John Kerry Farts Loudly Mid-Speech

Fartgate, as it's being dubbed by Barstool Sports right now is sweeping the nation. You all remember John Kerry right? He lost a presidential campaign to George Bush in 2004. His parents are Secretariat and Frankenstein. Well 20 years later, now that he's nearly 80 years old, he still holds a high ranking political position (obviously). But enough facts. This blog is about John Kerry's uncontrollable bowels. 

To be truthful with you, when I first heard this fart sound I thought it had come from the audience. I thought an adversary had somehow connect the loudspeaker via Bluetooth and played Fart Sound #4 while John Kerry was talking about emissions. That would be both a well executed prank, and a strong political move. What better way to voice your displeasure than with a timely fart sound. Honestly, if Trump doesn't utilize fart noises during his next debate, I'd have no choice but to question his legitimacy as a candidate. Any question he doesn't have an answer to, just hammer a fart sound. He'd win every debate.

But the word on the street is that this fart came directly from John Kerry's ass. 

Daily Mail - Former Secretary of State and presidential candidate John Kerry is facing accusations that he broke wind during one of his patented climate change rants that he delivered in Dubai after traveling to the Emirate via a gas guzzling jet. 

His remarks were met by a round of applause from the crowd, which apparently muffled the fart sound however it was picked up by the microphones and could be heard clearly during the broadcast. 

I'm still skeptical. The fart sounded so clear. Like somebody was squatting over a microphone. Would Kerry's microphone pick up a fart from all the way down in his chair? Does John Kerry have the power let out such a booming fart unintentionally? Well, lets take a look at the facts.

Fact #1: He's 79 years old

Good point. Case closed. If you're a 79 year old man, you're well passed the age of controlling your farts. Fart control typically goes around age 65 at the latest. That was a fart folks. It's almost as if John Kerry incepted his own butt hole. You can only talk about carbon emissions for so long until you mind subliminally sends a message to your colon that it's time to emit something of your own. 

There has been no comment from the 2004 presidential candidate on the scandal.

Scandal indeed. It's only a matter of time before he publicly addresses Fartgate. It will be interesting to see how Kerry plans to wiggle his way out of this one. Political pundits across the country are already up in arms.

Right-wing radio host Larry O'Connor of Townhall Media told the New York Post that he was outraged by Kerry's apparent flatulency. 

'The biggest problem is, during this entire exchange, representing us, The United States of America, he ripped a fart out.

'He let loose with flatulence on an international stage. He should lose his job immediately. John Kerry farted,' O' Connor said. 

Not to get too political, but I'm afraid Larry O'Connor is missing the mark. If I'm Kerry, I lean into this. I start using the farts to my advantage. Not necessarily as rebuttals, but as a show of dominance. To consistently pass gas the middle of every speech you give, or every political conversation you're a part of is a show of power. A willingness to stamp every one of your points with a thunderous fart shows a level of confidence that people would have no choice but to respect. That's the most American thing I can think of. He doesn't have time to hold in a fart. He's got business to take care of.