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Is This In For 7 Or 8?

Yesterday, Frankie and Kirk released the latest episode of Barstool Golfs. It's a tremendous vid and worth a watch:

But dear me, golf fans, I find myself terribly confused. You see, I don't know the rules of golf very well, as evidenced by my part in the 4/5 putt controversy during the Writer Cup:

Of course, Kirk was right, I was wrong, and I'm a silly little dipshit! And today, I'll once again reveal just how deeply my head is buried in a bunker when it comes to golf's rule book. Forgive me! 

See, I also played in Frankie's Barstool Golfs series. It's a STROKE PLAY, BALL-IN-HOLE, NINE-HOLE ROUND. This is per Frankie, and the rules were established on the first motherfucking hole:

Me: "Should I putt this? I have to putt it, right?" 

Frankie: "Oh yeah. Ball in hole." 

Seems pretty clear. But then yesterday, Kirk's round was released. He was gunning for my score of 43. However, one moment in particular confused me. Let's take a look at hole #4: 


Kirk: "Are we making these, yeah?" 

Frankie: "Yeah, if you want… people were kinda shitting on Sas."

Kirk: "Why? Was he taking them?"

Frankie: "He was scoopin' 'em." 

Kirk: "Alright, I gotta make this?" 

Frankie: "You don't have to make it. I'm giving it to you." 

Giphy Images.

Sorry? Que? To review, the rules for Francis:

"I have to putt it, right?"

"Oh yeah, ball in hole." 

The rules for Kirk: 

"I gotta make this?"

"You don't have to make it." 

Huh. That's… that's a head-scratcher. Is this some golf wrinkle I'm not familiar with? Does Kirk qualify for a different set of rules due to our age gap? I mean no disrespect to Kirk, a man I consider a mentor and role model; who shares my love for Maine, cinema, history, and healthy food. This is not on him whatsoever. In fact, you can hear that the rule-abiding golfer in him WANTS to putt that out. Unlike me, Kirk possesses an encyclopedic knowledge of the rules of golf. He double-checks with Frankie when he tells him he can pick it up. Then he STILL putts it and says "I'll take it anyway. I like to make them." 

That's an honest competitor right there. That's a man of integrity, a worthy challenger. Faced with the opportunity to cut corners, offered a gimmie putt in a stroke play competition, he sticks to his guns and putts out. What a relief! Here I was, thinking I'd been forced to play by a separate, stricter set of rules! Thank goodness Kirk took it upon himself to keep the playing field level. 

Until the very next hole…

Huh. Hm. Hand up, my eyes aren't what they used to be. But that suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure looked like the ol' double-tap rakey rake. Did anyone else see that? Was that TWO TAPS with the back of the putter? The ol' CORRECTIVE rake? 

What's more, I don't think Frankie even gives this putt. "Alright, that's fine. Alright, we're not going to sugarcoat it." I think he's trying to buoy his spirits here, not say "that's good." Not that Frankie CAN OR SHOULD BE GIVING PUTTS ANYWAY IN THIS FORMAT. RIGHT? 


A classic move. This moment:

Where his mind says "that might not be a gimme. But I'll hit it with the back of my putter, with one hand, so that anyone watching will think I would have made it if I had taken it seriously." 

Woulda. Coulda. Shoulda. Did notta. 

My jaw hit the floor. This is not the Kirk I know and love! Oh captain my captain, whence did thy dogmatic adherence to rule and order fly?! I never in my life thought I would see the back-handed two-foot double-rake tap-tap from KIRK MINIHANE. My world is caving in! 

Let's compare the distances between the putt I was told to make and the putt Kirk raked:

Dare I say that his is even FARTHER away? And DOWNHILL?! It sure looks that way! 

But again, I know nothing, John Snow. 

Except this: even with this VERY CONFUSING double standard that allowed Kirk to tie my score, I still believe we deserve a proper head-to-head match to determine, once and for all, the better golfer. From the bottomless well of respect I hold for Kirk, my lighthouse in stormy waters, I say we settle this "tie" the proper way. One match. Nine holes (or 18? Dare we?!)


I may lose. I may die shortly thereafter. But by God, I'll do it following whatever goddamn rules are set down for BOTH of us. 

With honor, integrity, and justice for all.


You can watch the rest of my match and you'll see that I putt every single ball into the hole. Even when it's just an inch. The only exception here is on hole 6, where the edit doesn't show whether I finished the ball in the hole. I asked our editors what happened there and nobody seems to remember as we shot it 4 months ago. If it turns out that I picked that ball up without finishing it, or putted it and missed? I'll suck the dick of every Minifan who shows up on time to pass a blacklight test checking for base and/or shaft critters. To completion and beyond.