Ohio's Tate Here.....I Have An Idea
So if there's one thing that I've learned over the past few days, it's that everyone loves a good blog war. I mean, for Employees #96 and #97 on the Irreplaceability Rankings of the ninety-eight content workers listed on the Barstool website (sorry, #99) to cause enough commotion that the New York Post covered it, I don't see why people don't get in the mud a little more often. I mean, it sure beats trying to make a living off saying you're a good writer and posting 10 word blogs to in turn tell people that you work hard. But then again, without the essential workers of this company, how would the people know about who the Commanders should hire to be their Defensive Coordinator in a concise two paragraph format? Either way, I think it's safe to say that the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand setting off World War 1 was the most impactful history-altering domino to ever fall, but the Assassination of Kelly Keegs leading to Dave Portnoy, Kirk Minihane, and Ryan Whitney agreeing to do Barstool Radio 42 weeks of the year has to be the second most world-changing event. And it will probably end the same way, too…
Anyways, this morning on the drive into my full-time job, I got to thinking: if one small blog battle between two peons can generate this much content, think of what a blog war between the heaviest hitters of the company could do. Picture this: a 64-blogger tournament style bracket that mimics March Madness. You could do it on the off-days of the tournament, Mondays thru Wednesdays when basketball is played Thursdays - Sundays (99% of the guys on the streams are on their phones anyways), or we could do it in the Dog Days of August when there is nothing else to write about.
The field would be set by the top 64 bloggers of the year QUANTITY wise. You want in the tournament? You need to earn it. For example, KB would be a clear #1 seed if Joe Lunardi was making the Barstool Madness Bracket based on best teams and not resume, but did you know he hasn't written an actual blog since 2021…..? For those of you without a calendar handy, it's now 2024. Additionally, I don't think posting your podcast / show / video should count, but for some reason our editors that publish the blog counts do. And that's nothing against KB, I think he's funny as fuck, but the fact of the matter is that the best writers in this company do not write anymore. That's why I look so good. I'm like a hard 6 surrounded by a bunch of soft 4s, and you're all drunk at the bar looking to take someone home. In reality, I'm really just a Seth Curry on the blog, but I look like Steph Curry when the feed is cluttered by Reags and Greenie acting like they work for the AP News. You guys got me confused for Dwayne Wade playing in the NBA Finals when I'm really just the Cavs Dean Wade playing in the YMCA league for fun on his free time.
….so how do you incentivize the KBs, Big Cats, PFTs, etc to get back into the blogging game? PAY THEM. Cash prizes for each tournament win, and if we can give $100,000 to a full Nicky Smokes or 1.25 Kelly Keegs to work here the Surviving Barstool winner, then I'm sure we can scrounge up a few sponsors to pay the winner for their time in exchange for a month worth of incredible content.
Tell me a month-long blog-off with this accurately ranked field wouldn't generate more content than this company has seen in the last 10 years:
You win, you move on. I love the idea of mimicking the March Madness format. You win on Day 1? You have a day off to prepare for your second matchup (kind of like how our Editors gave Kelly time when they didn't post my blog for damn near a full day). See who is quick on their feet. But if you win again, survive the first week, and make the Sweet 16? You now have a full week to prep for the next round. Think about giving Rone five full days to eviscerate someone…
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Could you imagine Francis, Rone, PFT, and KB in the Final 4? There would be more hype surrounding that event than the 2022 Final 4 when the blue bloods of Duke, North Carolina, Kansas, and Villanova all made it. And it doesn't have to be hit pieces either. I mean, you all saw Keegs, not everyone has that skill in their bag, but the BEST BLOG WINS. Be funny, be creative, be Nate and just tell everyone you're a good writer and hope that saying it enough convinces people of it. Do whatever you want, just put out your best blog. And then we can let the fans vote. Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people, and it's about time we take a page out of Charles Darwin's book and let Natural Selection run it's course to trim the fact. There would be more traffic on the website than Spotify when an episode of Barstool Bench Mob was released or YouTube when an episode of Picks Central goes live Los Angeles at rush hour. Is this not a great idea…..? Run a bracket contest. Sell Sweet 16 t-shirts. Offer gambling odds. And best of all, MAKE PEOPLE ACTUALLY WORK!
Alright, my lunch break is over. That's just my two cents. I already saved the company reportedly valued at over $600,000,000 once as a part-time employee making $12K a year before taxes, and I'm willing to save it again. At least let me play my first round matchup, I need to address this clown who thinks he had anything to do with it…