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Brain-Dead Jaguars Employee Reportedly Defrauds The Team of TWENTY-TWO Million Dollars Over The Course of 5 Years But At Least He Got A Sick AF Condo And A Grip of Other Stuff Before Prison

Giphy Images.

A former Jacksonville Jaguars employee is accused of stealing more than $22 million from the franchise from 2019 to 2023 by exploiting the organization’s virtual credit card program, and he used that money to buy, among other items, two vehicles, a condominium and a designer watch worth over $95,000. Some of that money was also allegedly used to purchase cryptocurrency and place bets with online gambling sites. 

“We can confirm that in February 2023, the team terminated the employment of the individual named in the filing,” the team said in a statement. “Over the past several months we have cooperated fully with the FBI and the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Middle District of Florida during their investigation and thank them for their efforts in this case. As was made clear in the charges, this individual was a former manager of financial planning and analysis who took advantage of his trusted position to covertly and intentionally commit significant fraudulent financial activity at the team’s expense for personal benefit. This individual had no access to confidential football strategy, personnel or other football information. The team engaged experienced law and accounting firms to conduct a comprehensive independent review, which concluded that no other team employees were involved in or aware of his criminal activity.”

If convicted, Patel may be required to forfeit property “in the amount of at least $22,221,454.40, which represents the proceeds of the offense” in addition to assets “purchased or funded with the proceeds of the offenses and/or involved in an illegal monetary transaction,” the filing states.

Man, I don't know how people are this brazen when they are criming. Have you never seen one movie in your entire life? Have you never read a novel that includes the advice of not getting too out in front of your skis with your financial malfeasance? If not, you should get yourself a nice little library card and take a gander in the fictional crime section. Might I suggest you look into some light reading… maybe John Grissom's novels? You could pick up a few tips. 

Hell, watch Fight Club. Now, I know that the first rule of Fight Club is that we don't talk about. Imma talk about it though. Well, write. I'm gonna write about it which technically doesn't spoil the terms of the agreement. 

Anyway, in Fight Club, the financial crime was a clever-ass scheme to steal tiny fractions of a penny from numerous bank transactions. The idea is to go unnoticed by taking such a small amount that people wouldn't notice it missing. Edward Norton works for a car company and geniusly (spell check says that's not a word. Interesting. I disagree so I'll keep it) makes this plan by creating a computer program that rounds down the leftover fractions of a penny from purchases and deposits them into his account. You just gotta accumulate these minuscule amounts over time, ultimately resulting in a substantial sum. If you get caught though, the Atlantic and Barstool Sports write about you. Oh. And you probably go to the federal penitentiary too. Not good!

The audacity of thinking you can get away with stealing 22 million dollars is fucking wild. How? How did he possibly think that no audit would uncover 22 million dollars in theft? If so, yikes. He miscalculated. 

The part that really gets in my crawl is that we should all be focused on Trevor Lawrence getting better. He should be the entire focus of the Jacksonville fanbase and now we have to weep at 22 million dollars in losses. I hope Shad Khan is ok. Something tells me he might get his pound of flesh and then head back to his 300 million-dollar yacht. Stealing 22 million is broke boi shit. 

Not bad. 

PS: shirtless dude in the thumbnail isn't the fella in question. He's just some nerd in Getty Images. 

pss: Allegedly