Ranking The Booby Traps In Home Alone From Worst To Best
The best Christmas movie out there is Home Alone. It puts you in the Christmas spirit the way a good Christmas movie should. You laugh, you cry, you remember the true meaning of the holiday, and most importantly you wonder if put in the same scenario you could properly fortify your house against home invaders.
I remember Kevin McCallister creating a labyrinth of booby traps that a Tunnel Rat wouldn't dare brave, but after rewatching Home Alone, the trap set up is kind of ass. Granted it's an 8 year old setting them up, but only the worst cat burglars would struggle breaking into this house. Home Alone 2 is a little more hardcore with Kevin booby trapping his Uncle's abandoned townhouse with only traps that include hitting the Sticky Bandits with blunt objects like brinks or wrenches.
My main take away from this is the best way to defend against an intruder isn't laying intricate booby traps around house, it's owning a personal fire arm. Defend yourself and your family by purchasing a piece. Luckily for Kevin, the Wet Bandits are idiots from a kids movie who are easily susceptible to falling into a booby trap. Here are my rankings of those traps …
Feathers: This trap shows that Kevin McCallister is a sick psycho fuck. Kevin doesn't want to hurt the bandits by glueing feathers to them, this is meant to humiliate, while he watches. Wouldn't be surprised if Kevin grows up to be into some weird voyeur stuff.
Ornaments Under The Window: Reeeeally banking on a bandit coming through the window shoeless. I understand this is caused from an early trap, but no way Kevin could have predicted the bandit takes his shoes off in the tar then comes through the living room window. Zero from Kevin creativity one this one, which makes me wonder if this was some sort of Dan Schneider foot fetish kink stuff thrown into the movie? You couldn't sell feet pics online back in 1990, so maybe this was the only way some creep could get his rocks off.
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Micromachines: This is absolutely a step up from ornaments under a window, but not by much. But, catching one of these toy cars at the right angle on hardwood floor could be deadly. Love Kevin sitting at the top of the stairs taunting them into tripping. I wanted to call these Hot Wheels because I never fucked with Micromachines, I was a Hot Wheels guy through and through. Kevin's parents live in a mansion while taking 5 kids to Paris for Christmas, I guess you have to cut costs somewhere and that's by buying knockoff micromachines.
Axl The Tarantula: At the start of the movie, Buzz telling Kevin that Axl the spider just ate a ton of mice guts, so he shouldn't be too hungry, is classic older brother trying to scare his younger sibling. Not to be a total hardooo, but a Tarantula is 100% more scared of you than you are of it, unless you have arachnophobia, then you're like those people who run away from a plate of pickles on the Maury Show. Sorry to Axl, but all you have to do is step on the spider, problem solved.
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Crashing into a brick wall when the zip line gets cut: Not the most creative, but extremely effective. Having your enemies swing into a brick wall and fall 2 stories will bring the pain. You can really see Kevin going from sweet boy left alone at home to blood thirsty monster in this scene. A character arc they say Walter White was based off of in Breaking Bad. Rumor has it, it was Kevin's dream to be alone his whole life.
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Icy Stairs: Kevin ices these guys like he's at a bachelor party, and it's the first time he starts to get diabolical. Even when you know you're walking on ice, you can still slip and fall. These guys have no clue ice is there. I had a cartoon like fall on ice in college and sprained the hell out of my wrist. Marv and Harry take spills down concrete stairs. Would have been wild if one of the bandits cracked their skull open, and now Kevin dealing with a body.
Trip Wire: Nothing fancy, just a classic booby trap. In a past life Kevin McCallister did a three tours in Vietnam as Long-Range Reconnaissance Patrol. Going off into the jungle alone and coming back with a necklace full of the ears and scalps of the enemies he's hunted. The things he's seen and done will haunt him forever, but he did what he thought he had to do for his country.
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Branded by the door knob: Not only does Kevin burn the hell out of Harry's hand, he brands him with the McCallister M from the doorknob. Kevin makes one of the Wet Bandits his property. The second these guys crossed the McCallister property line, the were no longer humans, they were cattle ready to be herded for the slaughterhouse.
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Blow torch to the dome: It was tough to put this blow torch trap above turning a doorknob into a branding iron, but turning a flamethrower on your enemy is an all time move. When Kevin's parents got home Christmas morning they Harry's gold tooth on the floor, but I wonder if they were able to smell the stench of burnt human flesh lingering in their kitchen? Again, Kevin is a psycho.
Paint can to the face: Nothing like dealing out a little blunt force trauma to the head, makes the victim all fuzzy. This trap could have been higher, but the side of a paint can seems soft compared to the traps at #2 and #1.
Iron to the face: I always thought the clothes iron was turned on and burnt Marv, but after analyzing the brick marks on Marv's face in Home Alone 2, it's just to show the iron picked up max velocity and made a direct hit with Marv's money maker. Kevin had Marv looking like Peyton Manning's forehead after he's been wearing his helmet too tight.
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Nail through the foot: Getting hit in the head with a blunt object could for sure kill you, but stepping on a nail would hurt worse. Can't feel pain if you're knocked unconscious. Maybe taking a nail to the foot is like walking on hot coals and doesn't hurt that bad, but I cringe every time I watch this scene as if I can feel the nail piercing the bottom of my own foot. That is why I believe this is the worst trap Kevin lays for the Wet Bandits, and think Marv got a raw deal when it came to who got into the worst traps.
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There's still time to get your Battle Plan Ugly sweater before Christmas …