JOB OPENING: I Am In Need Of A Defamation Lawyer, Serious Applicants Only

Listen, and let me be very clear: I’m not saying there needs to be Rules of Engagement in a Blog War. Once you enter the mud, you cannot worry about getting a little dirty. I firmly believe that what one man, OR WOMAN, chooses to post on the internet is their own prerogative, and if it were up to me, the blog would be like the German autobahn: no limits. However, despite me thinking that there should be no rules that govern the blog, our Founding Fathers did think there should be rules that govern this country, and those rules are called LAWS.

For example, if you cross the street outside of the designated area marked by painted white lines, that is called Jaywalking. Jaywalking is against the law, and the punishment typically includes a monetary fine of around $200. The hefty reparation hinders the criminals' willingness to repeat such a heinous act for a second time, if not completely deterring them from committing the misdeed in the first place.

Another example of an illegal act in this country is knowingly presenting a false statement about a person as a fact, which in turn injures that person’s reputation. That is called Defamation.

In the United States (which includes New York City), Defamation is not considered a crime, rather it is called a “tort”, which is a short but fancy word to describe a civil wrongdoing. Long story short, the police will not come get you for defaming someone, but the courts certainly can and will come for your glitter. So while Jaywalking and its corresponding punishment seems pretty black and white, Defamation and the wide array of amends associated with it may be a little more confusing. Let me explain with a couple examples:

Example A of Defamation: A newspaper falsely published that an actor acted inappropriately toward an actress, and the court decided that a fair payment for the one article was a payment of $2.9 million. 

Example B of Defamation: The Editor-in-Chief of one of the most popular sports media websites on the planet writes a headline that he knows is obviously false and admits to doing so to “rattle” the person in the headline.

Sheeeeeesh. I knew that there was a chance Nate was going to hang himself when I wrote about putting the company Dawg down, but I figured if he did that, he wouldn’t live to tell the tale! You can officially update the count of people who wish Nate had equity in this $500,000,000 company to…..2.

Now, I know what you may be thinking, because I was thinking it myself: Nate didn’t publish this blog to the millions of readers of this website, so while this is perhaps the lowest move in the history of mankind since Cain murdered his brother Abel, I figured it would just make him criminally guilty in the Court of Public Opinion, not in the Civil Court of Claims in New York City, as well. For what it’s worth, I called his bluff and never said anything despite being fully aware of it for a week now. Turns out he’s bad at poker, too!

Advertisement

Anyways, unfortunately for him, my girlfriend that Kelly Keegs weirdly mentioned on the blog is a lawyer (and both of her parents are, too), and in conjunction with my newly formed army of attorneys in my DMs, they have all informed me that not only did he “publish” it on the backend of the website, which at least 150 people have access to see / screenshot / spread, they are also pointing out that he admitted to the crime on The Unnamed Show yesterday when he admits to knowing it’s not real, that he was trying to scare me, just wanted to call me a pedophile so I would feel “rattled” because I work with underage students for my career.

People are saying that this Defamation court case would take about 15 minutes, and that’s only if the Judge is running 14 minutes late! I know that my start date at Barstool is March 11th, but apparently I could own the company by next Friday? I’m sitting here wondering how to reach out to Dave and ask for a couple hundred bucks for relocation expenses, but I’m hearing I could be asking a Judge to order Nate to pay for my housing the rest of my life?

Let me be very clear: I am not suing Barstool or Dave (I’m so fucking excited to work here!!). I’m just trying to make sure that Nate’s vial of glitter has a permanent hole drilled into the bottom of it, so whenever he gets a glimmer, it immediately falls right through the cracks into my widespread hands. 

I’ve also got lawyers up my ass (figuratively, sorry Pat) telling me I can sue Kelly Keegs for threatening to assault me if I set foot in New York? Something about a hostile work environment, I don’t know. Anyways, I have emphatically told them all no because one, that’d be a huge bitch move to throw the first punch and then cry foul. But two, Dave offered me nearly double her salary, so what am I going to sue her for, twenty bucks?

No, I don’t want to sue anyone other than the man who couldn’t find evidence to attack my work ethic or talent, so he tried to dig up dirt on my past, and when he couldn’t find any marks on my impeccable career as a citizen of this great country, he resorted to…..putting my full name, school of employment, and calling me a pedophile. 

But let me say this: I am willing to settle out of court. No, I do not want Nate fired, and no, I do not want to be named Editor-in-Chief (yet) despite me having a level head on my shoulders, impeccable writing skills, and 9-years experience of reviewing shitty writing. No, all I’m asking for is the ability to press publish on my own blogs when it comes to writing about sports. I want to be able to be sitting on my couch watching a sporting event, seeing something notable happen, and writing a humorous blog about it that doesn’t have to wait until someone else gets around to doing their job.

I also want to be able to see that the quarterback of my team won NFL Comeback Player of the Year Award and publish my thoughts on it before our Washington Commanders blogger steps in and steal it under my nose despite me starting the narrative 3 months ago.

Advertisement

Point being, if The Defamation Dawg will relinquish me the almighty power to bypass his very sound judgment of what is funny enough and appropriate enough to go up on the website, I will not mention this ever open and shut case again. In fact, I am willing to call off the fight in trade for (1) free pass to publish my own sports blogs (or if that's an issue with advertisers, at least get rid of that damn hit your exact blog quota or don't get paid mandate that Gaz put on me so I can make sure that, while I'm still working hard, it will be focused on Quality > Quantity). Or is that blackmail? Is that against the law? Let me ask the 20+ lawyers that slid into my DMs in the last 24 hours trying to get me to sue Nate.