Reviewing Tonight's Kirk Minihane Live Show Producer Candidates

It's finally here. The day has come. Kirk Minihane Live Show in the booming metropolis of Saco, Maine. The home state of Francis Ellis and Stephen King. Minifans across the globe will gather at the Saco Drive-In for a sold out show where among other things (not a live wedding because the old people who were supposed to get married let everyone down), Kirk Minihane will crown his newest producer (or producers).

The producer search has been afoot for nearly 2 months, ever since Kirk's current (now former) producer Dave Cullinane decided to pursue his true passion of making informercials for houses. I can't blame the guy. The Kirk Minihane Show producer job is an incredible one, but when you have an opportunity to film real estate commercials you don't just pass that up. 

Kirk will have a slew of not very good candidates to choose from, since John Rich, much like all the old people who are now refusing to get married live on KMS, let everyone down by dropping out of the race earlier this month. For those who aren't caught up with the show, I'm going to do my best to break down what we're dealing with based on the knowledge I have. I'm sure this won't be as in depth as a long-time Minifan could produce, but for a casual viewer, hopefully this gives you some base knowledge for what's about to happen tonight.

PRODUCER CANDIDATES

Jack "Coleman" Coleman

Coleman is by all measurements the most qualified candidate on the technical side. He worked at Barstool Sports for over a year where he edited The Rundown every day. He did a lot more things too but they didn't directly involve me so I'm not exactly sure what they were, but rest assured he knows how to produce a show. Unfortunately he was a casualty of what we now know as The Great Barstool Firings of 2023. 

Despite a strange call I made into the Kirk Minihane show to air a personal grievance, my personal producer endorsement goes to Coleman.

Not really sure why I felt the need to make that call but here we are. Sometimes you gotta things off your chest via live radio.

Coleman went from almost completely ignorant to the world of Kirk Minihane to fully invested seemingly overnight. He listened to about 1000 episodes in one week, a feat made possible by being very unemployed. To his credit, he's seemed to do everything right. But does Kirk want a competent producer, or would he prefer more of a disaster? It's hard to say. If he does decide to go the disaster route, Coleman will have some stiff competition. But if this Reddit poll from 9 days ago is to be believed, Coleman is the runaway favorite.

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Andrew Augustus

Augustus fits the description of disaster to a T. The kid simply can't get out of his own way. Every time he speaks I like him less. He wants the job as much as anyone. The effort is there. But it seems as if the more effort he puts forth, the further back he falls in the rankings. One of his big moves was to crawl around the Burlington Mall on his knees, as an apology to Milton's - The Store For Men, a sponsor of the show.

As you might have guessed it was extremely off putting to watch. Luckily for you I can't find the fucking video anywhere on the internet so you don't have to watch it. Just know it was bad.

Additionally, he's managed to alienate numerous Barstool employees (me included) by physically assaulting them with text messages and DM's  in the name of content (i think?). Or in the case of Rico Bosco he might have been planning to murder him. Or maybe he thought Rico was going to kill him? I have no fucking clue what these texts were about.

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We could go on forever about the dumb shit Augustus has done. He's done more dumb shit than I even realize, so I apologize for leaving things out. But I'm trying to keep this blog under 10,000 words so I'll just leave it at this. He's a weird dude, he wants the job very bad, and if Kirk hired him I'm not sure that either of them wouldn't murder each other within the first year. But that could be what Kirk wants in a producer. 

Mick

I've received more anti-Mick tweets than anyone. The kid is psycho path. He's also a liar. My favorite Mick story, which I think sums him up pretty well, involves the Saudi government. I'm still not 100% sure how this all fits together in his head, but here's how I understand the story. I'm sure I'm missing some details, but in general this is what happened

Mick was doing some sort of investigative reporting on the Las Vegas shooting at the Mandalay Bay back in 2017. Mick thinks the story behind the shooting runs deeper than what was reported. In the midst of his investigation, I'm pretty sure he just stopped investigating entirely. He didn't see it all the way though. He claims he got in too deep. He was uncovering things he shouldn't have known. In particular, he saw a "video on the European deep web that was going to change everything." Naturally, he drew heat from the Saudi government, who are definitely aware of who he is. Clearly he was blowing the lid off the whole investigation and the Saudi's simply had to stop him. They had to stop him bad, that they sent a goon to smash a window in his home.

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You do the math. He also claims a suspicious man came to his door one day. He thinks that man has something to do with his smashed window. A man who I'm 99% sure was doing nothing more than spreading the good word of Jehova. He was also just blatantly lying about when the picture of his window was taken. Thankfully, Justin blew the lid off that.

So somehow Mick is a serious candidate. By all accounts he shouldn't be. But again, the Kirk Minihane World is not your typical place. Maybe the worst possible candidate is the best fit. I'd certainly be interested in seeing what other bullshit Mick could come up with in the full-time producer position.

Montante

Montante is a long time Minifan who has not done anything to show that he actually wants the position of full time producer. You would think that a man serious about the job would do at least half of a thing, but Montante has elected to go the "do nothing" route. 

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To be perfectly honest, in a weird way, it's been working for me. Every other producer candidate has knack for making me dislike them more the more they try to do anything. So to just do nothing at all might be a viable strategy. I also don't think he has a lick of technical skills. But to be fair, if I was able to produce for a day and not have the whole show fall apart, I'm not sure how much "skills" are actually required of a KMS producer.

If Coleman doesn't get the job, I'm pulling for Montante.

John From Scranton

This is the part of the blog where I expose myself for not listening to every episode, because I don't know shit about John From Scranton. When he came onto the scene late I didn't take him seriously as a candidate, but as time went on I came to realize that he actually might have a shot at it. I probably should have been paying more attention. But that might be the biggest indictment against him. For whatever reason he hasn't moved the needle for me. Sure, I don't dislike him, but the full-time producer of the Kirk Minihane show should envoke a reaction. Mick and Augustus have at least forced me to know who they are, and that's half the battle.

Will

I'm not sure if Will is really a serious candidate. He came on to the scene late dressed like a leprechaun and had a solid performance in the producer's chair. Did some good impressions. Very fun. 

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But he did essentially nothing after that. His activity on social media was lacking. He was also outed for not following anybody on the show. If he ends up winning I'll be surprised. 

(I don't even know what those Twitter searches in the 2nd tweet are proving but I'm told it's damning evidence)

Whatever, happens it's going to be a wild show. A lot of people (including me) are speculating that Kirk will pick multiple people for the role. But actually knows. Anything could happen tonight. As of this morning, Kirk says he still has no idea who he's going to pick.

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I only starting paying attention to the show recently, so I don't even know a world where Kirk has a steady producer. Part of me hopes the producer search just drags out into perpetuity, because it's been very entertaining throughout. 

The show goes live on PPV tonight at 8 PM EST, and you can watch for the low price of $10. It's going to be a hell of a night. CLICK HERE TO BUY