It's Not Fair That Chicks Have Cornered The Market In All The Tastiest Morning Beverages
We don't talk enough about how difficult it is to be a man in today's society.
Every morning I wake up and make myself a cup of coffee. Sometimes if I don't take a look at my bank account for a few days, I'll even treat myself to buying a small from a local coffee shop. But every day it's the same thing. Coffee, black.
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Because 200 years of societal constructs would make me feel like a total p-word for treating myself to some cream and sugar. You think the greatest generation put creamer in their coffee? Your grandpa would beat your ass for putting anything French in your coffee, let alone vanilla.
Now don't get me wrong--coffee is great. I'm not a cigarette smoker, but I can totally get why people feel so much better the moment the smoke from a cigarette hits their lips. Because it's the same thing with coffee. For most of us out there, it's like flipping the on switch to your body and brain for the day.
But every once in a while, you make the grave mistake of sneaking a sip out of your wife's caramel macchiato. Sometimes you make the mistake of sneaking a sip out of her vanilla chai latte. And you quickly realize how delicious that shit is. This whole world of delicious little treats in the morning has been there right in front of you all along, but you'd look like an asshole ordering one for yourself.
Now I know that sometimes the manliest thing that a man can do is not give a shit what other people think of you. In theory, it's actually less manly to drink black coffee because you think it makes you seem like a man, instead of just ordering a delicious little treat because you don't care what anybody thinks. I get that, don't worry. But I'm just not at that point. I'm a fake-it-till-you-make-it kind of man. I don't have what it takes to walk into a coffee shop and order a caramel macchiato with a some whipped cream on top and a little dusting of nutmeg, despite how much I would enjoy one.
But that's just the way life is for men these days. Sometimes all you want is a fun little drink in the morning, but then you run the risk of getting bullied by some 15-year-old little twerp in line behind you and the grandpa in front of you calling you a pussy. Is it fair? Not at all. Women never have to worry about this issue. They get to order whatever they want at a coffee shop, whenever they want. But that's life, I suppose. I'm just here today to let the rest of you know that you're not alone. I know you want that frap. I know you want that chai latte. Maybe one day we'll be able to actually order them. Maybe one day. We're all in this together, brothers.
P.S. -- Good news is that the tastiest treat ever in the morning is socially acceptable for all to drink. And the new seasonal flavors of Stella Blue look absolutely delightful.