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Chase Bank's Fraud Protection Is A Fucking Joke And A Threat To Society

Spencer Platt. Getty Images.

Woke up to a fraud alert this morning from my trusty, hyper-vigilant pals over at Chase. I've got a Sapphire card with them and refuse to cancel it out of… loyalty? Sympathy? Sentimental hogwash? (It was my first credit card.) I don't even know why. It's a card I'd give to my teenage niece for emergencies, knowing she's too ugly for kidnappers and buys cheap jeans at Old Navy. It's a useless card now that Amex is pretty much accepted everywhere — their rewards points don't transfer to Delta, the interface sucks ass, their customer service is (insert racist generalization here), and today I learned that their fraud protection is an absolute fucking joke. 

This morning, Chase asked if I had made "A CHARGE" (singular) for IDT Boss Int Calling. I thought hmmm, that doesn't sound familiar. Let's check the ol' account:

UHM, GUYS? HELLLOOOOOOO? WHERE IS EVERYBODY? YOU FLAGGED THIS TODAY?! I've got 100 fucking charges from these pirates going back to Monday! Is there a company retreat happening? A carbon monoxide leak?! Did some terrorist get his hands on an electro-magnetic pulse cannon and shut down all the power on your grid? Help!!! 

As it turns out, whoever these IDT boss bandits are got a hold of ALL my credit cards, including my Amexes. Let's check in on how things are going over there: 

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Just one suspicious charge lead to an immediate text from Amex. I tell them it's not me, they instantly reverse the charge and shut down the card, and a new one is in the mail. 

It's like they have access to a different internet or something. I mean, the gulf in competence and security between Chase and Amex is breathtaking. To Chase's credit, they're reversing the charges too (hence the subtraction charges. Before I called them, those had all gone through.) But golly gee guys, head on swivel! I get the impression the cracksquad of fraud watchmen at Chase is sitting behind a panel of Gateway 2000 computers, chain-smoking cigs through such a fog that their Mr. Magoo eyeglasses don't make a dent. 

What a nightmare. I had to cancel all three of my credit cards, AND I'm heading out to a big steak dinner tonight. At a time like this?! We're seven weeks out from the end of the year. I only have SEVEN WEEKS to hit my card spend thresholds and lock in top status for 2024. Every fucking tomahawk ribeye counts.