The City of Ottawa Dubbed, "A Great Place to Take a Nap" is Hiring a Nightlife Czar to Repair Their Image

WSJ - Canadians know Ottawa as the home of government, where roughly a quarter of the metropolitan area’s 1.5 million residents work in the public sector. They also know Ottawa, fairly or not, as “the city that fun forgot,” a moniker penned over four decades ago by the late Canadian political commentator and satirist Allan Fotheringham. The label has stuck. YouTube celebrities have traveled here to document whether Ottawa is as drab as advertised. 

Municipal leaders want to turn that image around. Ottawa is looking to hire someone to preside over the city’s nightlife. The job title is still to be determined, with officials tossing around ideas such as night mayor, nightlife commissioner or night czar. 

I've always wanted to be czar. I once took a sales job for a start-up energy company while I was living in Los Angeles. I was their first sales person so they told me I could make my title whatever I'd like. I said I wanted to be Sales Czar. They said, "How about we just call you an Account Executive instead." Which was pretty disappointing. But the company went out of business in about 2 weeks so who gives a shit.

I'm glad Ottawa has finally decided to get themselves a Nightlife Czar. Apparently the place is a snooze fest. I've never been there so I would have no way of knowing, but to many people it's known as "The City That Fun Forgot". Others have called it, "A good place to take a long nap." But Ottawa has set out to change all that. Thankfully, the government has stepped in. If there's one thing the Canadian government knows how to do it's have a good ass time (that's a joke but the only other Canadian politicians I know are Rob Ford and Justin Trudeau. Rob Ford was a blast. And if you think about it Justin Trudeau is probably... ya know what, never mind. Rob Ford was fun) 

Anyways, Ottawa is hiring a Nightlife Czar. I don't know if they have someone in mind already, but I'd like to throw my hat in the ring. I'm gainfully employed by Barstool at the moment, but that could end anytime. I'm just one joke away from being fired at any moment. So if you want to make Ottawa a cool, happening place, here are some places to start.

Idea #1: Affordable Drinks

Has anybody ever considered opening a club in a city where you can buy drinks for an affordable price? I know that sounds insane, but if people can catch a nice buzz at your club for say, under $100, then maybe people will actually show up.

Idea #2: Robot Bartenders

If someone can figure out a successful way to make it so people can acquire drinks quickly without the inconvenience of speaking, they're going to be rich. It would cut down on operation costs, would make it so people don't have to tip, the whole thing is just more affordable. It's also an incredibly slippery slope and if it works then millions of people will be out of jobs. But in a one off situation it seems kinda cool.

Idea #3: Television/Game Distribution

Whoever the Nightlife Czar is needs to understand what sports people want to watch on TV and when. It's not even that hard. Every weekend I'm stunned by how horrible the game selection is at bars across the city. You just need one person who has a decent grasp on the biggest games that are being played that day. If people can trust that you'll have the right games on, they'll be way more likely to leave their homes.

Side Note: I've always wondered if it would be possible to write some sort of algorithm that would control an establishments TV's for them. If you could somehow take the layout of a bar or restaurant, factor in the locations of the TV's, determine how many eyeballs each screen gets, take into account the area of the country that you're in, and somehow have the algorithm spit out the ideal combination of games for that establishment, that would be a million dollar idea. I know there are so many holes in that idea, and so many variables you'd have to consider, but I feel like there's a way someone smarter than me could make that work. If we figured out A.I. I feel like we can figure out this.

Idea #4: Hidden Entrances

People love feeling like where they're going is a secret. The perfect combination would be to have a delicious & cheap food restaurant, then in the back of the restaurant have some sort of secret door that takes you into the club. Then at any point you can just hop back over to the restaurant for some food.

Idea #5: Public Transportation

You gotta make it so people can get there cheaply without having to drive. Build some working trains that run directly to nightlife hot spots. You just need a few of them that run between the bars and popular residential areas. Then worst case you just take a cheap Uber down the road to the station closest to your home, then hop in the train and get downtown affordably. Or, if Ottawa can be the first city to figure out a system of tubes that shoot you from your home directly to the bar, that's even better.

Idea #6: Cigs Inside

Ok this is probably a bad idea for most people, but I want at least one place where cigs inside can happen. Even if it's only once or twice a night. Maybe there's a big clock on the wall, and whenever it hits a certain time an alarm goes off and everyone cheers and lights their cigs. That would be fun.

Idea #7: Pull Tabs

Not only are Pull Tabs a blast, but they're a guaranteed money maker. I've played so many pull tabs in my life and have never once cashed. But I keep doing them. Ottawa should heavily feature Pull Tabs in their nightlife scene. This was the last time I played. Won $0 but it was very fun.

Idea #8: Gambling/Casino

Maybe just turn the whole place into Vegas. Sportsbooks, black jack, poker, craps, those horse racing machines, etc. The most fun I've ever had in Vegas is sitting around one of those horse racing machines for hours. You can just bet a couple dollars at a time. It's a great way to have fun and stretch your money.

Idea #9: Hot Girls

Should have listed this way earlier. Goes without saying. Try to hire this girl. She can stand next to the robot bartender.

Idea #10: Drugs

Drugs get the people going. 

So I guess these ideas weren't that creative. I more or less just invented Las Vegas with robots. But people are simple. It's really not that difficult to please people. Just use some common sense, include the basic things people want, and they'll start showing up. Hopefully. That's probably what every person in the history of time who has started a restaurant has told themselves before failing after 1 year. But if Ottawa is serious about this, these ideas won't hurt (except maybe the cigarettes one)