Jessica Biel Just Flipped The Game On Its Head — Eating In The Shower

hubbs1/27/2024 1:00 AM

Rabbani and Solimene Photography. Getty Images.

The world is always looking for new innovators and inventors. Just when you think we've reached our peak as human beings we create something like the iPhone, V/R headset, or even the car stick. All it takes is one great idea out of million bad ones to help change the world. Today, Jessica Biel was that change.

You've surely heard of shower beers, but let me introduce to you shower food.

So what did we learn from that video? For starters, Biel absolutely hates her family. If it were up to her she'd spend the whole day in the bathroom hiding from reality. I don't have kids, but I feel like once I do I'll share the same thoughts. If you're eating in the shower as part of your alone time then you absolutely despise your offspring.

Now let's be real, there's no way shower eating is enjoyable. Biel mentions the constant need to remind yourself to chew with your mouth closed, but I'm for sure getting soap, shampoo, conditioner, or maybe even all of the above in there if I'm trying to eat food during the shower process. Now you want to eat while in the tub? Much more feasible, realistic, and enjoyable. I don't take baths because I don't trust the cleanliness of my NYC apartment tub nor do I have the time, but I could easily see eating while doing that being a soothing activity. With the shower spraying in your face? You could have the spawn of satan as your kids and that still wouldn't be worth it. You're way better off leaving the food on your sink ledge and eating either before or after the shower while you sit on the toilet. There's zero need to do this all at the same time.

Now here's something I'm worried about upon this new way of life hitting the streets — John Feitelberg.

When Biel made this video I'm sure she was mostly talking about having a smoothie or maybe a quick snack in the shower. That's not how John is going to take this.

I'm fully convinced Feits is gonna start eating cereal, chicken caesar salads, soup, cheeseburgers, you name it in the shower on a daily basis. He'll somehow come out more dirty than he did coming in with the amount of shit that's gonna spill on himself. Without a doubt he's going to have Doritos in his hair when I see him back at work on Monday.

John and I went to a dinner the other night and as we left the office he saw a box of large cookies with frosting on them sitting on the security desk asking to be devoured. He paused and asked me if it was okay to put one of them in his peacoat pocket to SAVE FOR LATER. If not for me he'd just have frosting and crumbs all over his clothes. I sort of regret stopping him because that visual would have been all-time.

He's absolutely going to start eating full meals in the shower and Jessica Biel is to blame.

Obligatory acknowledgement that 2005/2006 Jessica Biel is up there as pound for pound one of the best looking human beings in the history of the world. She's still got it today, nearly two decades after the fact, but my god was she unbeatable back in the day.