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Day 1 of Running The Chicago Office

Sorry, it took so long, Nate. I was busy running the company while the boys are in Vegas, popping bottles and losing money. Being the boss is a fucking grind. Everyone's always bitching about something; it's ridiculous. Today was supposed to be the end of free lunch January, but I said fuck that. If you're going to work for me, you're going to have a full stomach. But I guess I didn't order enough food, and everyone started to say, 'This is worse than the Great Depression.' As the boss, I'll take the blame, but maybe, if everyone showed up before 11 AM, I would have gotten a better headcount and ordered accordingly. I know I get labeled as this 'massive douchebag,' but I genuinely do care about the people around me, and the thought of them walking around on an empty stomach didn't sit right with me, so I ordered everyone who didn't get Chic Fil A a pizza.

After feeding the kids, I decided it's time to start changing people's lives. All four employees who showed up before 10 AM got a 25% raise. If people wanna fuck off because Cat ain't in the office, that's on them, but the ones who show up and put the time in deserve to be rewarded, and they were. Aside from the raises, I promoted Liam to 'gambling cave lieutenant,' and guess what? We swept the board. So not only did I increase people's salary, but I put people in a position of power to do what they do best, which inevitably benefited everyone in the office.

My biggest takeaway from working with Big Cat is how he treats everyone around him. Even though he's a multi-millionaire and could swipe my credit card debt without even knowing the money was gone, he never looks down on anyone (unless you're me, Minzty, or Jerry, but that shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone). Anyway, if Big Cat doesn't look down on people, neither should I. Which is why I brought my assistant Paige coffee. If the people under you aren't supporting you, then you're just a man standing on water, and unless you're Jesus Christ himself, you don't stand a chance.

Although I've learned a lot from Big Cat, nothing compares to what Dave taught me; let your employees chirp you. Any boss in America would have fired me on sight if they got bullied the way I bullied Dave on stream when the Dolphins crop dusted the Patriots, but he didn't. Instead, he embraced it and let me have my moment. Which is what I let Rudy do here. Yes, he tried my life, but at the end of the day, he needed the engagement, so instead of firing him and forcing him to take the tweet down, I let him have his moment.

It's safe to say that I did a fine job running this office, and to be honest, the vibe has never been higher. Everyone's fat and happy, and locked in on work. If Big Cat wants to stay an extra week in Vegas, be my guest. Today might be my first and last day ever as CEO, and all I ask is, when you lay your head on your pillow at night, just know I gave you everything I had.