Barstool Pissing Outdoors
Even though I typically do not see gender, this is another blog for the fellas.
Question: How fucking great does it feel when you take a piss outdoors?
I have never been accused of being "outdoorsy," but there are a few things I prefer to do without a roof over my head.
The first is take a shower... Showering with Mother Nature is exhilarating. The hot water runs over your broad shoulders while a cool breeze sneaks by your pendulous balls. And that preference probably goes for either sex, although "The hot water runs over your narrow shoulders while a cool breeze sneaks between your distended labia." doesn't conjure up the same romantic image.
The second thing is smoking a cigar. I have been to cigar lounges dozens of times, and the experience is hit-or-miss. But lighting up a big stogie at an outdoor venue always feels right.
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Plus, people who smoke cigars in their own houses (or in their cars with the windows rolled up) are just plain-old gross.
(Ewwww, Suge.)
And the last thing is taking a piss outdoors… Particularly at night. I won't re-use the word "exhilarating" but relieving myself in the woods, or anywhere else in the elements, is always DELIGHTFUL. Whether I whip it out after raking leaves in the fall, piss into a summery lake, or write my name into new-fallen snow, it's almost like my penis is singing to Mother Nature.
And there's an economic advantage… Flushing urine down your toilet is essentially flushing money down the toilet, as well. Estimates change depending on several factors, but economists approximate that upwards of $200-$300 of your yearly water bill is from flushing alone. And since most people don't have the stomach to be environmentally sound and follow the old "If it's yellow, let it mellow, but if it's brown, flush it down."-rule, you can reduce flushing in a more gentlemanly way by peeing outside. Thereby saving that money for something more useful… Such as drugs, alcohol, and/or pornography.
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Outside of economics, there is also a biological angle to consider. All men have an innate need to mark their territory via scent. Pissing in the woods harkens back to when we had to lay claim to a particular area. And when you do mark a tree in your backyard, for a brief moment in time, that is your territory. You own it, and every animal with a nose knows it's yours… Especially, if you had asparagus earlier that day.
As I mentioned from the beginning, I think this is primarily a male phenomenon. Whereas, you primarily see men pissing outdoors for pleasure, you almost exclusively see women pissing in the woods out of necessity. Physiologically, ladies have all the parts needed to make babies, but their vagina placement is less than ideal for urinating outside. As men, we just have to unfurl our big meaty cocks and let it rip. But you gals, have to strategically align your genitals at an angle where you don't spray all over your thighs and pants.
There have been attempts at inventing instruments to aid women in their quest to relieve themselves without a toilet, but they all fall short of the perfect instrument that the human penis is.
(The veins are a nice touch.)
Throw that on the ever-growing pile that is labeled MALE PRIVILEGE, I guess.
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What about shitting outdoors, Large?
Yeah… What about it?… It's fucking terrible.
Similar to the vagina, the asshole simply cannot empty with the accuracy you get with a penis, so shitting outdoors is a chore. The cleanup is taxing and it is physically demanding on my arthritic knees.
I'll go one further… Although it is one of my favorite things to do, shitting INDOORS without incident is also a chore for some.
So let's keep the stools in the bathroom, and let's work on keeping the urine outside.
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SMALL LEFT TURN- Apparently, the instances of shitting on the floor while in line for rides at Disney have increased exponentially over the past couple of years. This is particularly true in the queues for any of the new Star Wars rides. Families that are trudging along at a snail's pace for multiple hours towards the entrance of a 2-minute ride are allowing their kids to take dumps wherever-the-fuck they want, and I support this 100%.
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I've said it before… Disney is a very expensive scam. So I am thrilled that people are literally shitting all over it.
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Back to piss…
I was traveling through Ireland years ago with a handful of fellow Wall Street douchebags. We rented a driver for the week, who shuttled us from place to place. We were on our way back from the dog track, somewhere on the road between Cork and Kinsale, and our driver stopped at a local pub to take a quick pit stop for a pint and a lash (piss).
I asked where the men's room was and the bartender pointed me down a narrow hallway. At the end of the hallway, there were two doors on either side. For some reason, I opened the door on my right first (even though it was clearly marked as the ladies' room), and there was nothing but a small sink, no mirror, and a tiny toilet.
I then opened the door on the left and, to my surprise, it opened into a dark and deserted field behind the bar. There were no instructions, but there was a large piece of slate that was slightly slanted directly outside of the doorway, and a stand-alone spigot pointed towards the slate. Instinctively, I pissed on the stone and then turned on the spigot for maybe 2 seconds to wash my piss into a stony French drain.
I did not wash my hands afterward in the non-existent sink.
I did not check my appearance in the non-existent mirror.
I pissed on and then rinsed the rock, and returned to the bar where a delicious room-temp pint of Murphy's stout was waiting for me… I've used "exhilarating" and "delightful" already, so I will tell you the experience was uplifting. On top of feeling relieved, I also felt virile and manly in the land where my father was born, and I've been chasing that high ever since.
Fast forward a couple of years, and my wife was in the shower in our Master bedroom. I woke up with a deep urge to piss, but instead of walking downstairs to use another bathroom, I pissed out of our window into our backyard. The sun was just rising, the birds were chirping, and I had a strong-and-steady stream that brought me back to that night outside of Cork. I felt like my father was looking down on me and smiling.
NOTE: My father is not dead, but he does live upstairs from me and he is an early riser.
So what can I do to chase that high more often?… I think I found it.
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I think I am going to screw one of these puppies into the rear wall of my backyard shed. On top of pissing outdoors, I think men also enjoy relieving themselves in a urinal exponentially more than they do a toilet. So instead of trying to reinvent the wheel, why not combine the ease of pissing outside with the joy of using a urinal?
If it is warm out, I can always load it up with a bucket of ice (to keep the smell at a minimum), and I'll rely on New Jersey's steady rainfall to give it a regular washing.
I guess my point is- There will be a ton of talk in the next week or so on all Barstool channels pushing merch before Christmas.
(This is the roomiest-cut and fat-guy-friendly sweatshirt we sell, can be purchased HERE)
But might I recommend you add this to your shopping list as well because "Piss on Earth causes good will to men."
Take a report.
-Large