Surviving Barstool | Ep. 4 Premieres Monday (12/4) at 8PM ETWATCH EP. 1-3 NOW

NFL Week 9 Power Rankings: The Baltimore Ravens Are Officially The Team To Beat

10. Seattle Seahawks

Katelyn Mulcahy. Getty Images.

The only reason why I put this team in the top 10 is so I can shit on them. 37-3 are you fucking kidding me? I sit here every week and hype this team up like they can be a Super Bowl dark horse and this is how they repay me? Like the people on the titanic, I'm jumping off this ship. Every week Geno continues to turn the ball over, and the Seahawks continue to pay the price. I'm OUT on Seattle.

9. Dallas Cowboys

Lachlan Cunningham. Getty Images.

I usually take enjoy in ripping this team a new one, but I thought they played well on Sunday. It makes me want to drink bleach just saying it, but the Miami Dolphins and the Dallas Cowboys are one in the same. They either win by 30 points or they don't do enough to beat good teams. The Cowboys will be the Cowboys, they'll get in the playoffs, but they'll never win a championship.

8. Miami Dolphins

Perry Knotts. Getty Images.

No surprise here. As I just said, we're the Dallas Cowboys of the AFC until proven other wise. I'm not going to say we're frauds just yet but we are pushing our luck. I haven't seen a playoff win in my entire life, and if we don't win one this year I might never see one. This team is too talented to keep coming up short against good teams. We'll see how we do down the stretch, but if we continue to lose against good teams, I'd rather save the 1st round embarrassment.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars

Perry Knotts. Getty Images.

Bye week.

6. San Francisco 49ers

Thearon W. Henderson. Getty Images.

Bye week.

5. Detroit Lions

Gregory Shamus. Getty Images.

Bye week.

4. Kansas City Chiefs

Jamie Squire. Getty Images.

They beat my team so how much shit can I really say? This Chiefs team is good, but I don't think they're a championship team. The offense isn't what it used to be. The Dolphins held the Chiefs offense to 14 points and shut them out in the 2nd half. If Tyreek doesn't fumble, or if Tua catches the snap, we probably win that game. But my Aunt doesn't have a dick, so it doesn't matter. Chiefs won, they continue to win, but we'll see how they shape up later in the year.

3. Cincinnati Bengals

Michael Hickey. Getty Images.

Oh….. They're back. The Bengals fucking dog walked the Bills and I loved every second of it. Joe Burrow has his balls back and it's showing, his just slinging his junk all over everybody. The same shit happened last year, they started slow, got hot and made a run. I think the same thing is going to happen again. If you haven't already, you might as well grab a Bengals ticket while it's still at +1200.

2. Philadelphia Eagles

Tim Nwachukwu. Getty Images.

Although they gave me a fucking heart attack against Dallas, this is still one of the baddest teams on the planet. Smash mouth football, with weapons on the outside, and a great d-line. I'm aware that their secondary can't stop a nose bleed, but who gives a fuck? Name one team that can stop the Eagles from scoring, I'll wait. 

1. Baltimore Ravens

Michael Owens. Getty Images.

The Baltimore Ravens don't just win, they ass fuck every team they play. The 5-2 Seahawks came to town, what did they do? Beat them 37-3. The big bad Detroit Lions came to town, what happened? Got curb stomped 38-6. There's a very good chance that the AFC Championship game can be a Ravens vs Bengals match up, and I'm all for it. The Broward County Ravens are here and they ain't taking shit from nobody!!