'I'm Mid-Poop And Then I Start Crying' - Sam Burns Getting The Call About Making The Ryder Cup While Taking A Dump Has To Be A Good Sign For The USA

It takes a while to build this story up in classic golf fashion but then Sam Burns nails it. Having to answer the phone while taking a shit is no easy feat. It's a delicate process because the last thing you're doing is letting that call from Zach Johnson go to the answering machine. Can't take that risk. Luckily, Zach is for sure one of the guys so he understands if there's an avalanche of farts and some bubble guts in the background of an important phone call. He's likely been there. 

But like I said, it's a delicate situation. You gotta try to pinch it as hard as you can. Then do you give him a heads up? Like hey, man, I couldn't not pick this up, do you mind giving me 2 minutes to top this off and wipe my ass? Yeah, I'm pooping. I think Zach Johnson would understand that completely. 100% chance he would understand, because there's no doubt that wasn't a clean poop. Sam Burns was all nervous that day, getting texts from JT about finding out, nervous poops are no fun. 

We know that Full Swing was at Keegan's house: 

You're lying if you say you don't want the cameras to be rolling at Sam Burns' house during this moment. Need that whole scene unfolding like Dumb and Dumber before he comes waddling out to give a thumbs up to his wife. One of the biggest moments of his career and found out shitting. 

PS: I think this is my official power rankings of the US Ryder Cup guys who could piss off the European crowd and become the villain we need: 

12. Scottie 

11. Morikawa 

10. Rickie 

9. Xander 

8. Homa 

7. Brooks

6. Cantlay 

5. Harman

4. Clark 

3. Burns 

2. Spieth 

1. JT