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Nipples, Presidential Assassinations, and Fast Food For All: This Week In History

This week started off with some spicy current history news as an explorer whose been scanning the bottom of the Pacific Ocean with sonar for the last 3 months believes he's discovered the remnants of Amelia Earhart's missing plane. 87 years ago Earhart and her navigator went missing somewhere between Australia and Hawaii while trying to circumnavigate the globe. No one knows exactly what happened to the famous aviator, but experts are hoping the wreckage will give us some clues. Right now the only thing holding researchers back from checking the potential wreckage is the site is 16,000 ft below sea level. For reference, the Titanic is 12,500 ft below the surface. If only the OceanGate guy didn't get crushed like a soda can in his submersible, or we would have had results by now. 

The first writer in America to become a true household name was Edgar Allan Poe in 1845 when he wrote "The Raven." They say don't judge a book by it's cover, but the titles and covers to Poe's works are the best part. I want to like his stuff, but damn do I feel like an idiot reading literary works from before World War 2. The way they wrote/spoke makes getting into the story difficult - I'd rather read a phone book.

Something that had to help Edgar Allan Poe become succesful is he looked like a total freak. If the author looks like he could be a functioning member of society, then I don't want to read the book. I want a George R.R. Martin looking mother fucker hunched over a typewriter to be writing the book I'm reading because I know that author has had to dream up and imagine all the excitement in their life.

Being the President of the United States would suuuuuck. The second you get elected, half the country already hates you. People hate you so much, you can't do the simple things you once enjoyed. Never again can you cruise around with your wife and enjoy a sunny day with the top down. There have been assassination attempts on 18 of the 46 US presidents. Four presidents have been assassinated while in office and two injured. Everyone remembers George W. Bush having shoes thrown at him while visiting Iraq in 2008, but in while visiting Georgia (the country) in 2005 someone lobbed a hand grenade at W. Luckily, the grenade didn't go off because it was wrapped in a handkerchief that kept striker lever from releasing. To me the craziest assassination attempt is a guy from Minnesota who hid in a warehouse over night, hijacked a forklift, and tried to flip Trump's presidential limo. Interesting weapon of choice. 

The first fast food restaurant to open up in the Soviet Union was McDonald's in 1990. The Soviet Union had no idea how to handle a little capitalism being introduced to communist run country, so when the golden arches opened the doors to their Moscow location, Muscovians (people from Moscow) lost their minds. They were so intrigued the American food staple so much, they were willing to wait in line 6 hours for a burger and fries. The one thing the Soviet's didn't know how to handle were the polite manners and smiles from McyDees employees. Soviet Russia had local Cantinas where they could get food, but those were a complete 180 from the clean, efficient, and friendly American fast food chain. The smiles were so foreign to the customers, employees were actually told to smile less. 

Someone tried to tell me in the comments this was cold war propaganda, but for people who lived under the rule of the Soviet Union their entire lives had to feel like they were witnessing a Get Out scenario after seeing friendly employees for the first time. 

Before Mintzy was blurting out … stuff … on live streams, the real threat to America's safety was Janet Jackson hangin' tiddy on national television for the world to see during Super Bowl 38. If you would have told pre-teen Vibbsy that he would get to hang out with his friends, watch football, eat a billion pigs in a blanket, AND see a tit. I would have assumed I'd be ascending to heaven. 

Also BIG PAUSE for me looking, but kind of crazy Kid Rock didn't get any shit for having his hog pressed against his leg so tight you can see the outline of his cock & balls. But, I guess when you're draped in the American flag with pyrotechnics going off around you, hanging dong is the most patriotic thing you can do. 

Groundhog Day is much a much weirder holiday than I ever anticipated. Yes, a holiday where we forecast the weather based off a a rodent seeing it's shadow gets weirder. The movie Groundhog Day is a classic, but my favorite Bill Murray roles are where he plays a scumbag bad guy. Murray does a great job of this in Scrooged, but Murray's role in the Farrelly brother's Kingpin is an all-time portrayal of a scumbag villain. If you need something to watch this weekend - make it Kingpin.

Check out the most recent episode of Twisted History where we cover literally the most depressing topic we could pick …  depression.