Vase Man Is Deserving Of A Blog

Vase Man. We've all seen Vase Man by now. Vase Man has taken the internet by storm. I'm admittedly late to this very important man-stuck-in vase story, so I apologize for that. But I think Vase Man is still deserving of a blog. If a man stuck in a vase isn't the type of story that goes up on our sports blog then idk what does.

As we learned on today's Yak, Vase Man hails from the prestigious institution of Mississippi State University. Home of Dak Prescott, Brandon Walker, and the original Machine Gun Kelly (George Kelly Burns), who's known best for kidnapping oil tycoon Charles Urschel and holding him ransom for $200,000.

Now before you go judging this man, try putting yourself in his size 9 Sperry's for a minute. You're partying in your most beige sweater. The collar of your white button-up is peeking out ever so slightly from underneath, exactly as you like it. You're very drunk. You're very southern. You're obviously feeling yourself. But for some reason, no woman over an 8 has taken notice. It doesn't make any sense. Your naturally blonde hair hasn't moved an inch since you arrived and you've made it clear that your father is a lawyer. You should be knee deep in gash by now. It's time to change up your strategy. Shotgunning beers and talking about your trust fund loud enough so the entire party can hear just isn't cutting it tonight.

That's when you see a lonely vase. It's not a pretty vase by any means. Large, round, and dull. You typically go for flashier, more shapely vases. But this vase is still passable. And most importantly, like the rest of the women at the party, the vase is unfilled by you. You think to yourself, "It's time to show these women how a real man fills a hole."

"Watch this y'all", you reckon to your friends as you make your way to the vase. You size it up for a minute, paying it a few compliments, checking it out from various angles, making sure that this vase endeavor is really something you want to pursue tonight. You're still not entirely sold it, but you have to get the hot women's attention somehow. This vase is your only option. 

It's gonna be a tight squeeze, but that's never stopped you before. So you squat down into the vase like an ancient Chinese man and force the entire lower half of your body through the rim. You're in. You're air tight. The women come storming over from across the party to get a closer look. The hottest one turns to her slightly less hot, but still very much in play friend, and says, "My stars Clementine! That vase is packed full of man. I hope he fills me next."

Your plan worked perfectly. Submerging yourself in the vase was the idea of a lifetime. Wet panties rain down upon you from every direction. You have the party right where you want it. But when it comes time to ditch the vase, it's not as easy as you'd thought. You thought you could just pop-in the hole, have some fun for 60-90 seconds, then move on with your life. But the vase had other ideas. The vase got her fill of you, and won't let you off the hook that easy. You and the vase are now one, and you can't shake it.

"Maybe I'd fuck him, but he has to lose the vase first"

"Yeah I mean... he's super hot, but like... he's stuck in that bitch vase."

Poor guy. It happens to the best of us. Legend has it he's still stuck in the vase to this day. He may never get out. It's a tale as old as time. Be careful what vases you put yourself into boys. If you pick the wrong one, you may never be able to shake it.

P.S. For anybody interested in what actually happened to this man, and not a made up fictional story, somebody from the party live tweeted the entire thing in the following thread. 

TLDR: They took a sledgehammer to the vase and he got home safely