Surviving Barstool | Ep. 4 Premieres Monday (12/4) at 8PM ETWATCH EP. 1-3 NOW

America Can Finally Sleep Peacefully Now That Serial Pickleball Court Masturbator Has Been Captured By Authorities

eyecrave productions. Getty Images.

ARLINGTON, VAAn Arlington man has been charged with public masturbation and peeping at a business last Friday and has been identified as a suspect in a separate public masturbation incident at the pickleball courts at the Walter Reed Community Center in May, according to police.

…As part of their investigation, officers identified Rodriguez as the suspect in an exposure incident at the pickleball courts from May and obtained an additional arrest warrant.

At about 10:45 a.m, a patrol officer was contacted by a community member about a male suspect allegedly observed masturbating by the pickleball courts at the Walter Reed Community Center at 2909 16th Street S., police said.

Pickleball has been taking over America. It's the sport of the future, and there's a lot to be excited about when it comes to the sport. You're out there dinking with some chick in the kitchen, going back and forth, all of a sudden one of you speeds it up and now you're smashing. I get it. Lots to be excited about. 

But apparently this fella got a little too excited. And we can't be having that. 

You're grandma is probably out there playing pickleball. Last thing we'd ever want is some dude out there choking the chicken in the middle of the court while gran gran is playing pickleball. We can't be having dudes out there cranking their hogs at 10:45 in the morning while Glenda is just trying to get her exercise in for the week. Take that shit to a tennis court where nobody is playing.

I'm just glad the authorities were able to step up here and apprehend this monster. It's terrifying not knowing if you could be staring down some heathen out there pounding away at his own sack the next time you're about to serve 0-0-2. But now we don't have to worry about that anymore, because this sick bastard is in jail where he belongs. 

Sidenote: Out of all the crimes that should carry a lifetime sentence, I'd say public masturbation is at the top. There might be hope for a murderer to turn their life around one day. Once you crack stick out in public, there's no coming back for that person. They're broken forever.