Here's What The Barstool Chicago Office Accomplished Under My Administration

Free Lunch Continued:

They tried to take our free lunch away, they really did. I couldn't believe it. Why would they want to take the food out of the stomachs of the people who make this company run? Not under my watch! No, no, no. You know what I told them? Put it on my card. Lunch will always be on me while I'm in charge.

New Jobs & Wage Increase:

Liam? Where's Liam? There he is:

Why don't you guys ask my Gambling Cave lieutenant how life has been under my administration? Liam, how's that 25% raise feel? Oh no, no, don't thank me, Liam; you deserved it. You are the cave, the cave is you. Keep up the great work, Lieutenant!

Aside from giving Liam a promotion, 5 employees got a 25% raise on their annual salary, followed by another 4 employees getting a 10% raise on their annual salary. Not only am I creating new jobs, but I am also helping the men and women of this country create generational wealth!

Also, let's not forget, if not for me, we would have let PFT walk! What a shame!! PFT WE LOVE YOU and as long as I'm in charge you will always be here!

All-Time Gambling Highs:

You know sleepy Cat could never pull this off. FOUR AND ONE. FOUR AND ONE. That's the record of the office parlays under my administration. Not only did we keep bringing lunch, create new jobs, and give raises, but we also hit the office parlay at an 80% success rate (responsibly, of course; no bet is ever guaranteed, nor are we advisors). Name another administration that can do that!

Camaraderie:

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You don't have an office if you don't have camaraderie. You can't win a championship if you're not willing to lay it on the line for the person sitting next to you. Why would you lay your life on the line for someone that you have no relationship with? You wouldn't. That's why my administration mandated a once-a-week hangout night. Last night, we went to the Bulls game, and of course, I bought the suite for everyone to stuff their faces and drink as much as they want. I don't care about my bank account; I care about the camaraderie. The 12 people who went to the game will never look at each other as just co-workers again; they will look at each other like family.