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Here's Your Annual Reminder That The Spatchcock Is A Cheat Code To Cooking The Perfect Thanksgiving Turkey

We're a week out from Thanksgiving. That means its time to start locking that shit in right now. Maybe you've been on turkey duty for years, maybe this is the first year your friends and family decided they could trust your dumbass with cooking the bird. Either way, it's all about making a plan and executing. 

Now I'm not saying there's only one way to cook a delicious bird. But there's also more than one way to totally fuck it up. Hate to put the pressure on you like that, but it's true. You hear horror stories all the time about dog shit turkeys at Thanksgiving. Maybe it's dry as nuts, maybe it's bland as hell, maybe you set your whole house ablaze while trying to deep fry it. The fact of the matter here is that you really only have one crack at turkey per year, because nobody is eating a ton of whole turkey outside of Thanksgiving. So with the stakes that high, you want to set yourself up for success as best you can. 

And that's what the spatchcock does. 

It's a cheat code. Again, it's not the only way to cook a delicious turkey. But it sure as shit gives you the best odds of not cooking an awful one. And the thing about the spatchcock is that it's so much easier than it looks. All you need is either a sharp knife, or a good set of poultry shears. As long as you're able to cut in a relatively straight line, you can spatchcock a turkey. Take out that spine, put a little crack in the breast plate, lay it flat, and go to town. 

The biggest advantage to a spatchcock is everything cooks more evenly. You don't need to worry about the breast drying up while waiting for the thighs to get done. You don't need to worry about the thighs being egregiously undercooked to preserve the breast meat, and now you just sent your entire family home with the shits. Everything cooks quicker and more evenly with the spatchcock. And personal preference--I think it presents better and slices easier than cooking the turkey whole. 

So if you already have a way of cooking the bird which works best for you every year, then I'm happy for you. Congrats. But if you're about to be in charge of the turkey for your first Thanksgiving ever and you're starting to panic a bit, the 'cock is the way. The 'cock is your friend. 

Sidenote #1: My dream one day is to live in a world where we can finally get rid of the "well actually, turkey is the worst part about Thanksgiving" conversation. Can't stand people whose entire personality on Thanksgiving revolves around hating turkey, but I get it if you've only ever had shitty turkey. 

Sidenote #2: Leftover sandwiches forever.