BREAKING NEWS: The 2023 Patriots are Objectively Terrible
I'll be back in the morning with a deeper dive into this Title V septic tank inspection. But before I go through the Patriots-Saints game again (the sacrifices I make for you kids, while asking nothing in return) to explain how and why it's all gone so wrong, consider this as a Mini Jerk Reaction to describe just how wrong it's gone.
There's simply nowhere you can point to in search of a bright spot. It's like being blindfolded, locked in a Gimp box, stuffed inside the trunk of a car, on the dark side of Pluto at midnight during an eclipse. Consider the current edition of the Patriots have:
--Given up 69 unanswered points.
--Failed to score a touchdown on 33 straight possessions. Which, given that that's the goal of every possession, you'd think they'd sort of stumble in there at least once or twice.
--Can't pass protect:
-Just had a defensive collapse against a below average offense and gotten no return on their investment in special teams:
--Watched players they either tried and failed to acquire or gave up on out perform everyone on their offense:
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--And are generally reeling in the post-Brady Era worse than the worst night terrors of the fanbase of which I am a part:
And just to add injury to insult, after losing their two best players last week, this week the following starters failed to finish the game: Michael Onwenu, Demario Douglas, Juju Smith-Schuster, Jabrill Peppers and Ju'Whaun Bentley. Meaning are appreciably worse off at the end of two utterly non-competitive losses that represent the worst game of Bill Belichick's 24 years in Foxboro than they were at kickoff of the first one.
Which should indicate we are far from seeing the worst this current team can offer. And I say this as a guy who is probably the last survivor of Optimism Island. I've tried to hang in there. But I'm left with no choice but to shut the lights off and grab the last boat out.
Like I said, I'll have more in the morning. For now, I can't write any more because I'm incapable of human thought or emotion. Other than to say, millions of you have been rooting, hoping, praying, for this day to come. And right now I can't deny you've finally gotten your wish. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a long, quiet walk on the beach and question all of my life's choices.