The Definitive List of Manliest Things
I went on the Dog Walk Draft on Monday. The topic was "manliest things". I was thrilled when Eddie asked me to join that morning. It threw off my whole day. Instead of writing multiple blogs like I had planned, I spent my morning crafting the manliest list I could think of.
I was very excited to share my list with the boys. I was going to impress them all. However, when the draft kicked off, my manly picks didn't seem to resonate with my peers in the way I had expected (I was Team 2).
Everyone acted like "I didn't get the assignment", but I think that's stupid. I thought outside the box. I got specific. For example, any man or woman can smoke a cigar, but how many people can compete in the World's Strongest Man Competition? Only the very manliest men in the world get to do that.
So...despite the copious notes I took on the subject, everybody hated my picks and I was left off the poll
But since I wasted my morning writing these notes, I don't want to let them go to waste. I thought about doing a whole detailed blog explaining every one of my picks, along with my backup picks. But now that I'm going through them, I think it's best to just post my notes as is and let them speak for themselves.
These are the manliest things a man can do.
Competing in the World’s Strongest Man Competition
- World strongest man, Magnus Ver Magnusson
- Flipping a gigantic tire over and over again
- Placing a series of increasingly heavier Atlas stones onto a podium
- Strapping a 400 ton plane to your back a dragging it down the runway.
- Throwing kegs really fucking far
Ramping a Monster Truck
- Gravedigger, Big Foot, El Toro Loco
- I’ve been to 2 monster truck rallies in my life, the one at Nationwide Arena in Columbus was sick
- Drivers don't even care if the trucks land on their tires, they’re just trying to fuck themselves up as much as possible
Not Eating Pussy
- Junior from the Sopranos, Troopz
- Real men suck dicks
Hating Taylor Swift
- Red-blooded American watching football on his couch, drinking a beer, when the NFL broadcast mentions Taylor Swift he throws a fit, "GET THIS BITCH OFF MY TV SCREEN I'M HERE TO WATCH FOOTBALL
Having a Boner
- How you know you're a man
Hanging Out in a Garage
- Something Chicagoans can relate to
- You got your garage fridge with a bunch of Miller Lites, High Noons, Pirate Waters, Pink Whitney (not sure what their sponsor is)
- Big screen TV for football
- Maybe a work bench with tools and a saw to show your friends that you do manly projects sometimes
Removing a Stump from the Ground (i looked up how to do it you can't tell me these aren't the manliest instructions you've ever heard)
- Step 1: Use the broad end of the mattock (a type of pickaxe) to dig around the stump and loosen the dirt.
- Step 2: Remove the loosened dirt with a shovel so that you see the tree roots
- Step 3: With your mattock (or a small bow saw), sever the roots from the trunk -
- Step 4: Continue to dig and chop until you reach the taproot and clear an area around it
- Step 5: Cut through the taproot using your ax or bow saw
- Final: Once you’ve cut through the taproom, you can wiggle the tree stump around and pull it out of the topsoil. This will take hours, but your stump will be fully removed when it’s over
Another do it yourself option is to burn the stump, which will require a tree stump removal product, kerosene/fuel oil, and a power drill
Being a real life cowboy
- Not fake cowboys like people who live in downtown Dallas and walk around in cowboy boots and a hat, or White Sox Dave
- Real cowboys who wake up on the ranch, put on their cowboy gear, then ride their horse around, wrangle sheep, run cattle, etc.
- Cowboys help run large ranches in states like Texas, Utah, Kansas, Colorado, Wyoming and Montana
- Quote from a random forum about cowboys, “Yes, there are thousands of full time cowboys who work on large ranches and there are far more who have small spreads and run some cattle”
Venom Milking
- In order to make anti-venom, you need the venom inselt, and someone has to extract the venom from the snakes
- The process entails massaging the venom glands of a snake, while pressing its fangs on a piece of latex stretched over a cup
- Snakes HATE this, and the risk of extracting the venom into your own bloodstream during the milking process is very high
- They’ve been trying to improve the process for decades, but there’s just not a better way to do it than by hand
- There’s a venom milker named Jim Wiley, and his heart has stopped 3 times from a snake bite, but luckily he was able to be brought back to life each time
- But his wife also milks venom, which makes it a little less manly
Living in a Remote Area of Russia
- Yakutsk, Russia is 450 kilometers from the Mongolian border, way far east, it’s considered to be the coldest major city in the world
- Somehow there’s over 300k people there, but if you’re just a dude holding it down spending your life out in rural Russia… that's manly as heck
- Fighting bears for breakfast
- Probably have a smoking hot wife for some reason, or a crazy ugly wife. I eel like with Russians it’s one or the other
Going to Prison
- Life long hardened criminal institutionalized prisoners
Cat Calling a Woman
- Construction workers, homeless dudes
Smoking Cigarettes
- Marlboro Reds
Swallowing Swords
Juggling Fire
The Hot Guys Who Work on That Oil Rig Who Go Viral All The Time
Mining for Coal
Hunting Crocodiles
- Steve Irwin, Steve Irwin’s son, etc.
Being a Troop
- Being on the front lines
- Diffusing bombs
- Sacrificing everything for your country
Ice Road Trucking
- Trucking is dangerous enough, then mix in sub-zero temperatures, the road is covered in black ice
- Making hairpin turns a million feet up a mountain with no guard rail,
- Probably have a nice beard and smoke a bunch of cigarettes
- Half the time you die
Diving in Front of a Bullet for Someone
- Imagine someone is like robbing a convenient store, they start blasting, you dive in front of a child and take a bullet right to the gut, then that gives someone else enough time to apprehend the shooter. You may or may not die but either way you saved lives. Hell yeah.
Listening to Joe Rogan
Being a Stuntman
- Evil Knievel, those Russian dudes who stand on poles 1000 miles in the sky with zero harness or anything
Having a Log Cabin With Guns on The Wall and Mounted Animal Heads and Animal Skin Rugs
Having a Doomsday Bunker
Chopping Down Trees
Bailing hay
Eating a seafood boil for breakfast
Fist Fighting
Having a threesome
Taking a big shit
Farting
Drinking whisky neat
Packing a dip (not Zyn)
Having a big dog
Playing Rugby