Ranking Travis Kelce's Problematic Old Tweets By The Order In Which They Offend Me

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It was only a matter of time before someone dug up some dirt on the first husband of these United States of Taymerica. Today, a series of dirty, disgusting skeletons were dug from the closet of Travis Kelce's tweet history. Trigger warning: what you're about to see is extremely upsetting. 

As our resident body-positive thinker, I feel it falls upon my clearly-defined, 8% bodyfat shoulders to bring these nasty tweets to light. Allow me to break down the order in which Travis Kelce's 12-year-old tweets offend me on behalf of those who struggle with body issues.  

I suppose I should first clarify that these tweets don't offend me directly given that I work out devotedly and eat extremely clean foods—typically a prescribed balance of lean proteins, complex carbohydrates, and steamed vegetables. Sometimes I'll cheat a bit with a whole wheat pasta and some pesto, pine nuts, shredded parmesan… usually that happens on vacations to Mediterranean countries. But I always get back on track. I guess it's the way I was raised. My family instilled the importance of nutrition and fitness in me at an early age. Plus I just loved being outside. Getting my heart rate up? Ha, I couldn't live without it. Once you experience that first natural high of your neurotransmitters firing from a sustained sprint through the woods as a young boy, being chased by "father" because he forgot to input the electronic code that trips the deadbolt, his mind preoccupied on the lagging sales at his hardware store, so you slipped out, your first opportunity in six years, knowing you may never get another chance to reunite with your original, biological family? Wondering if they'll even recognize you, it's been so long, but not letting yourself worry about that now as you pound through the underbrush, refusing to look over your shoulder, and then a clearing! And a house! And smoke coming from the chimney!! And they'll know, they'll remember the MISSING posters all over the telephone poles and the bulletin boards at coffee shops and you'll gasp IT'S ME, between heaving breaths, I AM THE BOY. 

So, exercise is definitely a good thing. But people come in all shapes and sizes and beauty is more than skin deep. If only Travis Kelce, star tight end and lesser half of the world's most famous pop star, agreed.

The Top Five Tweets That Offend Me On Behalf Of People Who Are Not As Thin As I Am Even Though It's Not Their Fault:

5) 

If Travis Kelce thinks that the professional cheerleading squad for the Los Angeles Clippers are ugly, then he needs psychiatric help. Sure, the Lakers Girls are notoriously stunning. But we're talking shades of grey here. I hear the Clippers Girls are also wonderful people.  

4) 

Ugh. In the words of Britney Spears, don't you know that you're toxic? Many men are drawn to women who weigh more than they do. There's an entire genre of adult entertainment dedicated to this proclivity towards higher-density humans. Not to mention, some men simply cannot put on weight due to thyroid issues, extremely fast metabolisms, or because they live in food insecurity. Think of the men, Travis. For shame. 

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3) 

I believe it's Matthew 7:1-5 that says "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." 

In other words, those people you judged will judge you for judging them. And then they, too, will be trippin'. 

2) 

Backfat is considered a delicacy in many countries. Typically from birds or deer, I believe. This tweet isn't just fatphobic; it's culturally insensitive. And as worldly, sympathetic offendee, I thus condemn this tweet. 

1) 

Travis, you should know that when fat people fall, it's not entertaining to us at all. And by us, I mean them, and then me by proxy. Because again, I'm not fat. But we're all people. And they (we, but not me literally) feel pain too. They (we, but the royal we, aka them) are just as susceptible to gravity and broken bones as perfectly-sculpted athletes like you and me (me, not them). In fact, they may be MORE susceptible. Physics says that an object with a greater mass falls faster than an object with a smaller mass. I don't quite understand it but I know that all that extra weight doesn't exactly cushion heavier people from falls. Their bones break just as our bones break, Travis. We're all God's children. 

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It's been 10-12 years since Travis wrote these tweets. Hopefully Taylor can bring him into a more modern mindset.