Remember our friend Garrett Boles from Sad Stats Week 3? The Broncos O-lineman who lamented about being sick and tired of sucking for all seven years he was in the NFL? Well the sad seven year itch is alive and well for players on suck fest teams as Jonathan Allen (above) pretty much went on the same rant. Kudos to the reporter on this one for having the guts to ask any more follow questions once the f-bombs started dropping because at that point I'd have recoiled into a puddle of puss tears.
Let's move on. There was definitely something weird going on in Week 7. Somehow, someway, most of the saddest bottom of the barrel NFL teams found a way to win. The Bears won. The Broncos won. The Giants won. Dear god, the Patriots won! Even the Panthers held strong vs the bye to end their six-week losing streak. Yeah - I'm counting that.
And I'm officially deeming Week 7 as the week of sad teams! We did it guys. We got a week that turned out to be good on the whole and I think that deserves some recognition for a limited amount of time. You know - like how society does with other marginalized groups? This is our week! The week of the sad teams!
Ahahahahahahahahaha. Just kidding! Come on now, we sad fans know better. May as well call it mirage week. None of what happened in Week 7 was real. Not a goddamn thing of it. Any self-respecting red-pilled fan knows every year Roger Goodell picks an "any given sad team day" to make sure we sit our sad asses down and watch the rest of the season. Stay woke fam. Don't you think it's a little coincidental that 1-5 teams just now went off inexplicably right before officially having zero chance to make the playoffs?
Trust me on this. I have over 30 years of qualified sad fan experience so this is not my first rodeo. I know this scheme all too well. And that leads us into the first sad stat of this week.
Sad Stat #1: Only 3 of 61 teams to go 1-5 and win their next game made the playoffs since the merger
The Bears, Broncos, Giants and Patriots all won Sunday which I know I already stated but is worth repeating. These teams aren't just bad. They're all INSANELY bad. Funny enough - I think it's fair to say the Cardinals are the best team of this bunch, yet they managed to get left behind by the preeminent laughing stocks of the league. In the long run this is actually good for the Cardinials draft stock - but sad to see play out for this year's outfit.
The only other season since the merger that four 1-5 teams managed to win their next game was 2002. That's it. And out of 61 total 1-5 teams to win their next game all in all, only three have made the playoffs. The 2015 Chiefs, 2018 Colts, and 2020 Football Team.
Sad Stat #2: Josh Jacobs scored his first career touchdown catch except for a small technicality of it not counting at all due to a penalty
Josh Jacobs is the anti Chris Carter. None of what this guy does is catch touchdowns. He pretty much does everthing else, but now at least we learned it's officially illegal for him to catch a touchdown pass. This is Jakobi Meyers level territory except for the fact that Jacobs is still a running back so not nearly as sad. I think I remember one or two of Meyers' touchdowns get called back too, if I'm not mistaken.
Sad Stat #3: Mike Tomlin is now 38/91 (41.7%) in career challenges
Big thanks to the random twitter account for putting the gravity bong down for a quick second to try to take a video. Probably not an honor roll cinematography student. Even so, it's pretty clear the toe-tap came in enough before the foot rolled which made this a picturesque Mike Tomlin challenge. You'd think coaches would have better challenge rates when they get to choose when they do and don't give it a go. Unless you're not a gambler. Then you probably wouldn't think that.
Still, Tomlin seems to pick the most obviously incorrect times to reach for the red rocket in his pants. I wonder if this is an old coach issue because here's a hidden sad stat in this sad stat: Bill Belichick actually has a WORSE challenge hit rate the Tomlin wiht a record of 53/130 (40.7%). I'll have to dive deeper into this later, but that would be pretty funny if all the old coaches just go primal and forget they have a video team upstairs causing them to do worse.
Sad Stat #4: Alec Pierce has played 455 snaps without scoring a touchdown
Alec Pierce played 100% of the Colts 70 offensive snaps in Week 7 to take command of the league's active consecutive snaps played without scoring a touchdown…. At least for 2023. That brings us to….
Sad Stat #5: WELCOME BACK DIONTAE JOHNSON who has over 1,100 consectuve snaps played without scoring!
The last touchdown Diontae caught was in the 2021 Playoffs when they got clobbered by the Chiefs. He's now played over 1,100 snaps since then including 39 in his return on Sunday. This will be a fun one to continue to monitor since we covered how he holds the single season record for most catches without scoring in last year's Sad Stats.
Sad Stat #6: Ten Packers receivers caught passes on Sunday but none could manage to gain 35 total yards
This performance by the Packers receiving corps reminds me of Steve - my friend from college. You see, Steve got what's called a "Board of Trustees" degree which means he took 101 classes in just about everything without ever advancing to a 200-level or higher. This degree prepares students for a career in being the guy at a party who pretends to know everything about all topics but then has to "get another drink" when faced with any sort of follow-up questions. While everyone else was focusing on an actual career path in a particular area of interest - guys like my friend Steve were trying to prep to audition for Jeopardy.
A real person in the world: "Hey what did you study in college?"
Steve: "I was a Board of Trustees Major" (as if we know what the fuck that means)
A real person in the world: "Is that like… a financial management thing?"
Steve: "Hang on, I'm thirsty."
Sad Stat #7: The Detroit Lions are the first 5-1 team to lose by exactly 32 points in their next game since… the Detroit Lions in 1991
This was a fun find to remind Lions fans that even when things seem to be going right once every blue moon they're never far away from going full Lions at any given moment. And that's exactly what happened Sunday. Visions of 2008 came roaring out from the depths of Lions hell. But there's good news. I think they bounce back seeing as how NFC teams are now 1-16 vs Lamar Jackson.
That's it for Week 7. To those who celebrate - happy sad team week. Get ready for a slaughter in Week 8.
Got a sad stat tip? DM me @statholesports