Live EventCompetitors Revolt Against Game Show Host And Producers | Surviving Barstool Season 3 Ep. 2Watch Now
Surviving Barstool | Ep. 2 Premieres TONIGHT at 8PM ETTUNE IN

New Report Claims The Eagles Are Too Good At Football And It's Making It Difficult For Senior Women In The Philly Area To Get Their Bang On

Icon Sportswire. Getty Images. -- Turns out that, around South Jersey and Eastern Pennsylvania, the NFL stands for No Fun, Ladies.

Marcie Lyons-DiCamillo, 69, of Southampton, Bucks County, says that many of the men she meets are duds. She, on the other hand, is a lover of aerobics and travel — and many senior men simply can’t keep up.

They’d rather sit on the couch and watch Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts get his tush pushed than touch a tush themselves. Hugging, it seems, is a spectator sport: They cheer for 53 guys embracing each other after big play or victory in the Eagles’ 5-0 start, but a cuddle or squeeze for a new romance? Fuhgeddaboudit.

“They aren’t available because they need to watch Eagles games,” Lyons-DiCamillo, the mother of two and grandmother of five, told the Inquirer.

I recently found out that babies aren't actually born 9 months from after getting it on, but more like 10 months. Now I don't know where I'd find the actual numbers on this one, so I don't have any hard facts to back up this claim. But I'd be willing to bet my life that August has the fewest babies born in Philadelphia out of any month of the year. 

Why is that? Pretty simple. Because the month of October is jam packed with Philly sports. The Eagles might not be handing out shit pumping after shit pumping like they were last year, but they're still 5-1 to start the year with all the potential to go back to the Super Bowl. The Philadelphia Phillies are kicking everybody's dick in right now as they're now just 2 wins away from going back to the World Series. The Flyers don't have any expectations this year but at least they'll be fun to watch develop over the next few years. The Sixers are a dysfunctional mess, but there are still people who love basketball enough in this city to put up with their shit. 

What I'm getting at here is that there's typically at least one game going on in this city every night, and plenty of times there are multiple on the same day. There's just not enough time to get down in the month of October. You have to be locked in as a fan. You can't take a single day off in October. Even if that little aerobics loving minx Marcie from Southampton is throwing the Nala eyes your way as she's trying to grab a one-way ticket to Poundtown. 

Giphy Images.

On one hand, I feel bad for these horny old broads. I really do. Old ladies need loving, too. But on the other hand, you'd figure that at some point evolution would step in here and help these ladies adapt. If you live in the Philadelphia area for long enough, your body shouldn't even crave a dick down in the month of October. Really it should shut down for the entirety of the Eagles season, and then you come back out in heat for March - August. Granted, you have Stanley Cup Playoffs and NBA Playoffs and the start of the Phillies season to deal with there. But the fellas can find a night or two to lay it down throughout the week then. 

Sidenote: For any of you young bucks out there who are into that sort of thing, it sure sounds like there are plenty of older women around town just looking to ring the bell real quick. 

Go Birds.