Before I Retire From Going On Benders, I Am Asking Three Of My Co-Workers To Fulfill My Dying Wish
Since I moved to Chicago, I've done nothing but try to be good at my job and go on benders. Last weekend was no different from the other 15, but this time when I went to transfer money out of my savings to buy drinks for any girl that's an 8 or higher, I noticed a new notification on my banking app. They call it "snapshot."
If you enjoy your life and have peace of mind, my advice would be to never open it. I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life; I've totaled a BMW with no insurance, I've made my recreational habits public, and I paid for a "private dance" when I knew I wouldn't be able to get it up. But out of all those things, NOTHING compares to clicking on Snapshot.
When you first open it, you feel like the man; it says, "this is how much money you brought in this month," then you scroll down and your life flashes before your eyes. That "money out" made my asshole tighten worse than my walk home from some bad Mexican. I realized I can't keep living like this.
So I decided to make a decision that'll remove happiness from my life. As of today, I am officially retiring from benders.
However, one simply can not retire without a proper send off. I'm putting out the bat signal one last time, and these are the 3 co-workers who I want to answer the call.
Feits
If the stogie-smoking bandit himself doesn't answer my call, I will be very disappointed. I can count the number of interactions I've had with Feits on one hand, but those three times were all I needed. I know this motherfucker gets after it, and it's important to have an older dude in the bender crew. By no means is Feits old, but he is experienced, and experience is the key to a successful bender.
After the PED's wear off, Feits will start to feel his age and stumble back to the hotel room at a reasonable bender time. While the Feits The Great sleeps, the young pups will continue their hunt for women. After the young pups strike out, they will walk back telling stories about how they had this girl "in the bag" but her friend killed the vibe, and that's when the pups will realize that it's 6 AM. Two hours after the pups put their heads on the pillow, Feits The Great will wake up and fulfill his duty as the experienced leader, getting breakfast and water for the crew. Without it, surely, the pups will die.
Tommy Smokes
Don't let his rap songs fool you, Tommy is not bout that life, which is exactly why he must come on this bender. Every bender crew needs a rookie. There is nothing better than seeing the rookies face after he tries something for the first time. Get your head out of the gutter this could be anything. Nothing would make me happier than seeing Tommy's face light up like a Christmas tree when he walks into the second floor of tootsies. After this bender, the cat of Dave Portnoy will be no more, and Tommy Smokes will be recognized as one of the greatest to ever do it.
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Dana Beers
The guys last name is fucking Beers. Need I say more? I've already partied with Dana once, and I still think about it to this day. He's a guys guy. There's nothing worse than the cheap fuck who venmo request you after buying a beer. Dana is the opposite, he's the type of cat who will just bring you a beer without you even asking. That's what the bender is all about. It's just you and your boys versus the world. One of us are going to have to carry the PED's around (me), one of us going to keep the drinks flowing (Dana), one of us is going to make sure breakfast and waters are ready in the morning (Feits), and one of us is going to keep our innocence (Tommy).
Now, the only question is, will these three answer the Bat Signal?