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Here Are Three Great Stats Detailing How Pathetic The Chicago Bears Are

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Can someone PLEASE explain to me how Matt Eberflus is still the head coach of the Chicago Bears? It's so exhausting doing this week and week out. Nauseating, in fact. Every. Single. Week there are a few hilarious stats that make the Bears look like complete and total assholes. Let's take a look at my favorite three this week:

Checking in at #3 is this stat showing how hilariously pathetic Matt Eberflus has been against divisional opponents: 

Holy hell. I mean what in the fuck are we doing here? The NFC North is BAD too. The Packers blow and don't have a QB for the first time in 30 years, the Vikings also don't have a QB. Don't talk to me about that scrub Josh Dobbs, nobody's winning shit with him. The Lions? Yeah, they beat KC on opening night. But they also got CREAM PIED by another SB contender in the Ravens and over the last 3-4 weeks don't look like anything more than the best team in a bad division. 

…Yet Matt Eberflus hasn't snuck out a single dub against any of those teams. 

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#2: The Bears had a 98% win probability late in last night's game before blowing it: 

I'll be fully honest: I was in a tree stand for the 4th quarter and was watching the live stats while waiting for Bambi to rear her ugly head in front of me so I could blow her brains out. I didn't see their "odds" to win last night while up by 12 over halfway through the last frame until this morning, but knew while sitting in that tree stand that the Bears were blowing that game. 

My only regret is being in retirement from gambling and not popping a responsible wager on the live line while the Bears were up 12. Eberflus is a loser, and losers play to "not lose" instead of playing to "win". I knew he wouldn't have the balls to go for the jugular. Every Bears fan did. 

Still hilarious seeing the win probability though. Really puts how bad that choke just was into perspective. 

#1: Matt Eberflus says the Bears are "close": 

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I don't really get why people pick apart pressers. Coaches are going to give cookie cutter, canned bullshit 99% of the time. They'll ramble and ramble and none of it means shit. 

But MY GOD does this guy look like a clown week in and week out. I'm not saying I need a Dennis Greene or Herm Edwards type tirade in the media, but don't lie to our faces. The Bears aren't close - they're very, very far. They have a few nice pieces on defense, but the OL stinks, the QB stinks, the defense stinks and worst yet…

…Maye and Williams might both stink too. I could and probably am way wrong there, but goddamn, it's just not easy being a Bears fan.

Oh, and a bunch of other teams stink too, especially the teams Carolina wraps up the season with: 

So they might have to trade up for those two question marks anyways. Close? Yeah…not quite. 

Thank god there are only 7 games left of this trash. Then we can start counting down the days until pitchers and catchers report. 

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This team can't get to Arlington Heights soon enough

PS - per ESPN, teams were 48-0 when forcing 3+ turnovers and having 40+ mins in TOP…until yesterday. Fire everybody.