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I Am Buying A Gun- Part 1

PATRICK T. FALLON. Getty Images.

This isn't a jokey blog or a political statement (although people will inevitably label it as such).

I see multiple coworkers documenting various journeys on this platform, and since I am about to start a new voyage of my own, I thought chronicling my quest for a legal firearm could wedge neatly in between Trent's quest to break 100 and Tank's 150th outdoor walk.

I will start by saying that I am not "strapping up" in reaction to anything that is going on geopolitically.  Does it concern me that billionaires are rushing to either find ways off this planet or are building elaborate bunkers on faraway islands as if the zombie apocalypse is next Tuesday?

Yeah… That's a little unsettling.

But I don't think a single firearm in the hands of a 52-year-old with bad eyesight is gonna prove to be much of a speedbump for the hordes of the undead as they come to harvest my family's brains before we inject ourselves with a deadly disease that would make us invisible to their zombie senses.

The fact is that I have always been fascinated with weapons.  People who watch me lose in the playoffs of The Dozen every season know that I am often fiddling with some sort of switchblade or butterfly knife while I am competing.  The part of my mind that dictates the flicking out of a blade is the same part that would otherwise distract me from Jeff D Lowe's questions about Detroit Piston draft picks… So I sit there and flick away like a mental patient.

I own dozens of knives and swords, I used to belong to a Knife of The Month Club, and the magnetic knife strip in my kitchen has some blades on there that just don't belong.

I own multiple BB guns.  And I also bought one of those shotguns that shoots rock salt at mosquitos, even though I rarely go outside in the summer.

I have a couple of blowguns.  One of which I bought on Amazon, but the other was sent to me by none other than Barstool Outdoors' Sydnie Wells… Her dad, Tim Wells, makes a brand of high-end blowguns (The Slock Master), and the one she sent me came with arrowhead blowdarts that I was able to easily shoot through a sheet of plywood from 50 yards away.

I own 3 flame throwers… Two are used for cooking…

… but the big one I got from Elon Musk I use almost exclusively for burning murder hornets in my backyard.

I own stun guns and throwing stars and nunchucks and battle axes, even though I have no intention of ever getting into a situation where I would need such things.

What I am saying is- I am no stranger to weapons… But I have never owned a gun.

If you read the blog I put out every 9/11, you may recall this passage…

As I walked South on the West Side Highway, I got just below Stuyvesant, but all the way west along the Hudson River, when the South Tower fell at 9:59 AM.

It was the most scared I have ever been.  Crowds of us started to run to the water with a cloud of ash and dust closing in behind us.  A cop dropped his gun in front of me, and I bent down to grab it (because I always wanted a gun), but it slipped through my fingers, so I continued to run until I got to the water.  It was only then, did I turn around.

When I turned, the Twin Towers lost a twin, and I was absolutely dumbfounded.

So, during one of the most harrowing experiences of my life… I was running away from a skyscraper that was falling down behind me… I unsuccessfully tried to rob a gun.

And yet I never went about buying one legally.

I think the number one reason I never have is because I have something worse than guns… I have kids.  I remember when Nerf guns were insanely popular, and my 9-year-old got one of their sniper rifles for his birthday.  As soon as he loaded it, his 6-year-old brother looked down the barrel of the loaded rifle as if it were a telescope.  Even though the result of that fuck-up would've been a soft dart to a 6-year-old eye, the sight of my kid innocently (and ignorantly) looking directly into a loaded "weapon" scared the shit out of me.  And it temporarily extinguished any desire I had to buy a real gun.

Well, that 9 and 6-year-old are now about to turn 20 and 17.  And their little sister (who is arguably the smartest in the family) is almost 14 years old.  

So although gun safety will still be a priority, at least I am out of the weeds with any potential infantile behavior.  

Some may ask: "What about your wife?… Is she okay with this?"

And the simple answer is, "Who cares?"

But seriously, we have been married for nearly 25 years, and in that quarter of a century, here is a partial list of activities we have participated in together, followed by how many times we have done them.

  • Bowling… 4 times
  • Skiing… Once
  • Snorkeling… Twice
  • Hot air ballooning… Once
  • Horseback riding… Twice
  • White water rafting… Twice
  • Jet skiing… Twice
  • Playing pool… 3 times
  • Yoga… 3 times
  • Mini-golf… 4 times
  • Anal… Once (and I am still sore)
  • Camping… Twice

Again… Those tallies are for the past 25 years.  Now, how about shooting?

  • Shooting (skeet or range)… 6 or 7 times

That's a lot, comparatively.  Whether it is firing off little .22 caliber rifles at a range or shooting trap/skeet at a shotgun course near us, we both enjoy shooting.  So even though my wife does not have the Second Amendment tattooed across the small of her back, she is fully on board with me picking up perhaps 2 guns for us to fuck around with.

Therefore, as I mentioned in the title, I am going to buy a gun or two.  Perhaps a couple of shotguns, or maybe throw a handgun in the mix… I am really not sure yet.

I have no idea what I need to do to get one, but the bride and I think going to our local police department to drop off some pizzas (respect for our boys in blue) and ask for some guidance is a good first step. 

I'll keep you up on the process and welcome any advice.

Take a report.


Recording another Twisted next week, but the last episode is still very worthwhile…