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Krispy Kreme is Worried That Americans Aren't Fat Enough

Daily Mail - Weight-loss drugs like Ozempic and Wegovy are continuing to spook financial advisers when it comes to investing money in junk and fast food companies. 

Some experts predict these companies - already battling a rise in health conscious customers - could face a tobacco-like demise due to the increasingly popular drugs, which reduce cravings and make people feel full longer. 

The doughnut company Krispy Kreme is the latest to feel the effects of the weight-loss movement and saw its share price drop Monday. 

Well, well, well. How the turn tables turn. Big Donut is shaking in their boots. Ever since Krispy Kreme opened it's doors in 1937, American waists have been growing steadily in diameter. They've never had to worry about American's being anything less than disgustingly obese. There was a time you'd have to paint a stripe down the middle of us to know if we were walking or rolling (we were so fat that we were perfect circles, is the joke I'm trying to make). 

But those days are gone. Ozempic has changed all that. Nowadays, everywhere you turn, it's nothing but beautiful, hot, skinny models. Donut shops have been replaced by salad factories. The only sales made by Kohls' Big & Tall section are to basketball players and white teenagers who want to be 90's black. On flights across the country, people are fitting comfortably in their plane seats. It's a skinny person's world. 

Is that what's happening in America? Is that the sob story Krispy Kreme is trying to sell us? Am I supposed to believe that America is all of the sudden trending skinny, and we're no longer gross fat slobs? Because of one TV drug? That's news to me. But I just did a Google search, and was shocked by the numbers. According to a 2023 survey, "15% of Americans have personally used Ozempic for weight loss, while 47% know someone who has."

Maybe I've been living under a rock (I've probably been living under a rock). But I had no clue Ozempic use was that high. That's a lot of Americans. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Unless you're angling for a job at Barstool Sports or Sumo Wrestling, then you're probably looking for any possible shortcut to becoming not fat. 

Come to think of it, it has been a while since we've got a new fat guy at Barstool. Except for this one guy I saw yesterday who kinda looked like Duggs, but he's not content. And he wasn't even that big. Aside from him, there's been a suspicious amount of hot people walking around the office lately. So yeah, come to think of it, maybe we are getting skinnier.  

How long do you think the Ozempic craze is going to last before something catastrophic happens? Sure, all the celebrities and Dana Beers look great now, but in about 6 months the side effects are gonna start kicking in. Everyone will go bald. Colons will start exploding like land mines. Violent-surprise diarrhea will become the norm. People's skin will start falling off in chunks like the homeless people on that one street in Philadelphia where everyone is doing the new super heroin that makes people fall asleep at 90 degree angles. It's going to be ugly.

Once that happens, Krispy Kreme will be back with a vengeance. The Daily Mail says to not buy stock in Krispy Kreme right now, but I think they're wrong. As soon as people get off Ozempic and get their appetites backs, it's gonna be a mad rush to the donut store. America will never defeat fat. We'll have the occasional miracle drug like Ozempic, and short-cuts like lap band surgery and heroin. But those can't compete with fat in the long run. Fat is America's greatest past time. They'll tell you it's baseball, but they're wrong. It's being fat. 

In the meantime, pray for Krispy Kreme. I've long been anti-breakfast food, but I'm not going to sit here like a fraud and pretend I don't heavily fuck with Krispy Kreme donuts at ALL times of day. Stay strong boys.