Ranking Shane Gillis' Closest Friends At Barstool

Mike Coppola. Getty Images.

Shane Gillis—or "Shane" as his close friends like me know him—has been tapped to host Saturday Night Live in a few weeks. Castellani wrote a blog about it on Saturday, but I'll add a personal touch. Because Shane and I are close personal friends. In fact, I'm a little tired of seeing how chummy various people at this place think they are with Shane. Now that he's firmly established as America's favorite comedian, a whole lot of people have been flaunting their proximity to him. 

But where were they when my friend Shane was at his lowest? I didn't hear you singing his praises in the wake of that SNL bullshit, when the rest of the internet was brandishing their virtue flags against him. You probably thought he was too toxic to touch. I didn't. Through thick and thin, I spoke up for him long before it was cool to do so. And from there, we'd go to hockey games and eat breakfasts in Texas (both of those things happened, one time each). We were cancel companions, if you will. And we trusted that in time, our talent would carry us past the righteous mob and on to the promised land. 

Well Shane, I think it's safe to say we made it:

We're back. I love you. 

Unlike these phony friends who can't wait to post "#STOPASIANHATE" next time you're down. Just a bunch of fair-weather progressives who waited until you partnered with BudLib and were endorsed by the New Yorker to drop your name. Oh, the smoke has cleared? He's no longer radioactive? Long live the King! 

The Bussin' Boys are like one of those factory whiteboards that counts the days since their last accident, except it's the number of minutes since their last post about Shane. I can't remember a two-day period where they didn't post something about him. He's like their sobriety chip. Yesterday:

Also yesterday:

Not too long ago, Shane told our friend Gabe Davis that he should mimic this kid's dance for a touchdown celebration. Gabe did, and then Will Compton started doing it:

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Hey boys, bad news: I talked to Shane and we both agree you aren't as close friends with him as he is with me. You're tight, no doubt. But I think I speak for both of us in saying Shane would feel better about your friendship if you posted less. When you're friends with a superstar, you have to find that perfect balance between honoring their stardom and treating them normal. Some people know this as "Day Ones" behavior. You guys are Day Fours. 

I've got dozens, maybe hundreds of pictures of me with Shane. Candids mostly, many where he's having trouble locating the camera. Do I want to post them to show I'm his CPF? More than anything in the world. But I hold back, as much as it fucking pains me, because if I start splatter-cumming friendship pics, Shane will think… whoa. Frank isn't as cool as I thought. 

Shane calls me Frank. He's the only one. 

Beyond the Bussin' guys, you've got KFC and Feits, Big Cat, Rone, Sas, Caleb, and all the biggest tunas. You can't throw a goddamn rock around this place without hitting some shrine to Shane:

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You can see how this collective bandwagoning would infuriate those of us who exchanged phone numbers with him more than five years ago. Will and Taylor don't like that Riggs is gatekeeping golf at Barstool? Well, you're gonna hate me because I'm now gatekeeping Shane. You wanna book him on your podcast, you talk to me from now on. I'll put in a good word but he's become extremely busy. Trust me. Guy hasn't even responded to my last three texts; what chance do you creampies have? 

Now, Rone is probably the only person I'd be concerned as being close to me on Shane's friendship hierarchy. He's cool around the clock, plus they've got that Philly connection. And the Battle Rap thing gives him a lot of street cred. Sas has opened for Shane and appearanced on MSSP. 

But I still think Shane's giving me the slight edge. Heck, might as well knock out a list:

Shane Gillis' Closest Friends Who Work For Barstool Sports

7) Caleb

6) Big Cat

5) Will Compton/Taylor Lewan

4) KFC/Feits

3) Sas

2) Rone 

1) Francis 

Don't believe me? 

I rest my case.