm almost fearful of blowing up whatever good thing they've got going out there. But given that these table sessions receive enough social media promotion to divert attention from Drake's penis, I'm confident they don't mind letting the word spread.
I've tried to understand how this works by piecing together various commentary from Dave, Taylor Lewan, Big Cat, and others who were lucky enough to saddle up at this one-way ATM masquerading as a traditional casino game. The best I can understand is that Dana has a gigantic credit line at the table and will stake anyone such that if they lose a hand, they double the next hand to win their money back. And so on until they reach some pre-determined retirement plan.
This all sounds… foolproof. Right? Turns out, there's actually a mathematical concept that speaks directly to this idea:
The paradox arises from the fact if you can theoretically lose… infinite money, and thus would need unlimited money in order to maintain your chance of winning back what you've lost, no reasonable person would enter such a game. Or have the funds to enter such a game. On the other side, most casinos have table limits to prevent people from doing exactly this.
But Dana White isn't most people. And perhaps this casino has decided that whatever promotion they gain from videos of him, and the Nelk Boys, and Dave and all our stars winning tens of thousands of dollars at their table is worth the cost of their winnings.
I guess everybody wins. Except the losers like me who keep losing.