Power Ranking The Feast Of The Seven Fishes

The Feast Of The Seven Fishes is upon us.

It's an Italian-American celebration that occurs on Christmas Eve, known in Italy as "La Vigilia", that embodies the rich cultural and religious heritage of Italian-Americans, with its origins rooted in Southern Italy. This festive meal is characterized by dishes that feature fish and other seafood, reflecting the Roman Catholic tradition of not eating meat on Fridays or the eve of holidays (or even red sauce for the real old schoolers) 

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Southern Italy, where seafood is abundant and an integral part of the local diet, has heavily influenced the holiday menu.

Before Italy's unification in 1861, the territory consisted of various independently governed regions. The areas that form modern southern Italy, characterized by extensive coastlines, prominently featured seafood in its area cuisines. Regrettably, southern Italians, both before and after Italy became a unified country, typically lived with fewer resources compared to their northern counterparts. 

Northerners have always, and still HATE their southern countrymen, seeing them as a drain on the country's resources, lazy, and criminals.

This economic disparity led to a significant migration of millions from the south to the United States and other global destinations during the late 1800s and early 1900s. They carried their culinary heritage overseas, a legacy apparent in the seafood-centric celebrations of Christmas Eve by Italian Americans, which some scholars attribute to these southern Italian roots.

The Feast of the Seven Fishes became a way for Italian-American families to celebrate their heritage and maintain a connection to their homeland. Over time, the tradition became more elaborate and distinctively recognized within the Italian-American community.

There is a ton of variation in how the feast is celebrated, with different families and communities choosing different seafood dishes based on local availability, family preferences, and individual interpretations of the tradition. 

The one constant no matter where it's celebrated at is that the house, and your clothes reak to high heavens for a solid week afterwards. 

Frying seafood, and simply having the volume of seafood indoors gets in the walls I swear. 

As gross as that might sound, the feast is a beautiful example of how religious, cultural, and family traditions can interweave, creating traditions that evolve and adapt over time.

If all of this sounds crazy to you, or you've never heard of it, or don't have any Italian friends, a great depiction of how its done was portrayed on the past season of The Bear on Hulu. (Which was fucking fantastic by the way, if you didn't watch it yet, give it a watch. I blogged about it last summer).

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Clem did a really awesome job blogging about the episode last week which a great breakdown of it -

The reason we do seven has religious significance. Of course. The number seven in "The Feast of the Seven Fishes" supposedly has biblical origins, symbolizing perfection and completion, with references such as the seven sacraments, the seven days of creation, or other significant biblical numerologies. However, the number of fish dishes can vary, and not all families adhere strictly to seven. Some only do one or two. Some, like my friend Vincenzo's family, does like 10-15. 

With that said, let's break down the stars and standout dishes, starting with the worst of the worst.

FEAST OF THE SEVEN FISHES POWER RANKINGS

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WORST TO FIRST

16- Scungilli

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Let's just get this one out of the way, Scungilli is the worst. I don't care what your seven choice lineup looks like, if you've got scungilli on there, it's at the bottom of your list. Even the name is gross. It's chewy, it's rubbery, and it takes some serious culinary skills to make it right.  These things look like snails but they're actually "conch", but they're nowhere near as good as the conch you get in the Caribbean. Again, they're tough, and chewy, and the texture is disgusting. They are the only thing on this list worse than-

15- Eel

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Eels are fucking gross. 

They're somehow scarier in real life than they were seeing The Little Mermaid as a kid.

They're a shit fish, if they actually even are fish. I've read that the humna body can't even digest them properly and that's why they go right through you when you eat them. And there's a reason shitty sushi restaurants always get caught for substituting them (and escolar) for high end expensive fish to unsuspecting diners. 

Some people love them, Unagi is a big time delicacy in most asian countries, but that's night and day from the flieted, and grilled eel you'll find on your aunt and uncles table this Christmas. 

14- Smelts

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There’s two different kinds of smelts, salt water and fresh water. And they both taste like ass.

The salt water kind are way more oily than the freshwater, but these fish will never make sense to me to eat. 

They’re bait fish. 

They’re larger sardines or anchiovi basically. 

13- Baccalà (Salt Cod) - "The Salt of the Sea"

People fucking love bacala. But I am sadly not one of them. I will eat it of course, but not even close to my first choice.

Baccalà is like that one relative everyone knows but no one wants to sit next to. It's salty, it's fishy, and it requires an acquired taste that, let's be honest, most of us are still acquiring. Picture one of the saltiest fishes you've ever tasted, which for some reason, is prepared by soaking it in brined salt water to make it even saltier. (I've never understood this).

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12- Calamari Fritti - "The Ring Leader"

Fried calamari is like the popular kid at school. Everyone knows it, everyone has an opinion about it, and it's everywhere. Lightly white and yellow floured, then fried to perfection, it's a crowd-pleaser, but let's be real: it's a little too mainstream to snag the top spot. 

Bonus points if you do it "Rhode Island style" with the cherry peppers and garlic or stuffing them whole 

11- Frutti Di Mare

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This mixed seafood salad is like the ensemble cast of your favorite show. There's a lot going on, and when it's balanced right, it's a masterpiece. Shrimp, scallops, octopus, oh my! It's a medley of the sea's finest, usually tossed over some linguine, or risotto, or served straight up by itself. 

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10- Gamberetti - Shrimp

Our guy Bubba told us all the zillion different various ways shrimp can be prepared. 

You can go straight up cold shrimp cocktail here and never go wrong,

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(Which if you do, you gotta go with some fire horseradish cocktail sauce. Bonus points if you use St. Elmo's who now sells it online)

Or you can go Gamberetti in agrodolce which is shrimp in a sweet and sour sauce (vinegar, sugar, and piniolli nuts).

Or you can dress it up scampi style. 

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My personal favorite is shrimp oreganata, aka "The Class Act". Shrimp oreganata is the sophisticated choice. It's shrimp, dressed up with breadcrumbs and herbs, baked to perfection. Very similar to baked clams. 

No matter what you do, you can't go wrong with shrimp. Shrimp always plays.

9- Fritto Misto

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Upgraded fried calamari. You get the shrimp, the squid, the tiny little fishes and sometimes the fried lemon slices which are surprisingly so fucking good.

8- Insalata di Mare (Seafood Salad)

This mixed seafood salad is like the ensemble cast of your favorite show. There's a lot going on, and when it's balanced right, it's a masterpiece. Shrimp, scallops, octopus, squid, tossed in a nice vinegar-based dressing with some squeezed lemons and served chilled. Tough to beat.

7- Calamari alla Griglia (Grilled Calamari)

Grilled calamari is one of those things that as a kid you never want to touch, and you always think your parents and grandparents are crazy for eating when fried calamari is so freaking good. But then you grow up and your tastes change and you decide to give the grilled style and try and have your mind blown. Then you get it. The slight char, complimented by the balsamic. Holy moly. 

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6- The Fish Entrees 

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Whether you roll with a branzino (sea bass), snapper, or salmon, you can't really go wrong. Cook it whole, or fileted, grilled, or baked, this course is always old reliable. If the other courses gross you out or get fucked up, you've always got this to fall back on.

5- Cozze (Mussels) - The Dark Horse

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Mussels are the brooding, mysterious type that might just surprise you. Cooked in a white wine sauce or marinara, they're deliciously deceptive. Sometimes you get that one that makes you question all your life choices. There's nothing worse. You know you're going to be deathly ill seconds after you swallow it. You will be puking and pissing out of your ass for hours, and it will ruin mussels for you for quite some time. But there's not much better than a great heaping bowl of mussels in red or white.

4- Scallops

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Scallops are so damn delicious. Especially the little sweet bay ones if you're lucky enough to have them available where you live.

3- Clams - All Ways

Linguine Vongole

The absolute best. When you find somebody, or someplace that makes a great linguine and clams hold on to them. For dear life. I mean it. There's nothing better when it's done right.

Baked

Garlic, breadcrumbs, accentuated by some nice cirtus. Lights out.

2- Crab - All Ways

Crab is king. I know I have it second to the top which doesn't make sense, but that's only because of how big a deal the big dog dish is to the feast. Any other day, or take that off the board, and crab reigns supreme. There's a reason it's expensive as fuck.

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Crab & Spaghetti/Linguine

Even better if you've got squid ink-dyed spaghetti

Crab Dip

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Another dish you can just never ever go wrong with. It's so simple, yet so amazing.

Crab Cioppino style (Seafood Stew)

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I got burned not knowing that this originated and is a well known dish in San Fransisco on The Dozen, and i'll never let myself forget it.

Now anytime I go to a restaurant anywhere and they have cioppino on the menu, I get it. It's delicious. It's similar to a seafood stew but the broth is so much better because its tomato based. 

Crab Granicio

This is a midwest thing I'd never heard of or got to try until I moved there. It is fantastic! It's like a combination fettucine with a ton of butter and heat from red pepper flakes.

1-  Lobster Fra Diavolo - "The Fiery Champion" - King of the Feast

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Lobster Fra Diavolo is the main event, the showstopper, the fiery champion of the Seven Fishes. It's lobster in a spicy tomato sauce, and it's not for the faint of heart. It's luxurious, it's bold, and it takes the crown.

We usually don't do red sauces on Christmas Eve, but an exception is always made for Lobster Fra Diavolo. 

This is perhaps the most famous Italian-American dish credited to being born in America. For one, there are no lobsters like we have in the Atlantic in Italy. Only spiny ones. And experts to this day have no idea how the recipe actually originated, but its a staple in some way shape, or form at nearly all Feasts. 

So it has perhaps the deepest roots in the Italian American tradition celebrated here. 

It was also Frank Sinatra's 2nd favorite dish, period.

You can never miss with lobster.

And combined with a fiery red sauce, stacked with a ton of garlic and oregano, (its basically an arrabbiata sauce) it makes for the best combo you're going to find anywhere on Christmas Eve.

It's insane that we're expected to do dessert at the end of eating all this fish. But somehow you always find a way to fit a piece of panettone, some zeppole, a canolli or some ricotta cookies. At the very least you're housing some pizzelle. 

No matter what you had for Christmas Eve dinner, or your feast, there’s nothing better than getting together with family, gathering around the kitchen, everybody chipping in, and then treating yourself to some great food and wine.

Christmas Eve is the best. Everybody enjoy with your families and loved ones. Merry Christmas!

p.s.- Send me your pics of the feasts and your top 3.