And For My Final Act: It's Time To Put Down The Dawg
Well folks, I am sitting here at my desk, getting ready for another thrilling day of teaching verbs and adjectives to twelve year olds, enjoying my morning coffee, and I damn near just had a heart attack. Am I seeing that calendar correctly? Is it already…..January 31st? The last day of the month? And I’m only at (gulp) 34 blogs….
Oh my goodness, what should I do? The triumvirate of editors told me that I was mandated to write 35 blogs per month to receive my biweekly (the every two weeks kind) stipend of $500, despite the three of them having not reached that 35 mark in either of the last two months. But those are the rules I am forced to play by, so those are the rules I will follow. 35 blogs per month or no paycheck. Thank God the full-time employees don’t have to abide by that. How would they eat?
So what should I blog for #35, what should I blog for #35, what should I blog for #35……
Yes, Nate, it’s finally time to put the dawg down. I don’t know if this will be posted, and I don’t know when this will be posted, but if it makes it through the fraudulent blog review process that I have had to deal with these last few days, I look forward to rejoicing with the great readers of this website in you finally being called out onto the carpet that you undoubtedly will piss on in cowardice, you little mutt. Here we go, Nate Dawg….
Let me first begin by addressing the single most frustrating tweet I’ve seen in my twenty years on the internet, not because I disagree with it, but because you honestly believe it only applies to me:
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. I’ll be the first to admit that I am as replaceable as the toilet paper roll after taking a morning shit, but what makes you think that you’re more deserving of your six-figure salary than me of my three figures every other Friday? I mean, I proofread 12-year-olds’ essays, you proofread Marty Mush blogs. We’re not so different, you and I. But where we are not alike is that you think this company would miss one beat if you weren’t working here. And here’s the thing I’m willing to admit: it would be different without you, Nate. It would be BETTER. Because if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: people would die to work for Barstool Sports. And one key flaw we have here is that for a blog to be published (by only some people, including me but not the heavy hitters I was here before like Big Tennessee), it must be approved and scheduled by one of three editors. The only problem is that they work when it’s convenient for them. And that’s honestly not to knock them, I know Hubbs and Clem have social lives, but it’s just a bad plan should something happen when they’re all busy or asleep.
I mean, I literally stepped outside of a basketball game last weekend to blog from my phone about Caleb Downs, the #1 recruit in the country, leaving Alabama to sign with Ohio State. This happened at 8:00 pm, and I was all over it. I thought I had to be. I didn’t want anyone to be able to say, hey Part-Time Tate, do you not realize how lucky you are to work for this company? Do you not work on Fridays? Blog the news, you lazy bum! But apparently The Big 3 were all out and about more than Joey and Pat, and it didn’t get posted until Saturday, more than 12 hours after every other media site on the internet had already covered it. Sad! Their laziness makes me look lazy!
All I’m saying is that Barstool should pay these guys for their content, not their on-and-off availability. Even yesterday, the editors told me they did not withhold my blog, they were all just in a meeting. Unacceptable answer. Hire 3 English major graduates (they’ll be looking for jobs) to work around the clock and man the blog. 7:00 - 3:00, 3:00 - 11:00, and 11:00 - 7:00. And then Nate can get back to doing what he tells everyone he’s best at: writing. Boom, blog fixed.
Anyways, for Nate to say that I should be thankful for every dollar I have been paid (which over 6 years is less than half he makes in one year), I take offense to that. I do my job better than he does his job at a fraction of the expense to the company.
And here’s the thing: if Dave decides he wants the blog to die back down and send it into the same graveyard it became over the last 5 years, he can get rid of me at anytime he wants and my life will not change. I will wake up again tomorrow and do the exact same thing I’ve done the last 10 years of my life. I’ll teach in the classroom, I’ll coach on the basketball court, and I’ll lay my head down at night knowing I’m doing exactly what I want to do with my life. But you, Nate? If Dave got rid of you, your entire life would cease to exist as you know it, maybe more.
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Ohio’s Tate getting recognized in public post-Barstool employment: Hey Coach I’ll be reffing your game tonight, wait, are you Barstool Tate? Oh my god I can’t believe it, this is so cool! Did you ever met Big Cat?
Nate getting recognized in public post-Barstool employment: Hey I’ll take a large popcorn with, wait, are you Barstool Nate? Ehh, yikes. With extra butter, please.
Don’t fuck with someone that has nothing to lose, Nate. We could’ve done great things together, you and I. But you chose to chirp me for no reason in front of thousands on your first ever show, and then you withheld my blog to at best protect Keegs and at worst steal my thunder and get to be the first to discuss her not working on Fridays. And now you’re saying I’m lying….
I’m lying…..? You are lying and I can prove it. You keep saying you didn’t withhold my blog, but the clear and obvious facts say otherwise. I only need one sentence to prove you wrong, and it is as follows: If you didn’t withhold my blog, how did you mention it on Nate Friday that it came across your desk in the morning but then it wasn’t posted until 3:00 pm on Friday afternoon?
Picture Marty Mush in a Spelling Bee:
(Mush) “Withholding, can I get a definition?”
(Judge) “To hold back from action”
(Mush) “Can I get an example?
(Judge) "To see at 9 am and not post until 3 pm on a Friday”
(Mush) “Okay, withholding: w-i-t-h-w–h-o-l-e-d-i-n-g. Withwholeding”
BUZZ!
3 pm on a Friday should solely be reserved for Picks Central, not the #1 performing blog on the website. Not to mention that not one but two of the most clicked on company-wide blogs of the year have gotten zero traction on any social media accounts, unlike when the Commanders training camp attendance gets announced! Interesting. I know Kelly doesn’t want to wear makeup on a Friday, but this seems like a coverup she was very interested in. Something fishy went on in that office that day, from the timing of the blog posting to the added and altered information after she originally accused me of making $60,000 a year. I’m fighting the entire New York Office by myself right now, and I’m coming out looking like the 1991 NBA Playoffs first round series result / what is happening with the Barstool Offices Split.
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Anyways, you also said I’m only attacking coworkers to get my contract renewed. Another lie, as I do not and never have had a contract. I have to prove my worth every single month, because at any moment, Dave can decide that he doesn’t want to pay me annually the equivalent of what the Barstool Spelling Bee winner gets or a behind the scenes worker deservedly earns for their Black Friday bonus (never gotten one). You, on the other hand, have the ability to pick and choose when to post blogs that make you look bad turn it on for your upcoming renewal, bonus, etc.
And please for the love of God quit taking credit for the new Dave/Kirk/Whitney show. Everyone except Marty with a brain knows that Barstool Radio & Kelly Keegs are both still alive and well if the only thing that happened last week was the overhyped, underdelivered “Nate Friday”. You have main character syndrome, and it makes you the worst type of employee:
The fact of the matter is that one episode of Tate After School would do better numbers than Nate At Night, and you know it. I have more talent and creativity in one pinky than you have in your entire body. Don’t make me add in the Venn Diagram with one circle being The First Nine Employees of Barstool and the other circle being Received Equity In The $600,000,000 Company. It must be tough to be an Editor-In-Chief that everyone makes fun of, but at least you could be an Editor-In-Chief that everyone makes fun of while you sit at home with a million dollars…
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I will give Nate one compliment here: he is a 100x better editor than that mean, unorganized siamese cat boss I once had to answer to (great mixologist though). Why can’t we all just be nice to each other?
Either way, you are a textbook example of the “they’re not laughing with you, they’re laughing at you” saying. We did an argumentative essay in class the other day on whether or not Capital Punishment should be legal, and I shit you not, one kid wrote that many lives could be saved and rehabilitated if we just changed the Death Penalty to forcing murderers to listen to one full episode of Cracking Aces. Twelve minutes in and they'll never as much as jaywalk the rest of their lives.
Anyways, that’s my 35th blog of the month. What a January it was. Now it’s time to enjoy the fruits of my labor….