Unveiling Thanksgiving Topics: Part 1- Appetizers

Large11/20/2023 10:00 PM

Thought I’d step in before we all see our families this week and (with the help of Torrie Wilson) unveil some topics of conversation for Thanksgiving.

It’s become cliche to complain about that relative who talks politics at the table, but I think outside of that phenomenon, there is also a universal shortage of topics that can unite the whole (adults’) table because of all the varied interests…

- Not everyone cares about sports, so don’t bother bringing up the Joe Burrow incident.

- Not everyone cares about cooking, so don’t bother running down the recipe for your creamed corn casserole.

- Not everyone cares about your kids, so shut-the-fuck up about Timmy’s little league team going to a tournament in the Dominican Republic.

Instead, and in the spirit of inclusivity, find a topic or topics that are more embracing of everyone at the table… And if you’re having trouble finding one, lemme help you along.

TOPIC 1- What is the most macho story you ever heard?

I’ll go first… There was a hunter who lived up in the wiles of British Columbia, Canada in the 1960s. His name was Francis Wharton and he kept his contact with the outside world to a minimum. He provided for himself and kept the rest of society at arm’s length.

Fox Photos. Getty Images.

(This is not Francis, but I'd like to think it is close.)

He was in pretty good shape, physically, but his top row of teeth were fucked up… Rotting out of his head, essentially. And without access to a dentist, he decided to take matters into his own hands.

He pulled out all the damaged teeth from the top of his mouth and then went hunting.

He shot a deer and then harvested that deer’s teeth to make himself a set of dentures using a base of plastic that kept the filed-down deer teeth in place with household cement.

--- I will take a break from this little story to say what Francis did might not be what most would consider “macho” but I, personally, think pulling your own teeth and then killing an animal to find their replacements is an extraordinarily alpha move, and probably sets the table for someone to jump into the conversation with an even more manly tale. ---

But I wasn’t done with Francis’ story… Every account you read of this man’s dental adventure ends the same way. Whoever reports on Francis Wharton makes sure to mention the first thing he did with those new chompers was eat the deer that they previously belonged to.

So he killed a deer and then ate the deer with the deer's own teeth… And THAT is some macho shit.

THE END

Those quasi-cannibalistic dentures are now on display in the Canadian Museum of Health, and I think that story will be enough fodder for some wild conversations during the appetizer course.

And that is what I am going to do this holiday week… Pore over some things that I find interesting, so you can pivot the topic away from that lesbian niece of yours who’s in her third semester at Harvard, and has come to the conclusion that Hamas is pretty cool because Osama Bin Laden said so.

On top of the next couple of blogs, this week’s Twisted History is chock-filled with other topics to make your family table just a tiny bit more bearable… Drops Wednesday night on our YouTube channel…

Happy Thanksgiving, you naughty boy…