Breaking Down Which NFL Player In Vegas For The Super Bowl Was Reportedly Attacked By A Coyote On Sunday Night

First of all, I have no clue if this source is legit. But the @LasVegasLocally Twitter account has given us some accurate news about Vegas in the past, so I am going to blindly believe it. Besides, it has been a while since we had a crazy story involving a player before the Super Bowl that impacted his availability like Eugene Robinson getting busted with a prostitute in Miami, Stanley Wilson getting busted with cocaine in...Miami. I'm starting to understand why the Chiefs and Niners kept their team far away from the strip this week, even if it came with an increased chance of coyote attacks.

Now I'm not sure if the player in this report is in town to play in the Super Bowl or to pitch some shitty product on 1000 different shows on Radio Row. But for this exercise, we'll just stick with the players playing in the Big Game (fuck you Goodell for making that phrase continue to live during Super Bowl week).

The Obvious Suspect: Travis Kelce

I mean this wouldn't even be a mystery if these Chiefs were playing any other year because there are three things I know about Travis Kelce without actually knowing them:

1. Travis is a lake guy.

2. Travis is a night guy.

3. Travis is an animal lover. Okay, I knew that was the case from this old tweet.

Put them together and you get a superstar tight end being attacked by a coyote the week of the Super Bowl.

However, since Kelce is currently dating the biggest superstar on the planet, something tells me his NFL team and marketing/PR isn't letting him out of their sights until the clock strikes 0:00 on Sunday night. So the obvious suspect is actually not one for this year and this year only (if Travis and Taylor Swift are still dating when the Chiefs inevitably make it back to the Super Bowl next year, I think it's fair to say that the real Travis will be out in full force instead of newly dating Travis).

If we are including non-Super Bowl players, I could definitely see Jason Kelce taking on a coyote after hanging out with Travis in whatever remote location the Chiefs are staying at in order to keep the sin from Sin City from penetrating their teams since he has been on one, as the kids say.

The Other Obvious Suspect: George Kittle

I don't want to get accused on Tight End bias here, but nobody would bat an eyelash if they read that Kittle or Kelce got into a fight with a coyote. Not only that, but I could see Kittle befriending the coyote and keeping it as a pet since he's seems to be just that kind of dude.

Kittle is also a diehard wrestling fan as you can see in the clip below, so maybe he just wanted to try out some moves and didn't want to do them to any of his teammates before the biggest games of their lives.

The Guy Who Calls Himself Yung Joka Suspect:

Honestly, fighting a coyote probably wouldn't register in the Top 5 things Kadarius Toney may do this week. I don't know if that puts him higher or lower on my list. But that gif is worth a million words. We'll know if Kadarius fought the coyote if he writes a diss track written about it or goes on an unhinged 5 minute Instagram rant in the dark about the coyote.

The No Chancers: Patrick Mahomes and Christian McCaffrey

These guys aren't going to be in any situation where they can be attacked by an animal, a human, or whatever aliens may be bopping around the desert. Their franchises entire fates rest on their shoulders and legs, so I would guess they each have an offensive line worth of security guards that make their offensive linemen look like little children not to mention they are two of the toughest guys to bring down in a sport full of superhumans. A tiger or puma may be able to attack these two. But not some mangy ass coyote.

The Longshot: Trent Williams

You can tell me that Trent Williams wrestles coyotes in the offseason to work on his quickness and I'd believe you. The only thing is this report said a player was attacked by a coyote, not the other way around. That's why I know it wasn't Trent Williams because you don't attack Trent Williams. He attacks you.

The Darkhorse: Jake Moody

Ethan Miller. Getty Images.

I feel like Kyle Shanahan knows he's in a bind since so many Super Bowls have been decided by kickers and his has a nasty case of the shanks. However, it's not easy to just cut a guy and pick up a replacement the week of the Big Game. So maybe Kyle put the coyote in his room and figured if nature took out Moody, it was the Football Gods' way of saying to bring back Robbie Gould.

The Correct Answer:

Oh shit, it was right in front of our faces the entire time. Case closed.